First, all seems to be going pretty well, all things considered.
B is trying to work out separation matters with his wife. I know this is a very trying time for him and I feel a little helpless. All I can do is listen and be supportive - and patient. I've been learning a lot about patience over the last few months, which is a good thing. I've never been good at that. Hopefully, I'm improving.
My general moods have been improving, too. I don't know if it was just a temporary funk I was in or if my meds needed adjusting or what, but I'm happy to report that I'm not in the same low place anymore.
Now, on to the topic.
I've always had an easier time with an OSO who already had an existing OSO as opposed to gaining another OSO while we are together. I know it's totally a me thing as it touches on some inadequacy issues that are all mine. Still, though, it is what it is.
So, B has this friend who was/is? a FWB (T) prior to us meeting. I have no issues with that at all. Our lives are a jumble of experiences that contribute to the people we are today and without those we wouldn't be the same, obviously. I think we've all had "friends with benefits" and they definitely fill needs and I certainly understand and appreciate that.
I had a glorious Friday night with B. He stayed the night and didn't have to rush off Saturday morning. I always cherish those times when we can go to sleep together and wake up without having to rush off to work and the like.
Saturday evening A and I had a birthday esbat for one of our covenmates that ran until 10 pm or so. B and I were texting when it was over and he said T had invited him out for a drink. I was mostly teasing when I said "Take condoms!" to which he replied "It's just a drink." We haven't really had the safer sex with others talk, which is why it was "mostly teasing."
Even though I rationally knew it was ok, that it didn't matter what happened (aside from the wearing condoms, which is a must), that he didn't need my permission, that there was no threat to our relationship - even knowing all that my body still went into panic mode. My heart was racing. I spent the better part of a half hour trying to talk myself down before I had to take something to try to get my body to chill out.
I had just seen him Friday night. WTF was going on with me? Yes, this was the first time this situation has presented itself and I had to cut myself some slack. Still, though, I did not like this reaction. It's counter to the lifestyle I have chosen, and yes, I know that different people do poly differently, there's no One True Way and all that jazz. We make up our own rules as to what works and what doesn't. I don't like imposing rules - with the exception of the "if you fuck someone other than me - wear a condom." I mean, that one is pretty reasonable in my opinion. I feared that my mostly joking statement had implied that there was a rule or that I assumed he'd have sex with her, or some other sentiment that I did not intend.
He messaged me @ 3 AM and said he was home safe and joking said that he DID hit a possum on the way home - get it, he hit it? He went on to say again it was just drinks. I replied that I hoped he knew I was teasing. It was late, he didn't reply.
The next morning he said he knew I was teasing and he didn't feel like he needed to tell me it was just a drink because I demanded it, but because he felt it was the right thing to do in that situation. I appreciated that more than he will ever know.
Of course, had things gone differently for him the night before it would have had to be ok simply because I don't own him. We have no exclusivity agreement. I know (and yes, *know*) I would have been upset, but not with him - rather with myself, and that would have been disconcerting.
I laid low Sunday trying to figure out why I was so out of sorts about it for fear I would have said something totally inappropriate. I want B to be happy and live his life the way he wants. I'm thankful that, at least on this part of his journey, he is sharing his life with me.
There's a small part of me that fears him moving on after this ordeal is smoothed over regarding his separation/divorce. We've lived a lot in the short time we've been together and sometimes it brings people closer and sometimes it drives them apart. He's given me no indications that things between us are tapering off - let me make that clear. This is my own fucked up brain and I'm fighting to overcome it and I think I'm succeeding. It's just slow going. It didn't get this way overnight and it's not going to go away overnight, so again - patience.
Another thing that bothers me is that apparently I'm not as strong as I thought I was. Sometimes I wonder if I *ever* have been as strong as I thought I was.
Must. Work. On. This.
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