Tucking Her Away

I've mentioned before my interest in BDSM.  I do consider myself "practicing"; however, I have come to a fork in the road.

See, I thought B was interested in it, too.  I thought we could explore it together (and we have done some exploring).  It has come to my attention that he's not really into it, well, most aspects of it.

I have put my foot in my mouth about it on more than one occasion and I fear it's made him uncomfortable and I know it's made me feel like an idiot.  I mean, really, who wants to be in the awkward position of saying "You know, I'm really not into that." and who wants to be in the position to hear that?

So, the only thing I know to do is tuck Her away.  For years I had put Her in a little box and didn't dare let Her out.  I don't want to risk imposing my kink on B ever again, and, while it might sound a little drastic, making that part of myself go away ensures that I won't make the same mistake(s).

I'm mildly concerned about the impact it's going to have on our sexual interactions.  Right now I feel extremely guarded and unsure of what is and isn't appropriate.  I've been replaying almost every interaction we have had and wondering if my behavior was offputting or not.  That contemplation is scary. 

I like to think I'm good at vanilla relationships.  I just think it's going to take a minute to transition from my current mindset.  Hopefully B will be patient with me while I figure it out.  If not...well, it will be what it will be.

Am I sad?  Yes.  I feel like a fool.  I was operating under different information.  Regardless of "fault", feelings are still feelings and they're not right or wrong.  I feel horrible at the prospect that I potentially forced things on him that he didn't want.  I am embarrassed.  I feel almost like the butt of a joke. 

Am I angry?  No.  We like what we like and we don't like what we don't like.  I just feel like I'm not on stable ground right now.  I don't know what's OK and what's not OK.  All I know to do is try to completely erase that from my relationship repertoire with B.  I don't know what that means for us, honestly.  I don't want to be inhibited, yet I'm afraid that's what will happen.

My ex husband forced me to give Her up.  B's not forcing me to do anything.  I just feel like that's my best option.  Self preservation and all.

The toys have been removed.  I find that if I can do a physical act I can correlate it in my brain. 

I bid you adieu, Ma'am.  Perhaps we will meet again.