The Boy sent me an email not too long ago that said, amongst other things, that he had to keep the D/s compartmentalized because he didn't want to fall into patterns with me (or with anyone else, for that matter) like he'd been stuck in with his wife.
I get that. Totally.
I don't want to cross that line. I feel like sometimes (not all the time, mind you) mentioning it crosses the line and it's not a good feeling. I don't want to self censor and I fear that's what is happening.
I know I'm trying so hard to just *be* - it's just difficult when the parameters feel like they change. You know?
Thursday, July 12, 2012
You can lead a horse to water...
But you can't make him drink.
I give my partners the option of reading this blog - it's where I usually put "real" stuff.
However, they don't read it.
I don't know whether to be bothered by that or not.
I give my partners the option of reading this blog - it's where I usually put "real" stuff.
However, they don't read it.
I don't know whether to be bothered by that or not.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Currents and Exes
The Ex
First, I am not pining over him. I don't wish him to come back. I don't want to go back to our dysfunction.
Having said that - yes, I love him. I care for him deeply. I wish things were different *for him*. I want a good life *for him*.
I feel like I'm finally in a place where I can be friends with him - and that's a major accomplishment after all the bullshit that happened between us. I want to be in his life and he in mine. People think I'm crazy for that, and I may very well be; however, it is what it is.
Lately, though, I find myself slipping back into the pattern of him feeling better about our interaction and me feeling worse. He's an alcoholic and I know it's a daily struggle for him. I know I can't help him. I know that I can't just DO IT for him. I don't like talking with him when he's drunk and he knows it. He tries to stay away when he's drunk, but sometimes he slips. The other night he slipped and we talked at 8:30 PM and he was PISS DRUNK and already in bed on his way to passing out. I was so disappointed.
Then, he tells me that he'd just confirmed his ticket to Hawaii - and that he's moving there in 5 weeks. I can't explain why, but my heart sank. I don't think it's a good idea. His sister (younger) lives there and she's not a drinker and I'm afraid it'll ruin their relationship. I just don't think Hawaii is going to like him. I know he's not my responsibility anymore (honestly, he never was, I just assumed it). It just feels like he's abandoning me all over again.
The Current
I love this boy so much. I think I can honestly say this is the first *functional* relationship I've ever had with a boy - and I was married for 6 years! haha
We call one another on our shit. We *communicate*. So many things that I can't even list them all here. We're growing together (or so I like to think) and it's amazing. I've only experienced that with WW.
One of the awesome things about our relationship is that we don't *need* one another in that sense. I have a pattern of subconsciously seeking out boys who need me more than I need them. Since I have abandonment issues my feeling brain said "If they NEED you, they won't leave." Of course, that's a lie. They always leave.
I just find my self esteem issues rearing their ugly heads. I feel like I am always asking B for reassurance and I fear that getting tiring. He doesn't *need* me and I worry that my shiny will wear off, or that I'm damaged goods and it's just a matter of time before he figures that out. Sounds real rational, huh?
I'm thankful he accepts me and loves me - warts and all. I am trying to make my brain stop this "it's just a matter of time" bullshit.
First, I am not pining over him. I don't wish him to come back. I don't want to go back to our dysfunction.
Having said that - yes, I love him. I care for him deeply. I wish things were different *for him*. I want a good life *for him*.
I feel like I'm finally in a place where I can be friends with him - and that's a major accomplishment after all the bullshit that happened between us. I want to be in his life and he in mine. People think I'm crazy for that, and I may very well be; however, it is what it is.
Lately, though, I find myself slipping back into the pattern of him feeling better about our interaction and me feeling worse. He's an alcoholic and I know it's a daily struggle for him. I know I can't help him. I know that I can't just DO IT for him. I don't like talking with him when he's drunk and he knows it. He tries to stay away when he's drunk, but sometimes he slips. The other night he slipped and we talked at 8:30 PM and he was PISS DRUNK and already in bed on his way to passing out. I was so disappointed.
Then, he tells me that he'd just confirmed his ticket to Hawaii - and that he's moving there in 5 weeks. I can't explain why, but my heart sank. I don't think it's a good idea. His sister (younger) lives there and she's not a drinker and I'm afraid it'll ruin their relationship. I just don't think Hawaii is going to like him. I know he's not my responsibility anymore (honestly, he never was, I just assumed it). It just feels like he's abandoning me all over again.
The Current
I love this boy so much. I think I can honestly say this is the first *functional* relationship I've ever had with a boy - and I was married for 6 years! haha
We call one another on our shit. We *communicate*. So many things that I can't even list them all here. We're growing together (or so I like to think) and it's amazing. I've only experienced that with WW.
One of the awesome things about our relationship is that we don't *need* one another in that sense. I have a pattern of subconsciously seeking out boys who need me more than I need them. Since I have abandonment issues my feeling brain said "If they NEED you, they won't leave." Of course, that's a lie. They always leave.
I just find my self esteem issues rearing their ugly heads. I feel like I am always asking B for reassurance and I fear that getting tiring. He doesn't *need* me and I worry that my shiny will wear off, or that I'm damaged goods and it's just a matter of time before he figures that out. Sounds real rational, huh?
I'm thankful he accepts me and loves me - warts and all. I am trying to make my brain stop this "it's just a matter of time" bullshit.
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