Writing it all out (Part 5A)

Of course, another source of my need for reassurance is his home situation. He's at the beginning stages of untangling himself from a very unhealthy relationship with his wife. I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say - it's very slow going. His preferred "deadline" is by the holidays. His "hard deadline" is May. Again, patience isn't something I'm adept at and I don't understand these far off deadlines. I get that the holidays aren't far off. May - is kinda far off.

The thing is - this situation has put his life on hold in some ways. It's like he cannot move forward at the rate he wants to. He has a lot of things that will be impacted by his current actions so I get that he has to be careful. I get that he's trying to not make huge ripples and jeopardize getting what he wants with regard to the kids, etc. I get it. Truly.

The flip side to this is that the situation lends itself to me feeling like a secret. I don't expect him to parade me around town and put up billboards that say we're dating. I'm not that arrogant. I would like to be able to have dinner with him at his house. I would like to meet his children. I don't want to be the mysterious person Daddy spends time with. I have met the youngest two and it was awesome. I hear tell that one of the middles wants to meet me (we both like art and I've been sending her art supplies here and there).

I don't want to meet them simply because they're his children. They sound like really neat kids in their own rights.

I'm not asking to be involved in all aspects of B's life. I'd just like to be as "normal" as possible given our quirky circumstance. Maybe this is it. Maybe I just have to accept that I'll never be integrated into his "real life". Maybe I just have to accept that right now this is all I've got and it either has to be enough or I have to decide it's not and move on. Patience, right?

I feel guilty for having those feelings. I know he's under a tremendous amount of stress and life changes and dealing with shit. I don't want to be added to that list. In the past I've put my own feelings on hold for the benefit of others. The thing is, though, it's detrimental to me. I don't know how to balance that. I don't know how to be ok "for now." What happens when "for now" is over? What happens when "for now" becomes "forever" because we've just been hoping it'd even out and haven't proactively done things to change it?

So, my default is to try to prove myself worthy of being in his "real life." That goes back to him not needing anything. It's a vicious cycle.

I'm trying to trust that I'm enough just as I am. I don't know what that feels like. I have that with A - but again - after 12 years I think I finally "got it." It wasn't automatic.

Patience, grasshopper. Grasshoppers squick me out.