Great concert!

So, B's favorite band (or at least one of them) is Pearl Jam. 

A few months ago when my mother was in her car wreck we were driving back from Athens, GA and he mentioned that they were going to be at Music Midtown in Atlanta.  I asked if he'd like to go and of course he said yes.  So, that's what we did.  A loves to help me plan things like this - so she was all over it.  Booked the hotel and got the tickets and then all we had to do was wait for the date.

It seemed like an eternity and then it was only a week away, then only a few days away and then OMG!  It's here!

B was SO EXCITED.  I cannot tell you how awesome and wonderful it was to just see him like that, let alone be WITH him.  He was jumping around and singing his heart out and the crowd was so energized - it was just an all around amazing time with him.  My favorite part was seeing him so excited.  I mean, I like Pearl Jam and all, don't get me wrong.  I am just not as passionate as he is about them.  I didn't realize he'd never seen them in concert before and that just made it extra special.  Doing that for him made me feel all warm and fuzzy.

I am so thankful for him.  He is so good to me.

I have an issue with large crowds of drunk people.  It causes me some anxiety.  Throughout the show B was checking in with me, asking me if I was ok, standing behind me and making sure I knew he was there.  I am happy to report that in a sea of 50,000 people it was almost as if he and I were the only ones there.

I am so thankful for A.  She is also so very good to me.  It was so nice to be able to chat with her and tell her how much fun we were having and her be excited for us.  She has no idea how special that is to me.  I enjoyed chatting with her Sunday morning while B slept.  I enjoyed texting with her at random times while we were gone.  I enjoyed being able to call her up and just hold the phone out so she could hear the show.  I just love her.  Simply put.

So, it was a great weekend, to say the least.

In 8 DAYS B and I head off to a cabin for a few days.  It's going to be similarly awesome!  I am bummed that A cannot go as this was originally planned a trip for the three of us to Vegas.  Boo.

What you thought was a hurricane...

...was just the rushing of the wind.

Wheeeeeeeeee.  It's been a rollercoaster of emotions lately.

A while back the three of us decided to take a trip to Vegas for a wedding.  Unfortunately, A's work schedule kinda put that on the skids.

So, I asked B if he'd still like to go somewhere since we'd already asked for the time off.  He said sure.

We have rented a cabin in the mountains for three nights and I'm really excited that we can go have that time together.  And, I feel bad because A cannot go.  I know she is envious (not jealous, mind you) and I hate it.  It's difficult to be excited and bummed at the same time.

She's reassured me that yes, while she is envious - it doesn't mean she's not supportive and excited for us to be able to get away for a few consecutive days (something B and I don't have often).  It's hard to trust that given that most people don't really mean what they say.  I just have to trust her that she's being honest with me about her feelings.

We will definitely take a three person trip SOON.  It may have to be after the holidays, though.

Sometimes navigating multiple relationship dynamics is hard, but I am so grateful to have both my loves in my life.

One More Saturday Night

I know life is filled with miscommunications galore, yet I always hate when it happens to me, especially with something I've said.

B had a trying week with the in-laws.  Like they were harassing him and his family wanting to know what was going on.  Evidently someone in their lives has been feeding the in-laws information about what's going on between he and his wife.  * sigh *  Why can't people just mind their own business.  When it's time for people to know - they'll know.  Ideally.

I didn't see B on Friday.  Saturday he texted me and said he was restless and wanted to go out and do something.  I threw out a handful of options - including going out somewhere.  A and I aren't huge going out types when we're together.  It's one of those instances where it's not fun to go out if you're not going to enjoy it and going out with someone who enjoys it is a much happier experience.  B likes to go out and I am afraid I conveyed something incorrectly to him.  He knows we're not huge going out types; however, I think I inadequately conveyed that I didn't like going out *period*.  A lot of that stems from the fact that Amy and I aren't drinkers - like we used to not drink * at all*.  In the last few months, though, we've been revisiting that and have nightly beers and the like.  Going out isn't all that scary when you can actually fit in.  A and I have been out several times in the last few months and had a good time together.

So, he was going out.  I got pissy because I felt like I wasn't welcomed or included.  I was a little passive aggressive and in hindsight that is something I am going to have to deal with.  I did apologize.  I felt like he didn't go out because I had a little episode and that bothers me more than anything.  I want him to live his life and do what he wants to do and be happy.  I know he wants the same for me.

A little later we did get that part ironed out.  I explained to him that while it may not be mine and A's thing that doesn't mean it couldn't be mine and B's thing.  He enjoys going out.  I enjoy spending time with him *regardless* - just like I do with A. 

He said he was lonely and wanted to be reckless.  I am not quite sure what reckless means in this situation, but I feel terribly boring.  I know I'm boring and I'm ok with it.  I just wish I was more "vibrant" - I suppose.  That may not even be the right word for it.

At any rate, though, I have an opportunity this weekend to cut loose and show him I'm not a stick in the mud.  Maybe I can adequately convey that.

Last night...

B was able to spend the night and I always treasure those times.  Well, I treasure any time I spend with him.  I especially like the time the three of us spend together.  We had dinner and played cards and laughed and just had a generally good time.

A went to bed and B and I stayed up a little after.  I don't know how or why this is, but there's no plan when we're together as far as sex goes, yet we find ourselves in sexual situations.  Last night, though, it wasn't sexual at all, but it was so erotic.

It's no secret that I am a sadist.  I'm also a little masochistic, but that's another story for another day.

I was commenting to B that I thought he needed a good whippin' and asked if I could get out the flogger(s).  He obliged me and I gingerly retrieved a leather one first.  He says it's relaxing.  I started out slow and light just so he could get a feel for the leather and then it was on.  Harder and harder alternating between those and slow, light strokes and then again with the harder.  I like the element of surprise.  I like when that guard is let down and then I can snap them back to the present.

B has bouts of inappropriate laughter.  It's almost as if he's taunting me to give him more.  So, I went and got one that has little rubber tendrels, almost like spaghetti.  It packs quite a sting.  Again with the slow and light and then harder....and harder. 

Occasionally he'd flinch, arch his back, flail his hands a little and start cussing.  And then he was deathly quiet.  When I felt like it was done I stopped and enveloped him in my arms and held him.  We moved to the sofa and snuggled up.  I stroked his hair and told him how good he was and how very much I loved him.

I think that was the first time I've taken him to that place. 

More, please.

Well, aren't I chatty today?

So, another development has to do with N, a/k/a "The Boy".

He left in January of this year and it was a really hard thing for me to deal with.  Of course, I shouldn't be surprised.  I have this odd way of subconsciously seeking out boys who need me more than I need them due to an abandonment complex.  And you know what usually ends up happening?  THEY LEAVE.

This one hit me hard, though.  He was family.  We had family portraits made - the three of us.  We've never done that before.  He showed himself to be an alcoholic and we tried to help him and support him.  It was just a lot of emotional and physical investment and then it all went to shit because he was a coward.  Still, though, it took a lot out of me.

I've tried being friends with him, but I think it's been to my own detriment.  I feel pity for him.  I love him and yet when I talk to him I hang up and I know he feels better because he knows someone loves him and I feel worse because it just hits home the reality that his life isn't going to be happy unless he does something about his addiction.

We go through this cycle - we talk a lot for a few weeks or so and then he stops returning my texts.  I used to flip out when he'd do that and I tried to rationalize that it was because I was worried about him - like genuine worry.  I don't know that's entirely true, though.  I guess I thought that it was my only connection to him - through words.

He's visited a few times since he left and they've been good visits.  It's been nice to see my friend again.  Spending time together just being friends.  It's always bittersweet, though.  I know he has to leave and go back to the life he's created.  * sigh *

Recently, though, and this is a good thing in my opinion, I think I've finally learned to just let it go.  Let it be organic.  If he doesn't want to talk to me - that has to be ok and I don't have to obsess about *why* he's not talking to me.  He doesn't like to talk to me when he's drinking, so I know that is part of it, but other than that I just have to let it go.  I cannot make someone a priority in my life if I'm not a priority in theirs.  Not anymore.  It hurts too much to be genuine and real and raw and have someone throw it in your face.

So, he went to Hawaii on August 13 for 3 weeks.  I didn't talk to him while he was there save for one time on the phone and that was when I was freaking out about A possibly having Lupus.  He said he'd call and he didn't.  I didn't text while he was gone because I wanted to a) let him have a good time on vacation and b) ween myself off frequent contact with him.  And it was finally ok.  I didn't worry and the times I did think about it - well, the bittersweetness and disappointment was fleeting.

He got back a week or so ago and I DID text him and say that I hoped he had fun and had a safe flight home.  No answer.  That was fine.

We got the news that A doesn't have Lupus (YAY!) and I texted him with that news.  He immediately responded and we shot the shit for a few lines and then I was like "Well, take care...." and it was funny to see him back pedal.  He was all "don't turn your back on me" and shit.  I explained that I knew he was busy, etc.  So then he calls me.  We talk for a bit and I got upset and started crying and I couldn't hide it.  It makes me so sad to contemplate what life has in store for him on his present course.  My father was an alcoholic and killed himself and I cannot tell you how many times N has said similar things.

This time, though, it was different.  I was crying because I was relieved at finally being able to see it exactly for what it is and stop holding on to the person I want him to be.  The person I thought he was.  The person I know HE wants to be. 

Then - the oddest thing happened.  He asked after B.  He asked if he was treating me well.  I never felt so shitty answering "yes" to that question as I did in that moment.  All things considered, my life is pretty fucking awesome.  I mean, yeah, I have my ups and downs like everyone else, but it's not a constant, daily struggle to just be ok.  I could tell it bothered N to hear it - not like angry bothered, but just kinda sounded bummed.  And then he told me he was so lonely, that he missed me and A so much, and I cried some more.  It's funny, just when I think I've run out of tears for him there's always more.

He's been pretty communicative over the last day or so, but I don't think that will last long.  I think I am finally in that place where it'll be ok regardless.

He says he is moving to Hawaii in December and I hope he does.  I hope he finds *something* or *somewhere* that makes him happy, even though I know it's not possible until he can be happy with himself.  *sigh*

He said he lost the ring I gave him in the ocean.  How's that for symbolism?

Saying Too Much

I'm really trying to listen more and talk less, especially when it comes to B's situation with his wife.  Sometimes I fail miserably, though.  I get "riled up" about it because I feel like he's being taken advantage of.

I get that he has to bide his time.  She's kinda lost her mind and he's afraid she'll take some of the kids and he certainly doesn't want the courts to decide when they can see either of them.  I don't want that for them, either.  Packing up kids for the weekend, all the back and forth - just not a good scene.

Things are slow moving.  He says he just wants to stop living lies and move on.  I feel like in order to effectuate change he's going to have to *do* something because obviously she's convinced herself that it's ok as it is.

It's just a horrible mess and last night I think I crossed a line because I was bluntly honest.  I feel horrible about it.  I immediately apologized; however, once we say something it's not ours anymore.  I can't take it back.

Listen more.  Talk less.

Safer Sex Talk

So, a couple nights ago B and I talked about my "take condoms" comment and how he knew I was teasing him.

I confessed that I was *mostly* teasing him, but there was a serious element to it, too.  This was the perfect time to have the safer sex talk. 

I explained that I'd prefer it if he were to be with someone else that he wear condoms.  He totally understood and agreed.  I told him it was a deal breaker.  And it is.

He told me that if were ever to have sex with someone else it would be a big deal for him and something we'd talk about *together*.  He wouldn't just spring it on me.  That was very reassuring and I was so thankful that he actually vocalized it.

I told him that I had a brief moment of panic when he said he was going out to meet up with T.  I also told him that I was more comfortable with entering into a relationship with an OSO if they already had an OSO as opposed to them acquiring one while we were dating.  I made sure he understood that I wasn't trying to lay down any rules or anything, that I would most definitely try to deal with my issues should that arise.  He understood why I felt that way.  In the mono world when another person enters the picture someone always has to leave.  It's just how we're conditioned.

I am really lucky to have a partner who will actually talk to me about things.  A, my wife, and I are constantly communicating and it's nice to have a boy in my life that's communicative, too.

OSOs with OSOs

First, all seems to be going pretty well, all things considered.

B is trying to work out separation matters with his wife.  I know this is a very trying time for him and I feel a little helpless.  All I can do is listen and be supportive - and patient.  I've been learning a lot about patience over the last few months, which is a good thing.  I've never been good at that.  Hopefully, I'm improving.

My general moods have been improving, too.  I don't know if it was just a temporary funk I was in or if my meds needed adjusting or what, but I'm happy to report that I'm not in the same low place anymore.

Now, on to the topic.

I've always had an easier time with an OSO who already had an existing OSO as opposed to gaining another OSO while we are together.  I know it's totally a me thing as it touches on some inadequacy issues that are all mine.  Still, though, it is what it is.

So, B has this friend who was/is? a FWB (T) prior to us meeting.  I have no issues with that at all.  Our lives are a jumble of experiences that contribute to the people we are today and without those we wouldn't be the same, obviously.  I think we've all had "friends with benefits" and they definitely fill needs and I certainly understand and appreciate that.

I had a glorious Friday night with B.  He stayed the night and didn't have to rush off Saturday morning.  I always cherish those times when we can go to sleep together and wake up without having to rush off to work and the like.

Saturday evening A and I had a birthday esbat for one of our covenmates that ran until 10 pm or so.  B and I were texting when it was over and he said T had invited him out for a drink.  I was mostly teasing when I said "Take condoms!" to which he replied "It's just a drink."  We haven't really had the safer sex with others talk, which is why it was "mostly teasing."

Even though I rationally knew it was ok, that it didn't matter what happened (aside from the wearing condoms, which is a must), that he didn't need my permission, that there was no threat to our relationship - even knowing all that my body still went into panic mode.  My heart was racing.  I spent the better part of a half hour trying to talk myself down before I had to take something to try to get my body to chill out.

I had just seen him Friday night.  WTF was going on with me?  Yes, this was the first time this situation has presented itself and I had to cut myself some slack.  Still, though, I did not like this reaction.  It's counter to the lifestyle I have chosen, and yes, I know that different people do poly differently, there's no One True Way and all that jazz.  We make up our own rules as to what works and what doesn't.  I don't like imposing rules - with the exception of the "if you fuck someone other than me - wear a condom."  I mean, that one is pretty reasonable in my opinion.  I feared that my mostly joking statement had implied that there was a rule or that I assumed he'd have sex with her, or some other sentiment that I did not intend.

He messaged me @ 3 AM and said he was home safe and joking said that he DID hit a possum on the way home - get it, he hit it?  He went on to say again it was just drinks.  I replied that I hoped he knew I was teasing.  It was late, he didn't reply.

The next morning he said he knew I was teasing and he didn't feel like he needed to tell me it was just a drink because I demanded it, but because he felt it was the right thing to do in that situation.  I appreciated that more than he will ever know. 

Of course, had things gone differently for him the night before it would have had to be ok simply because I don't own him.  We have no exclusivity agreement.  I know (and yes, *know*) I would have been upset, but not with him - rather with myself, and that would have been disconcerting. 

I laid low Sunday trying to figure out why I was so out of sorts about it for fear I would have said something totally inappropriate.  I want B to be happy and live his life the way he wants.  I'm thankful that, at least on this part of his journey, he is sharing his life with me. 

There's a small part of me that fears him moving on after this ordeal is smoothed over regarding his separation/divorce.  We've lived a lot in the short time we've been together and sometimes it brings people closer and sometimes it drives them apart.  He's given me no indications that things between us are tapering off - let me make that clear.  This is my own fucked up brain and I'm fighting to overcome it and I think I'm succeeding.  It's just slow going.  It didn't get this way overnight and it's not going to go away overnight, so again - patience.

Another thing that bothers me is that apparently I'm not as strong as I thought I was.  Sometimes I wonder if I *ever* have been as strong as I thought I was. 

Must. Work. On. This.