I'm just going to warn you. This last one might take up a couple posts, but I will try to be as succinct as possible.
"Patience is a virtue."
I do not possess great amounts of it. I have been working really hard to hone that skill, though. I think I'm making progress, but sometimes I wonder.
Things with B are going well, I suppose? I mean, we have our glitches in communication and I think that's mainly where the issues we've had come from.
We have very different communication styles and needs. This is taking adjustments on both sides I imagine, although I don't know for certain because of said differing styles/needs.
I need lots of communication. I like knowing what page my SOs are on. I like knowing what they think and feel. I like talking about anything and nothing with them. I never lose interest in that. It's like A is my Moon Goddess and B is my Sun God. I thrive on our interactions.
B, on the other hand, is extremely independent. He tends to focus on what's in front of him. I don't really know what his communication *needs* are. He waxes and wanes. Sometimes he goes all emo on me. Other times he's really present with me. I mean, I acknowledge that we all have our ups and downs. I don't expect anyone to really be consistent all the time.
I just feel like I'm missing the mark. I feel like sometimes I censor myself or hold back because it seems that I'm constantly trying to talk about "deep stuff." I'm a deep person. I feel things intensely. I like to talk.
I'm not quite sure how to resolve this. When a new relationship starts there's a certain getting to know you period. I thought it would even out as we got to know one another and maybe it is and I'm just not picking up on it.
I think I know where at least some of my need to communicate a lot comes from:
I've never had a relationship with a boy that it was good enough for me to just be me. I always had to be doing something - physically or mentally - to even come close to being good enough. My ex husband used to tell me that I should be thankful he'd have me because no other man would. Now, my rational brain says "fuck that." My emotional brain has tried to get rid of that memory - but it's always there, even slightly, lurking and waiting for an opportune time to rear its ugly head.
B doesn't need me to do anything. I feel like I don't have many opportunities to prove my worth to him. I'm terrified that I'm going to become "work" and, while I know all relationships take work I feel like I am not worth it. I'm not saying HE has contributed to these feelings, not at all. This is totally a me thing. I just don't know how to shake it.
Because I'm not sure how to act in this dynamic and because I'm scared that I'll do something to fuck it up, or ask too much of him, or get too close to him - I find that I am constantly needing reassurance. I hate the message that sends. To me it says that I'm needy. I don't like being needy. I don't like being unsure of myself. Out of all the things in this world that are uncertain - I've always been sure of myself and my decisions. I mean, yes, we all doubt ourselves at some point, but usually I can keep myself in check.
I've really tried to curb asking for reassurance. I've tried to explain to him why it is that way for me and assure him that I'm trying hard to overcome it. I just hope I can before it's too late and my shiny wears off.
This leads me to Part 5A.
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