So, another development has to do with N, a/k/a "The Boy".
He left in January of this year and it was a really hard thing for me to deal with. Of course, I shouldn't be surprised. I have this odd way of subconsciously seeking out boys who need me more than I need them due to an abandonment complex. And you know what usually ends up happening? THEY LEAVE.
This one hit me hard, though. He was family. We had family portraits made - the three of us. We've never done that before. He showed himself to be an alcoholic and we tried to help him and support him. It was just a lot of emotional and physical investment and then it all went to shit because he was a coward. Still, though, it took a lot out of me.
I've tried being friends with him, but I think it's been to my own detriment. I feel pity for him. I love him and yet when I talk to him I hang up and I know he feels better because he knows someone loves him and I feel worse because it just hits home the reality that his life isn't going to be happy unless he does something about his addiction.
We go through this cycle - we talk a lot for a few weeks or so and then he stops returning my texts. I used to flip out when he'd do that and I tried to rationalize that it was because I was worried about him - like genuine worry. I don't know that's entirely true, though. I guess I thought that it was my only connection to him - through words.
He's visited a few times since he left and they've been good visits. It's been nice to see my friend again. Spending time together just being friends. It's always bittersweet, though. I know he has to leave and go back to the life he's created. * sigh *
Recently, though, and this is a good thing in my opinion, I think I've finally learned to just let it go. Let it be organic. If he doesn't want to talk to me - that has to be ok and I don't have to obsess about *why* he's not talking to me. He doesn't like to talk to me when he's drinking, so I know that is part of it, but other than that I just have to let it go. I cannot make someone a priority in my life if I'm not a priority in theirs. Not anymore. It hurts too much to be genuine and real and raw and have someone throw it in your face.
So, he went to Hawaii on August 13 for 3 weeks. I didn't talk to him while he was there save for one time on the phone and that was when I was freaking out about A possibly having Lupus. He said he'd call and he didn't. I didn't text while he was gone because I wanted to a) let him have a good time on vacation and b) ween myself off frequent contact with him. And it was finally ok. I didn't worry and the times I did think about it - well, the bittersweetness and disappointment was fleeting.
He got back a week or so ago and I DID text him and say that I hoped he had fun and had a safe flight home. No answer. That was fine.
We got the news that A doesn't have Lupus (YAY!) and I texted him with that news. He immediately responded and we shot the shit for a few lines and then I was like "Well, take care...." and it was funny to see him back pedal. He was all "don't turn your back on me" and shit. I explained that I knew he was busy, etc. So then he calls me. We talk for a bit and I got upset and started crying and I couldn't hide it. It makes me so sad to contemplate what life has in store for him on his present course. My father was an alcoholic and killed himself and I cannot tell you how many times N has said similar things.
This time, though, it was different. I was crying because I was relieved at finally being able to see it exactly for what it is and stop holding on to the person I want him to be. The person I thought he was. The person I know HE wants to be.
Then - the oddest thing happened. He asked after B. He asked if he was treating me well. I never felt so shitty answering "yes" to that question as I did in that moment. All things considered, my life is pretty fucking awesome. I mean, yeah, I have my ups and downs like everyone else, but it's not a constant, daily struggle to just be ok. I could tell it bothered N to hear it - not like angry bothered, but just kinda sounded bummed. And then he told me he was so lonely, that he missed me and A so much, and I cried some more. It's funny, just when I think I've run out of tears for him there's always more.
He's been pretty communicative over the last day or so, but I don't think that will last long. I think I am finally in that place where it'll be ok regardless.
He says he is moving to Hawaii in December and I hope he does. I hope he finds *something* or *somewhere* that makes him happy, even though I know it's not possible until he can be happy with himself. *sigh*
He said he lost the ring I gave him in the ocean. How's that for symbolism?
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