Out with the old

So, A and I are pagans.  Halloween (Samhain) is our New Year.  It's also the time when the veil between the worlds is thinnest.  We gather to honor our loved ones who have passed on and to turn with the Wheel of the Year.

We also rid ourselves of things we do not need to carry into the new year.

I've blogged about the ex (N).  I've lamented the demise of our relationship.  I've gone through the painful process of trying to be his friend.  I've been angry.  I've been sad.  I've been disappointed.  I've been ambivalent.  I'm been indifferent.  I've missed him.  I've been glad he was gone.  Obviously it's been a rollercoaster of emotions.

A few weeks ago after not hearing from him for two weeks or so - even when I contacted him and he wouldn't reply - I finally had to let it go.  Actively let it go.  Purposefully let it go.  I felt like I was putting myself in the position to be disappointed.  I was putting myself in the position to experience hurt and anguish and sadness and a whole host of feelings I didn't want or, more importantly, need.

It was so hard to cut that cord.  I try to mentally cut cords every morning with the belief that those connections that needed to be there would grow back.  Even though I felt like I was cutting it with him - I honestly don't think I ever did becuase I didn't want to.  I didn't want to lose that connection.  I didn't want to be angry and bitter and jaded about our breakup.  I truly wanted to be his friend because I know he needs them.  His alcoholism has ruined his relationships with friends, family, etc.  I didn't want to be another failed relationship.  I wanted to maintain our friendship - because we WERE friends.  I miss my friend.  I don't miss the chaos of our romantic relationship, but I miss our friendship.

Then it occurred to me that he doesn't know what "friendship" means.  I think it's because he's never had a true friend that would stick by him through thick and thin.  A friend that would call him on his bullshit.  A friend that loved him even when he was being a shit.  A friend that tried to show him life didn't have to suck.

The thing is, though, that's a two way street.  I think I got tired of it only going one way unless he needed something.  Hell - I sent him FOOD when he was hungry because I couldn't send money - he'd just drink it away.

At any rate, I couldn't continue that cycle of being his fair weather friend.  I am worthy of and deserve better than that.  So, I told him goodbye.  I told him good luck.  I mailed him one of the last connections to him that I had. 

Tonight at our Samhain ritual I am purging myself of taking on his addiction.  A found the AA book of meetings for our area for 2011 - when we were together.  It will be thrown in the fire tonight and I will let go of the pain and pity I have felt because of him.

Good luck, N.  You're going to need it.  I'm sorry I had to close that door - yet I had to - for both of us.

Scheduling

So, B and his wife have worked out a schedule where they alternate weeks with the kids.  This seems to be working so far, even though it's only a few weeks in. 

The upside is that we get more time together, i.e. we were able to go out of town for the better part of a week and he gets to spend a couple nights every other week at our house.  This week - we get him for 4 nights.  I am thrilled to death that things are working out this way.  I know that some off weeks for him he'll be spending more time in HSV for work, but overall it feels like things are evening out timewise.

A and I are giddy that every other week we get him for a couple nights.  It feels like family.  It's quality time together.  It's just *nice* to come home to one another and know that we can go to sleep and wake up together.  I'm so thankful that he chooses to spend some of that time with me.  After all, there are other places he could go.  I'm glad he feels at home at our house.

This strikes a good balance, I think.  We all get to spend time together and I get to spend time alone with each of them.  For now - it seems like a regular schedule and I know that it could change, but that's ok.  :)

Happy Monday!

And it is!

Today I am thankful for these things:

1.  Love.

Love heals.  Love bridges gaps.  Love spans miles and time.  I am lucky to have an abundance of love in my life.  Not just romantic love, mind you.  Familial love.  Platonic love. 

This weekend I had the pleasure of having both loves at a Halloween fundraiser.  It was awesome to have them there with me!  The costumes were great, it was a smallish crowd (@100 people).  Everything went smoothly (we were on the hosting committee).  Afterwards we all piled up in bed and talked, laughed, snuggled and drifted off to sleep all tangled up together.  It was heavenly.

Sunday we had Coven over to celebrate one of our members' birthday.  It was wonderful to have them all in our home.  We should have Esbats at our house more often.

Also, B sent the birthday girl a text and it made her day!

Speaking of B - we get him three nights this week! :)   And, I'm happy to report that things between he and A are much better.  He read my post about it and I've talked with A and things are on the right path!  * squee *

2.  Health

I haven't been feeling so hot lately - just headache/nausea.  I'm sure it's the weather change.  I've been a little bitter about it, though, and got a healthy dose of perspective.

My mother is dealing with some conflicting meds that are making her dizzy/drunk and as a result she's fallen like 5 times in the last couple weeks.  This is particularly troublesome since she has osteoporosis and lives alone.  She refuses to wear her medalert thingee, too. 

She's scaled back on some of the heavy duty meds until we can get her evaluated by an independent physician.  That seems to be helping, but we still need to figure out what her meds/med schedule needs to be to prevent the dizziness.

Also, last night B's father was admitted to the hospital for some testing that thankfully came out all clear.  He's still in the hospital with the hopes to get his infection under control.

3.  Having a job

The last couple weeks have been trying at work.  I think we've hashed some things out, so I'm thankful to still have a job. Haha!

That is all - for now.

Some of the things...

That mean *something* to us may be silly and arbitrary to others, yet they still mean something.

Meh.

Not feeling so hot today.  Had a headache since yesterday.  I blame the weather.

In other news - B spent two nights with us last week.  We all piled up in bed and snuggled and played cards and laughed and geeked out.  It was really awesome spending time together the three of us. :)

A's doing much, much better since her meds have been adjusted.  I am so thankful for that.  We're in a pretty good place right now. :)

I'm becoming much more aware of just what an integral part of my life and our lives B is.  That does scare me a little.  I have abandonment issues.  The ones we love have the ability to hurt us the most.  It's not that I walk around guarded.  In fact, it's the opposite.  I am a jump in with both feet kinda girl.  (As an aside, I find it amusing that B told me I was "cautious".)  I love fiercely and seemingly fearlessly; however, on the inside I have my moments.  It's not that I'm afraid of loving.  It's not that I'm afraid of being loved.  I'm afraid of it ending.  I'm afraid of not being good enough or worth the work that relationships take.  I would really like for this not to govern my actions, but, unfortunately sometimes it does.  I try to catch myself and stop the loop that plays in my head.  Most of the time I am successful.

Anyway, after spending time with him I miss him more.  I want him more.  I want to be near him more.  It's not that I want more FROM him.  He's amazing and wonderful and treats me well - just like A does.    I just...miss him when he's not there.  I miss either of my loves when they're not there.  I like to think that's a good thing.

Change is inevitible, right?

So, B has two phone calls with potential new employers this weekend.  One in Atlanta and the other is really far away.

He's scared.  It'd be a big change for him.

I'm scared.  It'd be hard to let him go.

I've tried long distance relationships before and they just don't seem to work for me.  * sigh *

My first instinct is flight.  Rational or irrational, it is what it is.  I don't want to be surprised.  I don't want to have to endure the torturous countdown until he leaves. 

Of course, it could be a moot point, right?  I mean, he's got a lot of things to consider, i.e. his children and how that would impact them, his ex wife and how that would work out with the kids, etc.

Also, I cannot tell him that if he had to move that might mean our romantic relationship would end.  That's selfish and not fair.  I WANT him to be happy and fulfilled in his job.  I WANT him to do what's best for his family.  The thing is - I'm not part of his family and therefore I feel like I don't have any say in this whatsoever.  (And that's how it should be.)

Patience, grasshopper.

The waiting is the hardest part.

Fuck.

p.s.  The Atlanta gig would allow him to work mostly from home.  The other interview rubbed him the wrong way.  While it's not even remotely a possibility that he'd move anytime soon - it's still something I needed to ponder and get out of my head.  I'm a worrier.  What can I say?  * sigh *

p.p.s.  Just got word from B that it fell through because they want someone inhouse.  I hate that for him.  I know he was excited about the prospect.  Meh.

Tucking Her Away

I've mentioned before my interest in BDSM.  I do consider myself "practicing"; however, I have come to a fork in the road.

See, I thought B was interested in it, too.  I thought we could explore it together (and we have done some exploring).  It has come to my attention that he's not really into it, well, most aspects of it.

I have put my foot in my mouth about it on more than one occasion and I fear it's made him uncomfortable and I know it's made me feel like an idiot.  I mean, really, who wants to be in the awkward position of saying "You know, I'm really not into that." and who wants to be in the position to hear that?

So, the only thing I know to do is tuck Her away.  For years I had put Her in a little box and didn't dare let Her out.  I don't want to risk imposing my kink on B ever again, and, while it might sound a little drastic, making that part of myself go away ensures that I won't make the same mistake(s).

I'm mildly concerned about the impact it's going to have on our sexual interactions.  Right now I feel extremely guarded and unsure of what is and isn't appropriate.  I've been replaying almost every interaction we have had and wondering if my behavior was offputting or not.  That contemplation is scary. 

I like to think I'm good at vanilla relationships.  I just think it's going to take a minute to transition from my current mindset.  Hopefully B will be patient with me while I figure it out.  If not...well, it will be what it will be.

Am I sad?  Yes.  I feel like a fool.  I was operating under different information.  Regardless of "fault", feelings are still feelings and they're not right or wrong.  I feel horrible at the prospect that I potentially forced things on him that he didn't want.  I am embarrassed.  I feel almost like the butt of a joke. 

Am I angry?  No.  We like what we like and we don't like what we don't like.  I just feel like I'm not on stable ground right now.  I don't know what's OK and what's not OK.  All I know to do is try to completely erase that from my relationship repertoire with B.  I don't know what that means for us, honestly.  I don't want to be inhibited, yet I'm afraid that's what will happen.

My ex husband forced me to give Her up.  B's not forcing me to do anything.  I just feel like that's my best option.  Self preservation and all.

The toys have been removed.  I find that if I can do a physical act I can correlate it in my brain. 

I bid you adieu, Ma'am.  Perhaps we will meet again.

Interrelational Dynamics

So, it dawned on me that I've been seeing B for about 8 months now.  The time has flown by and at the same time I feel like we've lived a lifetime in those short months.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the relationship A and B have.  It feels a little artificial to me (and maybe "artificial" isn't the right term).  It seems like they are both still worried about stepping on one another's toes that it stifles their relationship dynamic.

When I talk to A about it she's all "it's whatever level B's comfortable with."  The hitch there is that she doesn't *know* what B's comfort level is because they haven't talked about it.  I know B wants to be friends with her.  I know he doesn't want to make her uncomfortable, either.

So, the result is that this issue is making *me* uncomfortable.  I have tried to encourage A to reach out to B and try to be friends with him - like *real* friends.  I don't want to be the middle man.  I don't want to be the tie that binds.  I want them to be friends in their own rights.  Independent of me.

Why do I think A should reach out to B?  Well, in all honesty I think that it might be harder for B since he entered into mine and A's already established relationship.

It just hurts my heart that they both still have a level of awkwardness between them.  I am not trying to force a relationship there.  I just don't think it has to be as awkward as it is.

Of course, after talking with A about it - apparently it's my fault that she doesn't know what's "appropriate". 

Will there ever be a day when everything can just be OK?  A day where I don't have to explain away the awkwardness, a day where I don't have to be the middle man or the mediator or the glue, a day where I can just be with my loves and be able to breathe without having to worry and they can just be themselves, too.

I'm beginning to think that I am the only one who even cares about it and that makes me more sad. A thinks everything's fine.  B thinks A is just weird like that.  Sometimes I just want to run away from all of it and be by myself.

I feel like I have to do it all and they don't realize it's running me into the ground.

Do other poly people have these issues?  Surely they do, right?