Giving Thanks

So many things have happened this year:

1.  Horrible break up with The Boy.

2.  Health issues with Amylita.

3.  Meeting B and falling head over heels for him.

4.  Health issues with my mother.

5.  Family squabbles.

6.  Roller coaster at work.

7.  Apprenticing in Coven.

I'm sure there's more, too.  Some of these things bring me great joy while others test me.  However, I am thankful for each experience.  It makes me who I am today and I think I kick ass.

The break up with The Boy was devastating.  After months of living like I had battered wife syndrome I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.  Do not misunderstand, though.  I was not battered - it just felt like I was stuck in the loop that his drinking (or inability to NOT drink) was somehow my fault and if I could just "do better" things would be ok.  That's bullshit.  I tried being his friend after he left and that was similarly abusive.  He's just not in a place to where he can be a friend to anyone, even himself.  I fear that's what his future holds and I hate it.  I finally had to close that door and it was one of the hardest things I have had to do in a long time.  It's for the best, though.

Amylita has been battling some unexplained health issues, i.e. headaches, wooziness, etc.  We went round and round with the docs and there was even a Lupus scare.  Fortunately, she doesn't have Lupus.  We seem to have found a combination of drugs that helps with the headaches.  We did have a snag in her meds that sent her on a roller coaster for a couple weeks, but that was quickly sorted out and she's on the right track now.  I hope it continues to improve.

I met B at the end of January/beginning of February.  I had no idea when we met for coffee on a Saturday afternoon that he would become a fixture in my life.  We've had our ups and downs that's all a part of learning one another.  I've never had a relationship like this with a boy.  It's taken some time to adjust and I think I'm getting there.  He fits in our family.  He treats me and *us* well.  He's genuine and compelling and just generally awesome.  He's showing me that all I have to do for someone to love me is just be me.  I'm good enough.  Sometimes I slip back into old habits and I hate that, but he's so patient with me.  He's taught me so much.  I admire and respect him.  I just love him and he lets me.  And...he loves me back. 

My mother's health is quickly fading.  She'd been having balance issues and had fallen several times over a few weeks.  She has osteoporosis.  She has degenerative disc disease.  She just found out she's in Stage III renal failure.  The biggest thing, though, was that she was heavily over medicated.  We got that sorted out and the last few weeks she's been her spunky, fuck you, self.  No dizziness.  No falling.  She's my mother again.  For that I am thankful.

My family has always been dysfunctional; however, we've always stuck together.  This whole over medicated thing with my mother made her absolutely batshit crazy and there was a huge falling out with my brother.  They haven't spoken in over a month and this Thanksgiving is going to be weird because he and his family won't be there.  I hate it.  I had my own falling out with my brother and we didn't speak for a couple years.  We had to split holidays with the family and the like and it was HORRIBLE.  When my father died we reconciled.  Life is too short to hang on to bullshit.  Apologize and move on.

Work has been - well, work.  If it was fun they'd call it something else, right?  I have one of the most incompetent co-irkers ever.  I've begged for her to be fired and let me hire someone to help *me* - because I seem to end up with all the work because "she'll just fuck it up." The older partner in the firm says he's just not got the energy to "go through it again".  *Sigh*  Oh well.  I'm thankful to have a job when so many people have such a hard time finding one.

Earlier in the year Amylita and I began our apprenticeship with our Coven.  We've known these people for years and we were finally ready to make that commitment.  Sometimes it's a pain in the ass, but most of the time it's WONDERFUL.  We truly are a family - and I mean that in the truest sense of the word.  We've got one another's back.  We call each other on our bullshit.  We genuinely love one another and lift each other up.  Spiritually, it's nice to have others to go this path with.

I am thankful for each of these things - even the hard things.  All of the struggles make me stronger and teach me something about myself and others.  The joys are cherished times.  Being present in the moment, whatever moment that is, lets me know I'm ALIVE - and I can't think a better state of being.