The next thing on my plate is Old Boy.
I have honestly tried to be friends with him because I missed interacting with him. We were good friends who got along well. I also realized that I felt a little sorry for him. By his own design, mind you, he has alienated almost everyone in his life. I worried about him being alone and self destructive (because that's what he does when he's alone). I have abandonment issues and they were triggered by this. I don't want him to ever feel abandoned. Not just him, but anyone. It's a horrible feeling.
Right now he's gone to Hawaii. Initially he was going to move there; however, he got a round trip ticket and should be back next week. I have not heard from him since he left and I was very well aware that it might be the last time I talk to him. I've actually been ok about that over the last couple weeks. It's been amazing how I just didn't agonize and fret over it.
Sometimes I get angry. I get angry because I gave him really good parts of myself. I get angry because even after he was a shit we still loved him. I get angry because he doesn't seem to get the meaning of "friendship." I'm always there and he has known that. It's like he can go off on his adventures and then come back to me without having to give anything in return. That isn't acceptable to me anymore. It took 7 months to get to this place.
Here's the catch. I am terrified that I will hear from him next week. I don't know how I will handle that. Part of me says a giant "FUCK YOU" and the other part of me is like "How was your trip?" Maybe I won't hear from him next week - maybe the next or the next or never. Who knows? I hate uncertainty.
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