Things are about to get ugly

For B.

I hate it for him and I know it's going to be extremely difficult to do what he feels he needs to do.

I want to find the line between being supportive and being "on his side."  Of COURSE I'm on his side; however, I can't let my bias skew my perspective.

I know I can do that.

I just hope he comes out the other side of this unscathed, but I have my doubts.

*sigh*

Sometimes I hate people.

Sigh of Relief

Had a long, long talk with B Saturday night.  It was so good and we really hammered some things out.  While his life is swirling in chaos - *our* relationship doesn't have to be caught up in it.  We are solid.  It just took some head bangin' to get to that realization. ;)

Now I can breathe again.

It's Friday.

I say "fuck this shit."

I try so hard...

To be accommodating.  To be supportive.  To be flexible.  To bend without breaking.

Sometimes it works.  Other times not so much.

I feel like I'm failing miserably.  I really am at a loss.  Our communication styles are so different and I fear that is going to be the proverbial straw.  I *know* I communicate a LOT.  I don't push my feelings down, they are on the surface and I know it's tedious.  He's already got a lot of "work" on his plate and I don't want to be more for him.

Sometimes I think what might be best for him is for me to slowly bow out and let him forget about me altogether.  Being poly is supposed to add to one's life, not take away from.  I feel like I ask too much of him and that's not a good feeling.

Feeling better...

Had a long talk with B last night.  I feel like we're in a much better place now that we were able to hash some things out.

I honestly think this is our first growing pain.  Hopefully we're surviving it.

Well...

I did it.

I initiated "the" conversation with B.

I feel like I said a lot of things and, quite frankly, I feel almost as much at a loss as I did before.

I guess the good thing is that I told him how I was feeling, right?

I get that he's in limbo.  I just don't get why *we* have to be in limbo.  I know that when things are a little wobbly for me I tend to cling to the things I *know.*  Maybe he doesn't know me.  Maybe he doesn't know where I stand.  Maybe it's because he hasn't been listening.

I want him to be an active participant in this relationship *with* me.  I don't just want a participant observer.  I want him to make a decision.  I want him to stop putting it off on me, and that's what it feels like right now.  I have asked him in this conversation repeatedly to tell me how our relationship works for him and he will not answer it.  How many more ways do I have to come up with how to phrase a question?

Maybe he's avoiding answering me because it's really not worth the thought it takes him to formulate an answer.  I feel extremely insignificant right now.  I don't have to be the Queen.  I just don't want to be a peasant, either.

Grrrr.

It's difficult feeling stifled.

I feel like I have to censor myself about the whole situation.  I keep telling myself over and over it's really none of my business, yet it doesn't seem to help.

Maybe what really bothers me is what I would say if I *could* say it.  It's heinous.  It's mean spirited.  It's judgmental.  It's just...nasty.  Venomous.  I am ashamed of my thoughts and feelings.  Regardless, they're still there and I can't just make them go away.

There's a line between open and honest communication and just plain, old tacky.

Besides, it's hard to hear things about someone you love that aren't very nice.

*sigh*

I feel paralyzed by it.  My heart races more often than it doesn't.  I'm stressed out.  Things feel very one sided right now.

It hurts.  It's not supposed to hurt like this.

Status Update

Things lately have been a little trying.  B is struggling with some issues with his primary and, quite honestly, I'm not adept at navigating these waters.  Sure, I have dated other poly folk and they have had issues with other partners; however, this situation is a little different.

When I met B he warned me that some weeks he'd have an abundance of free time and other weeks he wouldn't.  I grok that.  Up until recently, though, he's had that free time.  Now the kids are out of school, his primary is usually gone every weekend, and just *life* is happening, not to mention the issues they are dealing with.  The end of his free time was quite abrupt and couple that with him being quiet and removed (because of his other relationship issues) - well, it has just made me a little uneasy.

I am terrified that there will come a point that I am too much work for him.  Not everyone is cut out to be poly and it takes up time, energy and resources (sometimes we have to create the extra time, energy and resources, too). 

I know his "real" life is completely independent of me and while I think that's all well and good - my "real" life isn't completely independent of him.  WW adores him, too.  It's not just he and I dating.  There are 4 relationship dynamics going on:  me and him, me and WW, he and WW (even though it's not romantic) and the 3 of us.  WW is definitely a part of this poly experience whereas his primary seemingly wants nothing to do with his polyness.  I acknowledge that everyone's poly style is different, that whatever works for them is what works for them, etc.  However, most of my poly experiences have been all encompassing - meaning that everyone knows one another, is at least civil (preferably actually friends), etc.

I've never met B's primary.  I've been dating him for a few months now and I doubt I will ever meet her.  That is fine, mind you.  I don't want to expend energy trying to be friends with someone who has no interest in even meeting me.  It doesn't bother or upset me in the slightest.  I do think it's unfortunate, though, not specific to her, but just in general.  I am very much desirous of knowing the people in my partners' lives. :)

B and I had dinner last night and he came over last Friday night - so we've been slowly reconnecting and I'm thankful for that.  I do love that boy.

Of course, I feel a little guilty because I know I've been "off" trying to wrap my head around what's going on with him and I know that's impacted my relationship with WW.  She hates seeing me (or B, honestly) struggle.  I do love that girl.

So, that's the update.

Hope you are well.

D-