Objectified...

So, it's no secret B and I have a D/s dynamic. I've usually identified as a dominant; however I've been having switch tendencies as of late, which works out nicely because B is exploring his dominant side, too.

Last night he returned home from a conference and I met him at the airport. It was so nice to see his face, kiss his lips, hold his hand as we walked to the car...suffice it to say, I missed him.

We'd been toying with one another all day...playful, sexy...dirty...

His flight had been delayed and I knew he was worn out from his trip. I should have just sent him on his way, but I wanted as many minutes as he could spare.

About 45 minutes later we were on our respective ways. It doesn't take rocket science to figure out how things played out, right?

Don't misunderstand, I was thrilled to see him. I just didn't expect to feel the way I did.

It's not about keeping score or being tit for tat...not at all. I don't think it was intentional. I don't feel used.

I just feel...well, I'm not exactly sure, but I know I don't like it.

The funny thing about words...

Once you say them, they're not yours anymore.

I find that when talking with B I can't not tell him how much I adore, treasure, cherish, etc. him. It's like I'm compelled to tell him...not to get a certain response, mind you. I just don't want him to ever forget.

Having said that, I'm thinking I might need to reel it in; turn my edit button back on. Not censor myself or anything, just be more selective in what I say out loud.

I don't want to make him uncomfortable or feel obligated to respond in any certain way. Also, it makes me extremely vulnerable and that's always scary.

I'll get it right one day. I'll find the balance.

Why...

Do I tell him things like that? *sigh*

Shiny wearing off?

Sometimes our brains do fucked up things to us.

For example, right now, my brain is telling me that my shiny has worn off with B.  I'm not entirely certain that's true, mind you, it's just where my brain is taking me.

I know that D/s is an important part of our relationship - not the end all, be all, of course, but I have to acknowledge that it is important.

I feel like I'm failing him in that department.

I don't believe anyone can carry on that dynamic 24/7 and, quite honestly, I know that I am not capable of that.  I don't want an automaton or someone who is always agreeable with me.  I like challenges.  I like different perspectives on everything.  I like hearing other opinions.  I mean, at the end of the day we're still people, right?

So, how do I "make him feel it" when we do have a D/s encounter?

We've talked about it and I think I at least have a starting point.  I know being spontaneous is alluring; however, when time is limited I think it would be better if we actually planned our D/s scenes - not down to the activities, but "This time is set aside for this."

B has assured me that D/s isn't the only part of our relationship and I do believe that.  I also *know* that it is something we both want.

I have to figure this out.  I don't want our mundane lives to take over and put us in a rut.  I don't want to be work for him. 

*sigh*  I'm sure I'm probably making it bigger than it is, yet, at the same time, I cannot ignore it.

And, on top of that I'm a little worried about the whole leaving marks thing.  We've discussed it, I've heard the limitations and it's definitely something I can live with; however, I'm acutely aware that some marks are *not* ok and I don't ever want to cross that line again.  I feel awful that I crossed it in the first place.  I feel responsible for the ripples it caused.  In all fairness, I didn't know that line was there so I can't beat myself up too much about it.  At the same time, though, I just feel like I should have known somehow it wasn't ok.  I'm not psychic, but I'm workin' on it.

B's going out of town for a few days for a conference.  Maybe this time apart will prove to be a Good Thing for both of us.

Taking it as it comes...

The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. ~Rumi

Smoking cigars and drinking bourbon.

The Breeze

Are you moving much too fast?
And the good times that just don't last
If you're always on the go
Make an angel in the snow...and freeze.

Do you feel like you're stuck in time?
Forever waiting on that line
If nothing ever moves
Put that needle to the groove...and sing.

Is it a dream keeping you awake?
Is it the stillness that makes you shake?
If you need to know for sure
What's on the ocean floor...just sink.

Do you like things the way they seem?
Or are you looking behind the scenes?
Well, if you gotta know
What it takes to make it so...just believe.

Are there dark parts to your mind?
Hidden secrets left behind?
Where no one ever goes
When everybody knows...it's alright.

Do you get dizzy on the ground?
There must be something going 'round
What blows us here today
It'll blow us all away

The breeze will blow us all away...

Dr. Dog

Marks

So, last night I spent a wonderful evening with B.  Every now and again he has to spend the night in Huntsville for work, so I have been trying to coordinate meeting up with him there.  It's only about an hour and a half drive, so it's not inconvenient.  Besides, his time is limited and, of course, I want to spend as much time with him as possible.

We hotel hopped - and it was totally sweet.  The first hotel he booked he didn't like (but told me had I not been with him he would have stayed).  The second hotel was sold out, yet he could book a room online?  Third time was a winner.  We checked in and on our way to the room we passed by a sports bar and I eyed a pool table.  We had a few drinks, shot some pool, retired to our room and had a blast.  The last thing I remember is being cuddled up together.

I woke up around 1:45 with a slight headache and that familiar feel of dehydration.  I downed some water and a handful of crackers and roused B to see if he wanted anything.  We snuggled up again and I couldn't help but planting kisses on his neck and he essentially said something along the lines of "no marks."

Now, I like to leave my mark and wear my lover's mark(s).  I have always been that way.  It's not any place in particular, just something to remind me (and hopefully them) of time spent together.

A couple weeks ago we went away for the weekend and both got a little carried away.  I sent him home with a mark on each side of his neck and it went over like a lead zeppelin.  I felt bad because it seemed to get him in trouble.  I really wasn't surprised when he said no marks.  Of course, I had to stop because I didn't trust myself not to accidentally leave some trace that I had been there and I get that it's not cool.

I just didn't expect to feel a little hesitant at leaving marks elsewhere.  I am having a little anxiety about it because I am afraid I will cross a line inadvertently and it will put him an awkward position again.

Part of me wonders if our relationship will ever be "ok" as far as other people are concerned.  It seems like the only people who are truly ok with it are me, him and WW.  It's not that I need other people to recognize and validate my relationship with him - not at all.  I just hate that it puts him in awkward positions.

Speaking of awkward positions...

This is my friend, Deedra

This morning B and I went to breakfast - to a special place - a place where he had breakfast on the regular with his grandfather.

We walk in, get a table, sit down:

B:     "My CEO is in here."

Me:   "OK"

B:     "No, my CEO is. in. here."

Me:   "OK"

Guy walks up to the table, pleasantries exchanged:

B:     "This is my friend, Deedra."

*shake hands*

Conversation about work stuff ensues, ends, CEO walks off.

No big deal, right?

I get a text later saying that B appreciates my being understanding at breakfast, that it's not how it should be, etc.

How do I tell him that I know sometimes we have to be just two friends having breakfast and it's ok? 

I hate the word "secret."  It implies something wrong.  I don't want to think of my relationship with B as being wrong, even though I get that a lot of people would think so.  I also get that, for the most part, he has to keep his relationship with me hidden - not out of being ashamed or anything, just out of necessity.  His life is much different than mine.  He has a wife, children, colleagues, family, etc.  He's constructed his life to be a certain way and he has to keep that up, you know? 

I know he hates having to keep secrets from people.  I know he laments having to hide part of his life.  I know this.  And for right now, just knowing that is enough for me to be ok with it.  Of course, I can't say that I'll always be ok with it, but for right now it's ok and something I've learned is that we have to live in the present, so it's hard to look beyond right now.

All I know to do is love him to the best of my ability - and that's what I'm trying to do.

Phew...

In MUCH better spirits since my last post.

The Boy (hereinafter "B") seems to be in a better headspace, too.

Wonder Wife (hereinafter "WW") has been so supportive of us both and that means a great deal.

I love how the universe shows me (sometimes repeatedly) that I am on the right path.  I love my life...even the dark times.

Asking for what we need

Sometimes it's difficult to ask for the things we want or need, especially when it's something for ourselves.  We're taught it's selfish.  Sometimes we don't know how to *ask* and it ends up coming out as a *demand*- and that sets everyone on edge.

In particular, right now, I'm talking about "alone time."  We all need alone time to some varying degree.  True, some people need more than others, some need less; however, it's still something we need.

A little background:

B has had a rough couple of days and I think he hasn't been able/known how to ask for alone time to sort things out.  I suppose there may have been subtle hints; however, the thing is - I am not psychic.  So, what has ended up happening is that it's a jumbled mess.  He retreats, I think that it has to do with me (just like I'm sure others may have thought it had something to do with them), miscommunications happen, feelings get hurt, people end up confused, worried and so on.  Not good things, right?  Right.

My first instinct is to talk about it because I don't know what's going on.  I felt pushed away.  I felt like I had done something wrong and was being punished for it.  I felt like the fact that I was even in his life was problematic for myriad reasons.  I think it's human nature to internalize things when we don't know what's going on.  And that's what I did - and I haven't been the nicest person to myself as a result - mentally or physically.

Last night he said he doesn't think I know the real him followed up by saying something along the lines of "not that what I've shown you has been fake."  This calls the whole of our relationship into question in my mind.  The opposite of real IS fake.  "Not knowing the real him" makes me feel like an idiot.  I'm perceptive.  I'm observant.  I pay attention.  I *listen*.  And I felt like somehow I failed him; somehow I missed some arbitrary clue or piece of his puzzle.  That, my friends, is a very uneasy feeling.

I tried to explain to him that this is a journey.  I didn't expect to know everything about him in the short time we've been interacting.  I love what I know of him and trust what I don't yet know - even the ugly parts that he doesn't want anyone to see.  I love those, too.  Without the dark we wouldn't know the light, without the bad we wouldn't recognize the good, and without lies we wouldn't know the truth, etc.  It's that duality that makes us human. 

We talked for a bit on the phone.  I cried.  I hate it when I cry.  I know it makes me seem weak.  I just couldn't understand where this was coming from.  It scares me because I've bared my soul to him.  I've shown him ugly parts of myself.  I've confided my "secrets."  I've made myself vulnerable to criticism, scrutiny, judgment and that in and of itself is terrifying.  I want him to know the whole of me; even the scary, dark parts I am ashamed of.  It's me.  It's who I am.  If he can say he loves me at all then he deserves to see ALL of me.  I have trusted him enough to put it all out there even knowing that it could be too much for him, too overwhelming, too much work, too much *whatever*.  He says it's easy for him to write people off and I have been terrified that there'd be something about me that'd set those wheels into motion, yet I feel like it'd be disingenuous of me to try to fit into the mold I think is right.  I took that risk.  I still take that risk as we continue on this path together.  I am confident in the love he has for me *right now*.

Essentially - he wants to be left alone.  All he has to do is ask for it and he's got it.  Maybe that's new to him.  Maybe he doesn't believe it can be that easy.  Who knows?  I just know that he's been struggling and I want to help him in any way possible - even if it's "leaving him alone."  So, this is me leaving him alone.

When you've done everything you can do - just be still.

If you need me - I'll be over here studying stones.