Writing it all out (Part 5B)

Another layer of my dynamic with B is the whole D/s thing.

God, I feel like such a failure in this department. 

I think B most closely identifies as a switch.  I identify as a dominant, but I do like to switch on occasion.

We've talked about how it's not the focal point of our relationship.  We've talked about how it's not possible to be 24/7 in our respective roles.  I'm totally ok with that.  I prefer it that way, even.

He has a hard time getting into the mindset and when I try to go there with him I just end up with egg on my face.  For him I think it's tied to recognizing patterns in his relationship with his wife and not wanting to get back into those patterns with me.  I completely understand that.

I just feel like I'm totally missing the mark.  I'm not picking up on context clues.  I don't know when it's ok to be "Ma'am" and when it's just me making a fool of myself.  The last time I went there was disastrous.  It really hurt my feelings and - like every other fucking thing - it directly hit my "you're not worthy" button.

He told me he had a hard time getting into that headspace, so I suggested a couple things that might help.  Of course, both of the things I told him were shot down because "if I have to do it then it means nothing."  What he fails to understand is that it means something *to me*.  Nothing that I ask him to do in that regard is frivolous. 

I don't *need* this dynamic to have a happy relationship with someone.  However, it is something I enjoy.  I've contemplated trying to find a boy who is into it simply to satiate that desire, but I struggle with that for several reasons.  I don't want B to feel inadequate.  I don't want to develop another relationship and end up neglecting the ones that are important to me.  I don't want it to be a string of play dates.  I want my boy.  I thought that was a possibility with B, but things change.  I'm ok with them changing.  I just need to talk about it - and - that goes back to needing and asking for more communication, which I feel guilty for even wanting.

I've offered to put all that to the side, but he wants to "keep it as an option."  When I try to discern how that works in my head it comes out a jumbled mess.  How can I be dominant when I don't even know if it's *ok* to let Her out?  How can I be dominant when I have to get permission from him to go there?  In my mind it means that he's really the one in control of the when/where/how/why and I am just a prop.  I'd rather not have it at all than have it with those conditions.

I know it seems like I'm bitching a lot; however, I *am* thankful for my relationship with B.  He makes me want to be a better person.  I guess I just have to be ok with who I am right now.  It's a learning process.  I didn't get this fucked up overnight and I know it won't just magically be "fixed" overnight. 

I don't think either of us knew what we were getting ourselves into when we started on this journey - and I would still buy the ticket and take the ride even if I did know.  He's worth it.  I hope I am, too.

Writing it all out (Part 5A)

Of course, another source of my need for reassurance is his home situation. He's at the beginning stages of untangling himself from a very unhealthy relationship with his wife. I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say - it's very slow going. His preferred "deadline" is by the holidays. His "hard deadline" is May. Again, patience isn't something I'm adept at and I don't understand these far off deadlines. I get that the holidays aren't far off. May - is kinda far off.

The thing is - this situation has put his life on hold in some ways. It's like he cannot move forward at the rate he wants to. He has a lot of things that will be impacted by his current actions so I get that he has to be careful. I get that he's trying to not make huge ripples and jeopardize getting what he wants with regard to the kids, etc. I get it. Truly.

The flip side to this is that the situation lends itself to me feeling like a secret. I don't expect him to parade me around town and put up billboards that say we're dating. I'm not that arrogant. I would like to be able to have dinner with him at his house. I would like to meet his children. I don't want to be the mysterious person Daddy spends time with. I have met the youngest two and it was awesome. I hear tell that one of the middles wants to meet me (we both like art and I've been sending her art supplies here and there).

I don't want to meet them simply because they're his children. They sound like really neat kids in their own rights.

I'm not asking to be involved in all aspects of B's life. I'd just like to be as "normal" as possible given our quirky circumstance. Maybe this is it. Maybe I just have to accept that I'll never be integrated into his "real life". Maybe I just have to accept that right now this is all I've got and it either has to be enough or I have to decide it's not and move on. Patience, right?

I feel guilty for having those feelings. I know he's under a tremendous amount of stress and life changes and dealing with shit. I don't want to be added to that list. In the past I've put my own feelings on hold for the benefit of others. The thing is, though, it's detrimental to me. I don't know how to balance that. I don't know how to be ok "for now." What happens when "for now" is over? What happens when "for now" becomes "forever" because we've just been hoping it'd even out and haven't proactively done things to change it?

So, my default is to try to prove myself worthy of being in his "real life." That goes back to him not needing anything. It's a vicious cycle.

I'm trying to trust that I'm enough just as I am. I don't know what that feels like. I have that with A - but again - after 12 years I think I finally "got it." It wasn't automatic.

Patience, grasshopper. Grasshoppers squick me out.

Writing it all out (Part 5)

I'm just going to warn you.  This last one might take up a couple posts, but I will try to be as succinct as possible.

"Patience is a virtue."

I do not possess great amounts of it.  I have been working really hard to hone that skill, though.  I think I'm making progress, but sometimes I wonder.

Things with B are going well, I suppose?  I mean, we have our glitches in communication and I think that's mainly where the issues we've had come from.

We have very different communication styles and needs.  This is taking adjustments on both sides I imagine, although I don't know for certain because of said differing styles/needs.

I need lots of communication.  I like knowing what page my SOs are on.  I like knowing what they think and feel.  I like talking about anything and nothing with them.  I never lose interest in that.  It's like A is my Moon Goddess and B is my Sun God.  I thrive on our interactions.

B, on the other hand, is extremely independent.  He tends to focus on what's in front of him.  I don't really know what his communication *needs* are.  He waxes and wanes.  Sometimes he goes all emo on me.  Other times he's really present with me.  I mean, I acknowledge that we all have our ups and downs.  I don't expect anyone to really be consistent all the time.

I just feel like I'm missing the mark.  I feel like sometimes I censor myself or hold back because it seems that I'm constantly trying to talk about "deep stuff."  I'm a deep person.  I feel things intensely.  I like to talk.

I'm not quite sure how to resolve this.  When a new relationship starts there's a certain getting to know you period.  I thought it would even out as we got to know one another and maybe it is and I'm just not picking up on it.

I think I know where at least some of my need to communicate a lot comes from:

I've never had a relationship with a boy that it was good enough for me to just be me.  I always had to be doing something - physically or mentally - to even come close to being good enough.  My ex husband used to tell me that I should be thankful he'd have me because no other man would.  Now, my rational brain says "fuck that."  My emotional brain has tried to get rid of that memory - but it's always there, even slightly, lurking and waiting for an opportune time to rear its ugly head.

B doesn't need me to do anything.  I feel like I don't have many opportunities to prove my worth to him.  I'm terrified that I'm going to become "work" and, while I know all relationships take work I feel like I am not worth it.  I'm not saying HE has contributed to these feelings, not at all.  This is totally a me thing.  I just don't know how to shake it.

Because I'm not sure how to act in this dynamic and because I'm scared that I'll do something to fuck it up, or ask too much of him, or get too close to him - I find that I am constantly needing reassurance.  I hate the message that sends.  To me it says that I'm needy.  I don't like being needy.  I don't like being unsure of myself.  Out of all the things in this world that are uncertain - I've always been sure of myself and my decisions.  I mean, yes, we all doubt ourselves at some point, but usually I can keep myself in check.

I've really tried to curb asking for reassurance.  I've tried to explain to him why it is that way for me and assure him that I'm trying hard to overcome it.  I just hope I can before it's too late and my shiny wears off.

This leads me to Part 5A.

Writing it all out (Part 4)

Then, we have my family.

My mother was in a car accident in late June and she suffered injuries that a) they cannot do anything about (broken ribs, collarbone, fractured pelvis) and b) just take longer to heal.  She's frustrated.  She's depressed.  She's angry.  And on top of all that - I think she's losing her 72 year old mind.

She also seems to have this disconnect between when people CAN help her and when she WANTS them to help her.  This has caused all sorts of issues with my siblings because they have jobs and lives and families and cannot drop everything to rush to her side (or the grocery store, or the bank, or the hair dresser, or, or, or...).

As a result, my brother isn't even speaking to her because she finally broke him down.  He just cannot take her negativity and anger anymore.  I don't blame him; however, she's 72 fucking years old and has almost run her body into the ground.  Why can't he just suck it up?  That's his MOTHER.

My sister is getting to the same point.  Of course, in my opinion, she does it for show.  I'm not saying she doesn't care.  I'm just saying it's not her sole motivation.

I went to visit for a few days a couple weeks ago.  I was so saddened by my mother's condition.  I was glad to be there and help her out, but I feel this overwhelming guilt that I'm not there to help her all the time.  I've asked her to move here, but she uses the excuse of "I can't find a job making what I make and I won't be able to live on my retirement/ss/whatever."

While there we went to the attorney's office for my mother to update her will.  Without going into detail let's just say that a) it's her estate and she can do what she damn well pleases and b) her decisions have added stress about what's going to happen when she dies.

I can only do what I can do from here.  I can only do what I can do from here.  I can only do what I can do from here.  And that has to be enough - for BOTH of us.

Writing it all out (Part 3)

The next thing on my plate is Old Boy.

I have honestly tried to be friends with him because I missed interacting with him.  We were good friends who got along well.  I also realized that I felt a little sorry for him.  By his own design, mind you, he has alienated almost everyone in his life.  I worried about him being alone and self destructive (because that's what he does when he's alone).  I have abandonment issues and they were triggered by this.  I don't want him to ever feel abandoned.  Not just him, but anyone.  It's a horrible feeling.

Right now he's gone to Hawaii.  Initially he was going to move there; however, he got a round trip ticket and should be back next week.  I have not heard from him since he left and I was very well aware that it might be the last time I talk to him.  I've actually been ok about that over the last couple weeks.  It's been amazing how I just didn't agonize and fret over it. 

Sometimes I get angry.  I get angry because I gave him really good parts of myself.  I get angry because even after he was a shit we still loved him.  I get angry because he doesn't seem to get the meaning of "friendship."  I'm always there and he has known that.  It's like he can go off on his adventures and then come back to me without having to give anything in return.  That isn't acceptable to me anymore.  It took 7 months to get to this place.

Here's the catch.  I am terrified that I will hear from him next week.  I don't know how I will handle that.  Part of me says a giant "FUCK YOU" and the other part of me is like "How was your trip?"  Maybe I won't hear from him next week - maybe the next or the next or never.  Who knows?  I hate uncertainty.

Writing it all out (Part 2)

So, the first thing I'll tackle is my relationship with my wonderful wife. 

She is truly amazing.  Truly.  We are so in sync it's a little scary sometimes.  We finish one another's sentences, we have the same routines, we are definitely on the same page.  After nearly 12 years we should be, right?  I struggle from time to time with not being enough for her, which is just odd in that I am the practicing poly person and she's monogamous.  I worry that I keep her from things she needs, mainly sex.  You see, I identify as bisexual; however, she's the only woman I am romantically involved with and the only woman I *want* to be romantically involved with.

Do not misunderstand.  OMG.  The sex we have is amazing.  Seriously.  We just don't have it often for some reason or another.  We're tired.  One of us isn't feeling well.  We have other stuff to do.  I have to ask myself if we're making excuses? 

One thing is she has issues initiating it.  I share that with her.  I'm not good at initiating sex with a woman.  I don't know why.  She's not good at initiating sex with anyone - which - in all fairness - what woman really has to initiate sex with ANY boy?

This is something we've battled since the start of our relationship.  The desire is not lacking, it's just the follow through that we have troubles with.

I just can't shake the feeling that I'm not everything she needs - even when she tells me so.

Writing it all out (Part 1)

Writing things down can be very therapeutic sometimes.  B pointed out that it lets him know if he's heading in the right direction.  I wish it were a matter of knowing right from wrong. 

I'm always cognizant of the tl;dr phenomenon; however, it's not like anyone really reads what I write anyway, so - here goes.

I'm going to break it down in parts so I'm not jumping around.

Hopefully I'll at least feel better, right?

I don't know how to live like this.

It makes me uneasy.

It makes me nervous.

It makes me uncomfortable.

I can't trust it.

I have a hard time accepting it.

It's so fucked up.  All we want is for it to be enough just to be who we are.  I don't know how that feels.  I don't know how it works.  I just don't know how.