Holy shit. We're doing it.

10/4/14. 

More details to come.

*SQUEE*

Run-by fruiting, err...posting

Things are going so well that sometimes I wonder if it's real.

Unsent Letters Vol 1

I am writing this here because there is no way I could actually say these things to the person due to circumstances beyond my control. Also, there’s no point in making waves that will have an impact not only on me, but on those that I love. I’m hoping that by getting it out I will find my catharsis.

Dear You:

First, let me say that I have tried to be friendly to you even when you acted like I wasn’t even in the room. I have tried to initiate conversation with you. I have looked you in the eye. I have tried to show you respect, not only as a human being, but as the mother of amazing children that I have grown to love and have grown to love me.

Do not misunderstand, there is no requirement that we be friends; however, I deserve the same respect I have extended to you. You don’t have to like me. I don’t have to like you (and I don’t, by the way, just in case you were wondering). Having said that, though, I do strive to be the bigger person and I think I’ve exhibited that on the few occasions we’ve been in the same space.

It’s odd that the first time we met you were cordial - of course, the whole conversation was about your child (which is fine - we have an interest in his academic success, too). Subsequent "interactions," if one could call it that, have consisted of me trying to acknowledge you and you snubbing your nose at me. The saddest part of this is that your children notice. Great example to set for them, huh?

I have my own ideas about what happened between our first meeting and the subsequent ones. I believe that you are jealous. I believe that you are bothered by the fact that your children genuinely like us and want to spend time with us. I believe you actually would like them to have the same aversion to us as they do your boyfriend. Guess what? That’s not going to happen. Perhaps it’s because we treat them like people and not chattel. Perhaps it’s because we don’t try to parent them when we’re not their parent. Perhaps it’s because we actually listen to them and their struggles and not dismiss them. Perhaps it’s because they actually respect us. It speaks volumes when some of your children have only been to your house ONCE since you moved out last August and yet they have been to our house numerous times in the last few months.

Regardless of how you feel about me and our presence in their lives you must know this: We are not going anywhere. There is nothing you can do about it, either. You have one of two choices in this situation. You can continue to be rude and disrespectful of people that are a positive influence in your children’s lives or you can get that stick out of your ass and act like somebody.

Also, I hear that your relationship with your boyfriend isn’t going so well. You "didn’t sign up for this." To me, that just shows how selfish you are. People change. People evolve. Relationships change. I guess you’re not in it for the long haul. Of course, from my limited knowledge, that’s your MO. You seem to hop from one guy to the next in search of some happiness that will always elude you until you are happy with who you are - if you are even capable of loving yourself. It must be awfully tiring to be filled with such self loathing and entitlement.

Don’t think people don’t see what you’re trying to do here. What a coincidence that when there’s trouble in paradise you start trying to creep back in. "I’ll be spending more time at the house this summer." Your lease is coming up in August - and I have all ideas that you’ll try to move back in. I bet you don’t know that if you do things won’t be like you might have hoped. B will never share a bed with you. He has said that he will move to our house full time. How you like them apples?

The bottom line is this: your opportunities to be a bitch to me are going to become fewer and farther between. And on the rare occasions we are in the same space I will continue to be cordial and civil until it no longer serves me. Meanwhile I will be highly amused watching you try to resurrect something that’s long been dead. I pity you. I have general disdain for you based upon your past and current actions. You can’t undo those and you continue to do damage, so you just keep on keepin’ on and see what happens. I’m sure you’ll get quite the surprise.

And, by the way, you may want to study up on the difference between "your" and "you’re".

Regards,

Me

I wonder...

If my loves still get excited about our relationship or if they're in the "settled" phase?

I still get excited whenever I see them.  They still light up my days, my nights, my life.  I still get giddy with butterflies in my tummy.

Have they wondered the same thing about me, too?

It's a scary thought to ponder; me falling in love with them all over again all the time and them wishing I'd just stop it and get on with life.

It's not that I don't feel loved or that I feel neglected or whatnot.  It's just something that I think about from time to time, yet don't have the nerve to ask for fear of the answer.  Besides, I don't want either of them to feel like I'm fishing for compliments or that I'm unsure of our relationship.  I'm not unsure that they love me.  I don't doubt that a bit.  There are examples all around me.

Gah. 

So much to say...

And yet I'm having trouble finding words.

Suffice it to say - things are going more well than not well - still a few glitches here and there, but our lives are on the upward slope to amazing and it's all good. :)

Hope you are well, too.

Long overdue update!

Wow.  So many things have happened!

Most importantly - B's family KNOWS!  Right down to his GRANDMOTHER!

Amylita and I went to Easter dinner AT THEIR HOUSE!  AND they know we're "together" and how the configuration works.  AND - it was OK.  It is amazing and wonderful and aweseom and and and....I cannot even describe it.

Yay us.

More later!

He said he'd fix it...and he is.

So, my last post was about the misperception of B's family about the nature of our relationship.  He said he'd fix it and he is.

His kids now know that he's dating me and is friends with Amylita and that yes, Amylita and I are "together", too.

I think they were confused for a minute, but, you know, they're kids, so I think it quickly passed.

Amylita and I are ecstatic about how things are unfolding.  I know I've said it before - but THIS is the poly we've always wanted.

This weekend Amylita is babysitting for her sister Saturday night and Sunday day.  B mentioned doing something with the kids on Saturday - and I think that's fantastic.  I think it will be good for them to see B and I together as a couple.

Life is good.  Really good!

"Can't they find you somebody?"

This was a comment made to B last night by his mother. He texted this to us while we were in Target. My knee jerk reaction was "ouch." It was like all the wind was sucked out of me and I felt my chest tighten. It was all I could do to hold my shit together and we had to leave the store before the flood of tears came. It started the second we hit the exit and I couldn't stop until about an hour after we got home.

Why was it so upsetting? There are several reasons:

I felt invalidated. I felt like I couldn't possibly be a viable option for B to date because of this perceived notion that everyone has that I'm a lesbian. This is, in part, B's fault, and I don't think it was a malicious thing, rather a way to introduce us into his life without it being terribly awkward and not realizing the repercussions it might have down the road. He told his family that Amy and I were a same sex couple - which bothered me from the start. Not because it was inaccurate or untrue; however, I feel like it set an expectation that is going to be difficult to get out from under. We talked about this several times and I worried that eventually this would happen.

I felt like this lifestyle that I've chosen was somehow wrong. I felt a little dirty. I felt like I was sneaking around. It's an uneasy feeling that is new for me. I've been actively poly for a long time (12 years, almost) and I've always been "out" about it. The people that know me and matter to me have known from the start. I mean, it's kind of difficult to explain away why I always had a girl with me and my now ex-husband. I figured that things weren't going to change anytime soon so why not just be open and honest about it from the start? Yes, I've lost friends and family due to my lifestyle choices because they couldn't wrap their heads around it or just flat out disapproved. It's been difficult in that regard; however, this is the life I choose to live every day.

I realize B has more at stake. He has children, family and friends that have only known him as married. I get that he lives in a more rural area and would probably be highly ostracized and there's a worry that it would spill over onto the kids. We all hate that it's the reality of the situation - AND - I know he's tried to deal with it the best he could. I have. Amy has.

In the last months we've made great strides with introducing Amy and I into his "real" life. I've met a co-worker and Amy and I have met more of his children. We've met his parents. Hell, we even met his ex-wife this weekend and had lunch with them and no one exploded. Even last night we had dinner with B and the Littles (the two youngest). It's been slowly building and wonderful and scary all at the same time. And then this. Reality smacking me in the face and making me acutely aware that there's the possibility that Amy and I will always be his "lesbian friends." It's like the universe said "Oh, you think things are moving forward, eh? Nope. Still a freak. Let me show you."

I think B heard me last night and for that I am thankful. Even though we have talked about it before, I think he really *heard* me. It was hard to say to him that I felt invalidated. It was hard to tell him I felt like a dirty secret. It was hard to tell him that I felt like I had to hide and didn't know what was appropriate and what wasn't. He was very sweet and reassured me that my feelings were justified and real. He assumed responsibility for his part in this situation. He said he was going to fix it. What that entails I do not know. All I know is I have to trust him and just let this go. There'll probably be more times like this for us and I've just got to grow a thicker skin. I've always been an outcast in some way or another and I realize being poly contributes to that. Most days it doesn't get to me - this one just did. Maybe if I didn't love him or our life together it wouldn't have been so devastating.

On the flip side, I have to look at it like his mom must really like us and think we know "somebody" worthy of being with him. That's a plus, right? Of course, that might change after she knows the truth. I have to have faith in the universe and in his parents that things will work out how they're supposed to. I just hope they're supposed to work out in our favor. I truly believe we've got something spectacular going on. I love him. I know he loves me.

There's another result in here, too, that involves me and Amy. She's terrified that our life is going to negatively impact my ability to have other relationships and I totally understand that fear. Our life isn't "normal". We don't fit into any category. There have been relationships I've had in the past that weren't taken seriously because it wasn't monogamous - and not just by the rest of the world, but by the actual boys I dated. They thought it was just for fun. Last night that fear reared its ugly head and that just added to the hurt.

* sigh * Sometimes being poly is hard. I just have to hold my head up and own my shit - even when it hurts.

Just sayin'

I am so in love with my loves that sometimes it makes my heart hurt - in a good way. I'm quite certain I'm the luckiest person I know.

NRE vs. ERE

NRE

New relationships bring with them a certain kind of energy.  You know, that giddy feeling that's always with you.  That excitement of getting to know someone.  The intensity of our emotions and the tenacity with which we pursue one another.  That's New Relationship Energy.

ERE

Existing relationships have a different kind of energy.  It's comforting, comfortable, easy, and while still exciting in many ways, that tingly feeling wanes a little to be replaced by what's hopefully a deep, wonderful and solid connection.  That's Existing Relationship Energy.

Both types are wonderful in their own ways.

While NRE is exciting and seems to devour us all, it also has a tendency to be somewhat fleeting.  We all "settle down" into our own comfortable dynamics eventually.  NRE makes us do silly things that we don't do in our other relationships.  There's the potential for existing relationships to suffer a little during this period because all our energy is focused on the newer relationship.
I have been lucky in that Amylita understands this.  Honestly, I do not know exactly how *I* would deal with, though.
I am finding that both of us (me and Amylita) are in this sort of NRE with B.  I don't think NRE is exclusive of friendships and I feel like that's where they are and it's really amazing to watch their friendship unfold.
I am also finding that this combined NRE is helpful to our ERE.  Mind you, the two of us have been together for nearly 12 years and we STILL get giddy and do the little things that have now become "traditions", i.e. writing little love notes, our morning rituals and the like.  I cannot deny that we have settled and become comfortable in our relationship, yet there's still a spark and for that I am thankful.
Since my relationship with B is like no other I've had with a boy I have struggled with worrying that after the NRE wears off he will find out I'm not as awesome as he originally thought.  While I get that's irrational, it is there and it is what it is. 


I wonder if I'm the only one who feels that way?

So THIS is good poly

I think I've waited my whole poly life for this experience.

Things are good.  Like good, good.  I had started to think it wasn't possible and here we are.  I've known B for nearly a year and it just keeps getting better all the way around.  Our dynamic as a couple is awesome, his dynamic with Amylita is awesome and our three person dynamic is awesome, too.

Amylita is giddy over my relationship with him and excited about hers and that's not something that has ever really happened before.  That's not to say she hasn't gotten along with previous boyfriends - yet this is different.  This is real and not just her going through the motions.  I know we're Southern and all and she can be polite - but - she doesn't have to be with B.  They are friends.  They love one another.  They are the same person with different genitalia.  It's odd and wonderful all at the same time.

This is also the first relationship I've had with a boy that posits us both as equals.  There is no him-needing-me-more-than-I-need-him or vice versa.  We can just be ourselves and it's enough.  It's ok.  I've only really had that with Amylita.  Honestly, it was really difficult to accept that at first but I think I'm getting the hang of it.

Most days my heart is so full of love that I'm sure it's going to explode - and then I contemplate how fantastic it would be to explode love all over the place.  I bet that's a mess no one would mind.

I met his family!

Well, MOST of it!  OMG!

In one week I managed to quintuple the number of people in his life I had met.  First the co-worker and now 2 more of his kids AND HIS PARENTS.

B coaches youth basketball and asked if we'd like to come to one of the games - of course we would!  It was awesome and wonderful and I was nervous but it was for nothing and, and, and....

I HUGGED HIS MOTHER!

It's real.  It's not just something to pass the time.  * squee *

It meant so much to me and Amylita.  There aren't words.

And, we get B all week this week!  * double squee *

Follow Up to Dinner with Co-worker

OMG.  It was a great time!  I was a little nervous at first, but as the night progressed it was really fun!  A couple beers didn't hurt, either.

They were precious and interesting and we had good conversation.  And - they're athiests, which is refreshing.

I do hope we see them again.

On a bigger scale, though, it was amazing to be out with B as his girlfriend.  It was nice to socialize with another couple AS a couple.  I cannot convey how much that meant to me.

Thanks, B.

And, thank you, Amylita, for being an awesome partner.  It thrills me to pieces that you get almost as excited, if not more, about my relationship with B.

I am one lucky bitch. ;)

It really bothers me when...

Someone I respect isn't honest with me.

Meeting an OSO's family, co-workers, etc.

So, B mentioned that we might have dinner with a co-worker Wednesday.

While I am so excited (like, really!) to do this, it also terrifies me!  Why? Well, here goes:

First, I am worried about my tattoos.  Not ashamed of them, mind you, just worried.  I know that while ink is pretty mainstream now some people frown upon it.  I'm more worried about this with B's parents.

Second, I'm worried about my overall appearance.  Not that I think I'm not attractive, etc., just that I know that B's ex-wife lost a lot of weight and I worry about being compared to her. 

And then there's the general worry about not being entertaining enough or funny or witty. 

These are all valid concerns, even if they're not necessarily rational.  I am just going to be me and let the chips fall where they may.

Maybe wearing a pretty new bra and panties B got me will make me feel better. * grin *

Weird Weekends...

are weird.  Sometimes not in a good way, either.

This weekend A had a friend visit.  I say he is her friend because, honestly, I don't feel like he and I are friends anymore - more like acquaintances.  Him visiting wasn't a problem initially. 

You see, a year ago she professed her love - not platonic - for him.  So, that tension is there.

Secondly, A has some issues that prevent her from having things that are exclusively for herself.

I tend to get so excited at the mere prospect of her having a "normal" relationship that I think I tend to push too hard.  That's not fair and yet, it is what it is.  Can't change that now.

Let me clarify the "normal" part.  Our life together is not "normal" - there is an issue that has been looming over us for a really long time (a decade, perhaps).  It causes stress in our relationship (which is otherwise amazing) that impacts us both negatively.  I cannot say that A isn't aware and hasn't been working on this.  She has.  I know she worries about it constantly.

The thing is - the root cause of this monster - in my opinion - is fear.

So, anyway, friend comes into town and I offer to give them time alone.  That freaks her out.  I know that she would be focused on me if I were in the same space with them and I don't want to impede her even remotely allowing herself to just be *her*.  I made plans to go out with B to dinner, which always seems to comfort her (my being with B).  Of course, that did not stop her from freaking out about being alone with friend.

That one simple thing started an avalanche that escalated into something horrific.  I am ashamed at how I handled it and have been kicking myself in the ass ever since.

How do I balance being excited and feeling sad knowing that it would probably be easier for her to be in a relationship with a boy?  I think I'd feel slighted if it *was* easier because our relationship lacks in an area.  I know that being poly means getting needs fulfilled from different places so as to not put stress on a primary partner.  I totally get that and fully believe it.  However, some things are integral to the success of a relationship and when something like that is missing - it's hard to have compersion and be happy to see that same thing that causes an issue in one relationship flourish in another.

I just need to accept that mine and A's relationship is the way it is and hope for it to change yet prepare for it to stay the same.  I need to get over feeling a little worried that her "normal" relationship with someone else would be something she preferred and I'd be replaced.  If that happened I'd certainly deal with it, right?  I mean, I would have to.  It doesn't mean I'd like it, though.

After much round and round Friday and Saturday morning I think we're at least headed in the right-ish direction.  I spent the day with friend while A had to work and it was awkward.  I made plans to go to the movies with B that night so they could have some time together again.  That was awkward, too, and he mentioned leaving and I told him that A would be upset if he left before she got off work, so he stayed til then and my understanding was he was leaving right after dinner.  I left to go to the movies and when I got out at 10:30 I called A to tell her I was on my way home and he was still there.  Like I said, he's her friend, not mine.  It was interesting that his plans changed, but that's another story for another day.  It did bother me; perhaps a little more than it should.  I was able to tell A that it bothered me without it being a huge deal, so that helped.  It didn't make it any less awkward, but it helped some.

* sigh *

Major fail weekend thus far.

Sunday was a little better.  A and I spent the day being lazy.  We stayed in bed into the early afternoon and it was wonderful.  We listened to the rain the rest of the day, played cards, crafted, listened to music - and we didn't have to talk about the horrible situation from the last two days.  It doesn't mean it's not still an issue, but at least we didn't have to continue on the downward spiral.


I did enjoy spending time with B, though.  He was supposed to be with us this week but there was a change of scheduling.  I will see him on Wednesday night and we may go out to dinner with one of his CO-WORKERS.  That's a BFD (Big Fuckin' Deal).  I hope I don't make a fool of myself.  That's a whole 'nother post.

Today is so fired.

I don't understand why people can't just own their own shit and do what they want instead of using others as an excuse to stay in the same rut.  Actively choosing even the littlest bit of unhappiness totally boggles my mind.  Making the best of a situation you have no control over is one thing, but to *actively choose* it is something altogether different.

Frustrating is an understatement.