Sometimes it's difficult to ask for the things we want or need, especially when it's something for ourselves. We're taught it's selfish. Sometimes we don't know how to *ask* and it ends up coming out as a *demand*- and that sets everyone on edge.
In particular, right now, I'm talking about "alone time." We all need alone time to some varying degree. True, some people need more than others, some need less; however, it's still something we need.
A little background:
B has had a rough couple of days and I think he hasn't been able/known how to ask for alone time to sort things out. I suppose there may have been subtle hints; however, the thing is - I am not psychic. So, what has ended up happening is that it's a jumbled mess. He retreats, I think that it has to do with me (just like I'm sure others may have thought it had something to do with them), miscommunications happen, feelings get hurt, people end up confused, worried and so on. Not good things, right? Right.
My first instinct is to talk about it because I don't know what's going on. I felt pushed away. I felt like I had done something wrong and was being punished for it. I felt like the fact that I was even in his life was problematic for myriad reasons. I think it's human nature to internalize things when we don't know what's going on. And that's what I did - and I haven't been the nicest person to myself as a result - mentally or physically.
Last night he said he doesn't think I know the real him followed up by saying something along the lines of "not that what I've shown you has been fake." This calls the whole of our relationship into question in my mind. The opposite of real IS fake. "Not knowing the real him" makes me feel like an idiot. I'm perceptive. I'm observant. I pay attention. I *listen*. And I felt like somehow I failed him; somehow I missed some arbitrary clue or piece of his puzzle. That, my friends, is a very uneasy feeling.
I tried to explain to him that this is a journey. I didn't expect to know everything about him in the short time we've been interacting. I love what I know of him and trust what I don't yet know - even the ugly parts that he doesn't want anyone to see. I love those, too. Without the dark we wouldn't know the light, without the bad we wouldn't recognize the good, and without lies we wouldn't know the truth, etc. It's that duality that makes us human.
We talked for a bit on the phone. I cried. I hate it when I cry. I know it makes me seem weak. I just couldn't understand where this was coming from. It scares me because I've bared my soul to him. I've shown him ugly parts of myself. I've confided my "secrets." I've made myself vulnerable to criticism, scrutiny, judgment and that in and of itself is terrifying. I want him to know the whole of me; even the scary, dark parts I am ashamed of. It's me. It's who I am. If he can say he loves me at all then he deserves to see ALL of me. I have trusted him enough to put it all out there even knowing that it could be too much for him, too overwhelming, too much work, too much *whatever*. He says it's easy for him to write people off and I have been terrified that there'd be something about me that'd set those wheels into motion, yet I feel like it'd be disingenuous of me to try to fit into the mold I think is right. I took that risk. I still take that risk as we continue on this path together. I am confident in the love he has for me *right now*.
Essentially - he wants to be left alone. All he has to do is ask for it and he's got it. Maybe that's new to him. Maybe he doesn't believe it can be that easy. Who knows? I just know that he's been struggling and I want to help him in any way possible - even if it's "leaving him alone." So, this is me leaving him alone.
When you've done everything you can do - just be still.
If you need me - I'll be over here studying stones.
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