are weird. Sometimes not in a good way, either.
This weekend A had a friend visit. I say he is her friend because, honestly, I don't feel like he and I are friends anymore - more like acquaintances. Him visiting wasn't a problem initially.
You see, a year ago she professed her love - not platonic - for him. So, that tension is there.
Secondly, A has some issues that prevent her from having things that are exclusively for herself.
I tend to get so excited at the mere prospect of her having a "normal" relationship that I think I tend to push too hard. That's not fair and yet, it is what it is. Can't change that now.
Let me clarify the "normal" part. Our life together is not "normal" - there is an issue that has been looming over us for a really long time (a decade, perhaps). It causes stress in our relationship (which is otherwise amazing) that impacts us both negatively. I cannot say that A isn't aware and hasn't been working on this. She has. I know she worries about it constantly.
The thing is - the root cause of this monster - in my opinion - is fear.
So, anyway, friend comes into town and I offer to give them time alone. That freaks her out. I know that she would be focused on me if I were in the same space with them and I don't want to impede her even remotely allowing herself to just be *her*. I made plans to go out with B to dinner, which always seems to comfort her (my being with B). Of course, that did not stop her from freaking out about being alone with friend.
That one simple thing started an avalanche that escalated into something horrific. I am ashamed at how I handled it and have been kicking myself in the ass ever since.
How do I balance being excited and feeling sad knowing that it would probably be easier for her to be in a relationship with a boy? I think I'd feel slighted if it *was* easier because our relationship lacks in an area. I know that being poly means getting needs fulfilled from different places so as to not put stress on a primary partner. I totally get that and fully believe it. However, some things are integral to the success of a relationship and when something like that is missing - it's hard to have compersion and be happy to see that same thing that causes an issue in one relationship flourish in another.
I just need to accept that mine and A's relationship is the way it is and hope for it to change yet prepare for it to stay the same. I need to get over feeling a little worried that her "normal" relationship with someone else would be something she preferred and I'd be replaced. If that happened I'd certainly deal with it, right? I mean, I would have to. It doesn't mean I'd like it, though.
After much round and round Friday and Saturday morning I think we're at least headed in the right-ish direction. I spent the day with friend while A had to work and it was awkward. I made plans to go to the movies with B that night so they could have some time together again. That was awkward, too, and he mentioned leaving and I told him that A would be upset if he left before she got off work, so he stayed til then and my understanding was he was leaving right after dinner. I left to go to the movies and when I got out at 10:30 I called A to tell her I was on my way home and he was still there. Like I said, he's her friend, not mine. It was interesting that his plans changed, but that's another story for another day. It did bother me; perhaps a little more than it should. I was able to tell A that it bothered me without it being a huge deal, so that helped. It didn't make it any less awkward, but it helped some.
* sigh *
Major fail weekend thus far.
Sunday was a little better. A and I spent the day being lazy. We stayed in bed into the early afternoon and it was wonderful. We listened to the rain the rest of the day, played cards, crafted, listened to music - and we didn't have to talk about the horrible situation from the last two days. It doesn't mean it's not still an issue, but at least we didn't have to continue on the downward spiral.
I did enjoy spending time with B, though. He was supposed to be with us this week but there was a change of scheduling. I will see him on Wednesday night and we may go out to dinner with one of his CO-WORKERS. That's a BFD (Big Fuckin' Deal). I hope I don't make a fool of myself. That's a whole 'nother post.
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