Monday, November 26, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Giving Thanks
So many things have happened this year:
1. Horrible break up with The Boy.
2. Health issues with Amylita.
3. Meeting B and falling head over heels for him.
4. Health issues with my mother.
5. Family squabbles.
6. Roller coaster at work.
7. Apprenticing in Coven.
I'm sure there's more, too. Some of these things bring me great joy while others test me. However, I am thankful for each experience. It makes me who I am today and I think I kick ass.
The break up with The Boy was devastating. After months of living like I had battered wife syndrome I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Do not misunderstand, though. I was not battered - it just felt like I was stuck in the loop that his drinking (or inability to NOT drink) was somehow my fault and if I could just "do better" things would be ok. That's bullshit. I tried being his friend after he left and that was similarly abusive. He's just not in a place to where he can be a friend to anyone, even himself. I fear that's what his future holds and I hate it. I finally had to close that door and it was one of the hardest things I have had to do in a long time. It's for the best, though.
Amylita has been battling some unexplained health issues, i.e. headaches, wooziness, etc. We went round and round with the docs and there was even a Lupus scare. Fortunately, she doesn't have Lupus. We seem to have found a combination of drugs that helps with the headaches. We did have a snag in her meds that sent her on a roller coaster for a couple weeks, but that was quickly sorted out and she's on the right track now. I hope it continues to improve.
I met B at the end of January/beginning of February. I had no idea when we met for coffee on a Saturday afternoon that he would become a fixture in my life. We've had our ups and downs that's all a part of learning one another. I've never had a relationship like this with a boy. It's taken some time to adjust and I think I'm getting there. He fits in our family. He treats me and *us* well. He's genuine and compelling and just generally awesome. He's showing me that all I have to do for someone to love me is just be me. I'm good enough. Sometimes I slip back into old habits and I hate that, but he's so patient with me. He's taught me so much. I admire and respect him. I just love him and he lets me. And...he loves me back.
My mother's health is quickly fading. She'd been having balance issues and had fallen several times over a few weeks. She has osteoporosis. She has degenerative disc disease. She just found out she's in Stage III renal failure. The biggest thing, though, was that she was heavily over medicated. We got that sorted out and the last few weeks she's been her spunky, fuck you, self. No dizziness. No falling. She's my mother again. For that I am thankful.
My family has always been dysfunctional; however, we've always stuck together. This whole over medicated thing with my mother made her absolutely batshit crazy and there was a huge falling out with my brother. They haven't spoken in over a month and this Thanksgiving is going to be weird because he and his family won't be there. I hate it. I had my own falling out with my brother and we didn't speak for a couple years. We had to split holidays with the family and the like and it was HORRIBLE. When my father died we reconciled. Life is too short to hang on to bullshit. Apologize and move on.
Work has been - well, work. If it was fun they'd call it something else, right? I have one of the most incompetent co-irkers ever. I've begged for her to be fired and let me hire someone to help *me* - because I seem to end up with all the work because "she'll just fuck it up." The older partner in the firm says he's just not got the energy to "go through it again". *Sigh* Oh well. I'm thankful to have a job when so many people have such a hard time finding one.
Earlier in the year Amylita and I began our apprenticeship with our Coven. We've known these people for years and we were finally ready to make that commitment. Sometimes it's a pain in the ass, but most of the time it's WONDERFUL. We truly are a family - and I mean that in the truest sense of the word. We've got one another's back. We call each other on our bullshit. We genuinely love one another and lift each other up. Spiritually, it's nice to have others to go this path with.
I am thankful for each of these things - even the hard things. All of the struggles make me stronger and teach me something about myself and others. The joys are cherished times. Being present in the moment, whatever moment that is, lets me know I'm ALIVE - and I can't think a better state of being.
1. Horrible break up with The Boy.
2. Health issues with Amylita.
3. Meeting B and falling head over heels for him.
4. Health issues with my mother.
5. Family squabbles.
6. Roller coaster at work.
7. Apprenticing in Coven.
I'm sure there's more, too. Some of these things bring me great joy while others test me. However, I am thankful for each experience. It makes me who I am today and I think I kick ass.
The break up with The Boy was devastating. After months of living like I had battered wife syndrome I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Do not misunderstand, though. I was not battered - it just felt like I was stuck in the loop that his drinking (or inability to NOT drink) was somehow my fault and if I could just "do better" things would be ok. That's bullshit. I tried being his friend after he left and that was similarly abusive. He's just not in a place to where he can be a friend to anyone, even himself. I fear that's what his future holds and I hate it. I finally had to close that door and it was one of the hardest things I have had to do in a long time. It's for the best, though.
Amylita has been battling some unexplained health issues, i.e. headaches, wooziness, etc. We went round and round with the docs and there was even a Lupus scare. Fortunately, she doesn't have Lupus. We seem to have found a combination of drugs that helps with the headaches. We did have a snag in her meds that sent her on a roller coaster for a couple weeks, but that was quickly sorted out and she's on the right track now. I hope it continues to improve.
I met B at the end of January/beginning of February. I had no idea when we met for coffee on a Saturday afternoon that he would become a fixture in my life. We've had our ups and downs that's all a part of learning one another. I've never had a relationship like this with a boy. It's taken some time to adjust and I think I'm getting there. He fits in our family. He treats me and *us* well. He's genuine and compelling and just generally awesome. He's showing me that all I have to do for someone to love me is just be me. I'm good enough. Sometimes I slip back into old habits and I hate that, but he's so patient with me. He's taught me so much. I admire and respect him. I just love him and he lets me. And...he loves me back.
My mother's health is quickly fading. She'd been having balance issues and had fallen several times over a few weeks. She has osteoporosis. She has degenerative disc disease. She just found out she's in Stage III renal failure. The biggest thing, though, was that she was heavily over medicated. We got that sorted out and the last few weeks she's been her spunky, fuck you, self. No dizziness. No falling. She's my mother again. For that I am thankful.
My family has always been dysfunctional; however, we've always stuck together. This whole over medicated thing with my mother made her absolutely batshit crazy and there was a huge falling out with my brother. They haven't spoken in over a month and this Thanksgiving is going to be weird because he and his family won't be there. I hate it. I had my own falling out with my brother and we didn't speak for a couple years. We had to split holidays with the family and the like and it was HORRIBLE. When my father died we reconciled. Life is too short to hang on to bullshit. Apologize and move on.
Work has been - well, work. If it was fun they'd call it something else, right? I have one of the most incompetent co-irkers ever. I've begged for her to be fired and let me hire someone to help *me* - because I seem to end up with all the work because "she'll just fuck it up." The older partner in the firm says he's just not got the energy to "go through it again". *Sigh* Oh well. I'm thankful to have a job when so many people have such a hard time finding one.
Earlier in the year Amylita and I began our apprenticeship with our Coven. We've known these people for years and we were finally ready to make that commitment. Sometimes it's a pain in the ass, but most of the time it's WONDERFUL. We truly are a family - and I mean that in the truest sense of the word. We've got one another's back. We call each other on our bullshit. We genuinely love one another and lift each other up. Spiritually, it's nice to have others to go this path with.
I am thankful for each of these things - even the hard things. All of the struggles make me stronger and teach me something about myself and others. The joys are cherished times. Being present in the moment, whatever moment that is, lets me know I'm ALIVE - and I can't think a better state of being.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Ramble on
So, every now and again I need to do a brain dump. Some things make sense, others do not. Enjoy.
I have realized that I am one of those people who, if it's on, it's ON. I'm a jump in with both feet kinda gal. I don't do anything half assed. Not even failing. On more than one occasion this has ended up with me getting egg on my face, or my feelings hurt, or something equally unpleasant. As a result, I ask myself "Am I doing that *thing* again?". That *thing* to me is living life wide open. I don't apologize for who I am, how I live my life, etc. I try to live every day as authentically as possible. I try very hard not to censor myself. I say what I feel - even if it puts me in a vulnerable position - which it almost always does. I try not to play most of the games people play. I work at not being passive aggressive. I try to actually live a life as opposed to planning to live one someday.
Of course, this doesn't come without its own set of disadvantages. Living life wide open sounds glamorous, no? I'm not a socialite or a partier or any of the things "wide open" might imply. I'm boring and I'm ok with that. I like small, intimate groups of people. I like quiet evenings at home with the people I love (or at least like). I do enjoy going out on occasion, but it's mostly that I enjoy seeing people having a good time. I like being a part of that good time, too. I'm really easy to get along with, so it's not really about *where* I am, but moreso *who* I am with. Hell, Amylita and I have a blast going to the grocery store.
I find myself feeling compelled to tell the people I love that I love them - ALL. THE. TIME. Amy and I tell one another that a bajillion times a day. We thank one another for the littlest things. I know that to some people that may be silly or pathetic or a whole host of other things, but, I don't ever want her to feel like I take her for granted. I want her to know how much I love and appreciate her. And you know what? I still probably don't tell her enough.
Here's one of the things that has been weighing heavily on my mind: I fear that I tell B too much too often. I love him more every day. I don't want a minute to go by without him knowing how awesome he is and how loved he is and how grateful I am to be in his life and he in mine. Now, that's not to say I tell him every minute. That'd just be silly. I have to wait at least three minutes between each time. *wink*
Why do I feel this way? He says he's not good with words. I fear that he'll feel like he has to reciprocate the sentiment - which he doesn't. If I've learned anything over the last 12 years it's that my feelings aren't conditioned on whether or not they're returned. It's ok to tell people you love them, even if they don't love you back. It's ok to reach out to people; to let them know they are loved and adored and cherished and appreciated and respected and admired.
Don't misunderstand. I'm not saying that I don't need to hear those things from people because that'd be a lie. Everyone wants to hear things like that, even if it's only occasionally. We also have to take actions into consideration, too. I know B loves me because he shows me. He makes time for me. He pays attention. He listens.
I just hope that I'm not loving him more every day while he's loving me less. Not that it would change how much I love him - just that it would be awkward for us both. I still get giddy when I just think about him or talk to him or see him or know I'm going to see him. I'm excited about him and our relationship. I'm excited about our triad dynamic that seems to be coming more naturally and easily to both him and Amylita. I'm just - *excited*.
The flip side of that is excruciating for me sometimes, though. I feel like I'm constantly worried about my shiny wearing off. Ok, *constantly* isn't accurate, but it sure does feel like it. Often I have control over my self esteem issues, but this one - this one waits in the dark corners to pounce on me when I least expect it. You see, I have always been with boys that needed me more than I needed them; therefore, I found myself constantly doing for them. Once I stopped - they split. B doesn't need me. He doesn't need me to do anything for him. (That doesn't stop me from trying, but that's another post.) It's odd to not be jumping through hoops and him stick around. It makes me anxious for the other shoe to drop. I feel like I'm being suspicious and that's not cool.
I know this is a me thing. I know I need to fix it or otherwise I could sabotage a wonderful relationship with a boy. I think it's easier with Amylita because I didn't have anything to base my relationship with her on. It wasn't like there were other women in my life. It was new territory for us both. We had to find our own way instead of falling into the prescribed gender roles - because we had no clue what we were doing. We just knew we loved one another. We knew we wanted to be good to one another. We knew that we wanted to be together. So, that's what we did. I know it sounds like I'm making this harder than it is - and maybe I am - yet it's so powerful sometimes. I don't know how to be when being me is good enough. It hasn't felt like that's been the case too often.
I have got to get this under control.
I have realized that I am one of those people who, if it's on, it's ON. I'm a jump in with both feet kinda gal. I don't do anything half assed. Not even failing. On more than one occasion this has ended up with me getting egg on my face, or my feelings hurt, or something equally unpleasant. As a result, I ask myself "Am I doing that *thing* again?". That *thing* to me is living life wide open. I don't apologize for who I am, how I live my life, etc. I try to live every day as authentically as possible. I try very hard not to censor myself. I say what I feel - even if it puts me in a vulnerable position - which it almost always does. I try not to play most of the games people play. I work at not being passive aggressive. I try to actually live a life as opposed to planning to live one someday.
Of course, this doesn't come without its own set of disadvantages. Living life wide open sounds glamorous, no? I'm not a socialite or a partier or any of the things "wide open" might imply. I'm boring and I'm ok with that. I like small, intimate groups of people. I like quiet evenings at home with the people I love (or at least like). I do enjoy going out on occasion, but it's mostly that I enjoy seeing people having a good time. I like being a part of that good time, too. I'm really easy to get along with, so it's not really about *where* I am, but moreso *who* I am with. Hell, Amylita and I have a blast going to the grocery store.
I find myself feeling compelled to tell the people I love that I love them - ALL. THE. TIME. Amy and I tell one another that a bajillion times a day. We thank one another for the littlest things. I know that to some people that may be silly or pathetic or a whole host of other things, but, I don't ever want her to feel like I take her for granted. I want her to know how much I love and appreciate her. And you know what? I still probably don't tell her enough.
Here's one of the things that has been weighing heavily on my mind: I fear that I tell B too much too often. I love him more every day. I don't want a minute to go by without him knowing how awesome he is and how loved he is and how grateful I am to be in his life and he in mine. Now, that's not to say I tell him every minute. That'd just be silly. I have to wait at least three minutes between each time. *wink*
Why do I feel this way? He says he's not good with words. I fear that he'll feel like he has to reciprocate the sentiment - which he doesn't. If I've learned anything over the last 12 years it's that my feelings aren't conditioned on whether or not they're returned. It's ok to tell people you love them, even if they don't love you back. It's ok to reach out to people; to let them know they are loved and adored and cherished and appreciated and respected and admired.
Don't misunderstand. I'm not saying that I don't need to hear those things from people because that'd be a lie. Everyone wants to hear things like that, even if it's only occasionally. We also have to take actions into consideration, too. I know B loves me because he shows me. He makes time for me. He pays attention. He listens.
I just hope that I'm not loving him more every day while he's loving me less. Not that it would change how much I love him - just that it would be awkward for us both. I still get giddy when I just think about him or talk to him or see him or know I'm going to see him. I'm excited about him and our relationship. I'm excited about our triad dynamic that seems to be coming more naturally and easily to both him and Amylita. I'm just - *excited*.
The flip side of that is excruciating for me sometimes, though. I feel like I'm constantly worried about my shiny wearing off. Ok, *constantly* isn't accurate, but it sure does feel like it. Often I have control over my self esteem issues, but this one - this one waits in the dark corners to pounce on me when I least expect it. You see, I have always been with boys that needed me more than I needed them; therefore, I found myself constantly doing for them. Once I stopped - they split. B doesn't need me. He doesn't need me to do anything for him. (That doesn't stop me from trying, but that's another post.) It's odd to not be jumping through hoops and him stick around. It makes me anxious for the other shoe to drop. I feel like I'm being suspicious and that's not cool.
I know this is a me thing. I know I need to fix it or otherwise I could sabotage a wonderful relationship with a boy. I think it's easier with Amylita because I didn't have anything to base my relationship with her on. It wasn't like there were other women in my life. It was new territory for us both. We had to find our own way instead of falling into the prescribed gender roles - because we had no clue what we were doing. We just knew we loved one another. We knew we wanted to be good to one another. We knew that we wanted to be together. So, that's what we did. I know it sounds like I'm making this harder than it is - and maybe I am - yet it's so powerful sometimes. I don't know how to be when being me is good enough. It hasn't felt like that's been the case too often.
I have got to get this under control.
I'm OK - or am I?
First, I haven't been feeling well the past month or so. Headachy, nauseated, just general ick. Amylita mentioned that her GIRD symptoms were very similar, so I started taking a zantac-ish pill every day the last few days and it seems to be better. I'm trying to start eating like normal people do - i.e. actually eating more than once a day with a few "snacks" peppered in here and there. I just don't feel good. Like in general don't feel good. My body isn't very happy with me and I can't really blame it. I haven't been treating it very well lately. Hopefully the measures I'm taking will help.
Second, I know that when I don't feel well physically I don't feel in tiptop shape emotionally, either. I'm tired. I can't seem to get enough sleep. I've contemplated whether or not I'm depressed or just dealing with the onset of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) like a lot of us experience when the time changes.
Now, that's not to say that I am completely miserable all the time. Quite the contrary. We've been social, I've spent time with my loves, etc. This weekend Amylita and I are heading to Atlanta for a concert. So it's not like I'm all woe is me. I'm trudging through it.
I'm just tired of not feeling well. Period. I wouldn't even know what to tell the doctor was wrong with me. "Uh, I feel like I'm going to hurl at any given moment most of the time and my head hurts." Seriously?
Ugh.
Second, I know that when I don't feel well physically I don't feel in tiptop shape emotionally, either. I'm tired. I can't seem to get enough sleep. I've contemplated whether or not I'm depressed or just dealing with the onset of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) like a lot of us experience when the time changes.
Now, that's not to say that I am completely miserable all the time. Quite the contrary. We've been social, I've spent time with my loves, etc. This weekend Amylita and I are heading to Atlanta for a concert. So it's not like I'm all woe is me. I'm trudging through it.
I'm just tired of not feeling well. Period. I wouldn't even know what to tell the doctor was wrong with me. "Uh, I feel like I'm going to hurl at any given moment most of the time and my head hurts." Seriously?
Ugh.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
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