Unsent Letters Vol 1

I am writing this here because there is no way I could actually say these things to the person due to circumstances beyond my control. Also, there’s no point in making waves that will have an impact not only on me, but on those that I love. I’m hoping that by getting it out I will find my catharsis.

Dear You:

First, let me say that I have tried to be friendly to you even when you acted like I wasn’t even in the room. I have tried to initiate conversation with you. I have looked you in the eye. I have tried to show you respect, not only as a human being, but as the mother of amazing children that I have grown to love and have grown to love me.

Do not misunderstand, there is no requirement that we be friends; however, I deserve the same respect I have extended to you. You don’t have to like me. I don’t have to like you (and I don’t, by the way, just in case you were wondering). Having said that, though, I do strive to be the bigger person and I think I’ve exhibited that on the few occasions we’ve been in the same space.

It’s odd that the first time we met you were cordial - of course, the whole conversation was about your child (which is fine - we have an interest in his academic success, too). Subsequent "interactions," if one could call it that, have consisted of me trying to acknowledge you and you snubbing your nose at me. The saddest part of this is that your children notice. Great example to set for them, huh?

I have my own ideas about what happened between our first meeting and the subsequent ones. I believe that you are jealous. I believe that you are bothered by the fact that your children genuinely like us and want to spend time with us. I believe you actually would like them to have the same aversion to us as they do your boyfriend. Guess what? That’s not going to happen. Perhaps it’s because we treat them like people and not chattel. Perhaps it’s because we don’t try to parent them when we’re not their parent. Perhaps it’s because we actually listen to them and their struggles and not dismiss them. Perhaps it’s because they actually respect us. It speaks volumes when some of your children have only been to your house ONCE since you moved out last August and yet they have been to our house numerous times in the last few months.

Regardless of how you feel about me and our presence in their lives you must know this: We are not going anywhere. There is nothing you can do about it, either. You have one of two choices in this situation. You can continue to be rude and disrespectful of people that are a positive influence in your children’s lives or you can get that stick out of your ass and act like somebody.

Also, I hear that your relationship with your boyfriend isn’t going so well. You "didn’t sign up for this." To me, that just shows how selfish you are. People change. People evolve. Relationships change. I guess you’re not in it for the long haul. Of course, from my limited knowledge, that’s your MO. You seem to hop from one guy to the next in search of some happiness that will always elude you until you are happy with who you are - if you are even capable of loving yourself. It must be awfully tiring to be filled with such self loathing and entitlement.

Don’t think people don’t see what you’re trying to do here. What a coincidence that when there’s trouble in paradise you start trying to creep back in. "I’ll be spending more time at the house this summer." Your lease is coming up in August - and I have all ideas that you’ll try to move back in. I bet you don’t know that if you do things won’t be like you might have hoped. B will never share a bed with you. He has said that he will move to our house full time. How you like them apples?

The bottom line is this: your opportunities to be a bitch to me are going to become fewer and farther between. And on the rare occasions we are in the same space I will continue to be cordial and civil until it no longer serves me. Meanwhile I will be highly amused watching you try to resurrect something that’s long been dead. I pity you. I have general disdain for you based upon your past and current actions. You can’t undo those and you continue to do damage, so you just keep on keepin’ on and see what happens. I’m sure you’ll get quite the surprise.

And, by the way, you may want to study up on the difference between "your" and "you’re".

Regards,

Me

I wonder...

If my loves still get excited about our relationship or if they're in the "settled" phase?

I still get excited whenever I see them.  They still light up my days, my nights, my life.  I still get giddy with butterflies in my tummy.

Have they wondered the same thing about me, too?

It's a scary thought to ponder; me falling in love with them all over again all the time and them wishing I'd just stop it and get on with life.

It's not that I don't feel loved or that I feel neglected or whatnot.  It's just something that I think about from time to time, yet don't have the nerve to ask for fear of the answer.  Besides, I don't want either of them to feel like I'm fishing for compliments or that I'm unsure of our relationship.  I'm not unsure that they love me.  I don't doubt that a bit.  There are examples all around me.

Gah.