Ramble on

So, every now and again I need to do a brain dump.  Some things make sense, others do not.  Enjoy.

I have realized that I am one of those people who, if it's on, it's ON.  I'm a jump in with both feet kinda gal.  I don't do anything half assed.  Not even failing.  On more than one occasion this has ended up with me getting egg on my face, or my feelings hurt, or something equally unpleasant.  As a result, I ask myself "Am I doing that *thing* again?".  That *thing* to me is living life wide open.  I don't apologize for who I am, how I live my life, etc.  I try to live every day as authentically as possible.  I try very hard not to censor myself.  I say what I feel - even if it puts me in a vulnerable position - which it almost always does.  I try not to play most of the games people play.  I work at not being passive aggressive.  I try to actually live a life as opposed to planning to live one someday.

Of course, this doesn't come without its own set of disadvantages.  Living life wide open sounds glamorous, no?  I'm not a socialite or a partier or any of the things "wide open" might imply.  I'm boring and I'm ok with that.  I like small, intimate groups of people.  I like quiet evenings at home with the people I love (or at least like).  I do enjoy going out on occasion, but it's mostly that I enjoy seeing people having a good time.  I like being a part of that good time, too.  I'm really easy to get along with, so it's not really about *where* I am, but moreso *who* I am with.  Hell, Amylita and I have a blast going to the grocery store.

I find myself feeling compelled to tell the people I love that I love them - ALL. THE. TIME.  Amy and I tell one another that a bajillion times a day.  We thank one another for the littlest things.  I know that to some people that may be silly or pathetic or a whole host of other things, but, I don't ever want her to feel like I take her for granted.  I want her to know how much I love and appreciate her.  And you know what?  I still probably don't tell her enough.

Here's one of the things that has been weighing heavily on my mind:  I fear that I tell B too much too often.  I love him more every day.  I don't want a minute to go by without him knowing how awesome he is and how loved he is and how grateful I am to be in his life and he in mine.  Now, that's not to say I tell him every minute.  That'd just be silly.  I have to wait at least three minutes between each time.  *wink*

Why do I feel this way?  He says he's not good with words.  I fear that he'll feel like he has to reciprocate the sentiment - which he doesn't.  If I've learned anything over the last 12 years it's that my feelings aren't conditioned on whether or not they're returned.  It's ok to tell people you love them, even if they don't love you back.  It's ok to reach out to people; to let them know they are loved and adored and cherished and appreciated and respected and admired. 

Don't misunderstand.  I'm not saying that I don't need to hear those things from people because that'd be a lie.  Everyone wants to hear things like that, even if it's only occasionally.  We also have to take actions into consideration, too.  I know B loves me because he shows me.  He makes time for me.  He pays attention.  He listens. 

I just hope that I'm not loving him more every day while he's loving me less.  Not that it would change how much I love him - just that it would be awkward for us both.  I still get giddy when I just think about him or talk to him or see him or know I'm going to see him.  I'm excited about him and our relationship.  I'm excited about our triad dynamic that seems to be coming more naturally and easily to both him and Amylita.  I'm just - *excited*.

The flip side of that is excruciating for me sometimes, though.  I feel like I'm constantly worried about my shiny wearing off.  Ok, *constantly* isn't accurate, but it sure does feel like it.  Often I have control over my self esteem issues, but this one - this one waits in the dark corners to pounce on me when I least expect it.  You see, I have always been with boys that needed me more than I needed them; therefore, I found myself constantly doing for them.  Once I stopped - they split.  B doesn't need me.  He doesn't need me to do anything for him.  (That doesn't stop me from trying, but that's another post.)  It's odd to not be jumping through hoops and him stick around.  It makes me anxious for the other shoe to drop.  I feel like I'm being suspicious and that's not cool. 

I know this is a me thing.  I know I need to fix it or otherwise I could sabotage a wonderful relationship with a boy.  I think it's easier with Amylita because I didn't have anything to base my relationship with her on.  It wasn't like there were other women in my life.  It was new territory for us both.  We had to find our own way instead of falling into the prescribed gender roles - because we had no clue what we were doing.  We just knew we loved one another.  We knew we wanted to be good to one another.  We knew that we wanted to be together.  So, that's what we did.  I know it sounds like I'm making this harder than it is - and maybe I am - yet it's so powerful sometimes.  I don't know how to be when being me is good enough.  It hasn't felt like that's been the case too often.

I have got to get this under control.