Out with the old

So, A and I are pagans.  Halloween (Samhain) is our New Year.  It's also the time when the veil between the worlds is thinnest.  We gather to honor our loved ones who have passed on and to turn with the Wheel of the Year.

We also rid ourselves of things we do not need to carry into the new year.

I've blogged about the ex (N).  I've lamented the demise of our relationship.  I've gone through the painful process of trying to be his friend.  I've been angry.  I've been sad.  I've been disappointed.  I've been ambivalent.  I'm been indifferent.  I've missed him.  I've been glad he was gone.  Obviously it's been a rollercoaster of emotions.

A few weeks ago after not hearing from him for two weeks or so - even when I contacted him and he wouldn't reply - I finally had to let it go.  Actively let it go.  Purposefully let it go.  I felt like I was putting myself in the position to be disappointed.  I was putting myself in the position to experience hurt and anguish and sadness and a whole host of feelings I didn't want or, more importantly, need.

It was so hard to cut that cord.  I try to mentally cut cords every morning with the belief that those connections that needed to be there would grow back.  Even though I felt like I was cutting it with him - I honestly don't think I ever did becuase I didn't want to.  I didn't want to lose that connection.  I didn't want to be angry and bitter and jaded about our breakup.  I truly wanted to be his friend because I know he needs them.  His alcoholism has ruined his relationships with friends, family, etc.  I didn't want to be another failed relationship.  I wanted to maintain our friendship - because we WERE friends.  I miss my friend.  I don't miss the chaos of our romantic relationship, but I miss our friendship.

Then it occurred to me that he doesn't know what "friendship" means.  I think it's because he's never had a true friend that would stick by him through thick and thin.  A friend that would call him on his bullshit.  A friend that loved him even when he was being a shit.  A friend that tried to show him life didn't have to suck.

The thing is, though, that's a two way street.  I think I got tired of it only going one way unless he needed something.  Hell - I sent him FOOD when he was hungry because I couldn't send money - he'd just drink it away.

At any rate, I couldn't continue that cycle of being his fair weather friend.  I am worthy of and deserve better than that.  So, I told him goodbye.  I told him good luck.  I mailed him one of the last connections to him that I had. 

Tonight at our Samhain ritual I am purging myself of taking on his addiction.  A found the AA book of meetings for our area for 2011 - when we were together.  It will be thrown in the fire tonight and I will let go of the pain and pity I have felt because of him.

Good luck, N.  You're going to need it.  I'm sorry I had to close that door - yet I had to - for both of us.