Another layer of my dynamic with B is the whole D/s thing.
God, I feel like such a failure in this department.
I think B most closely identifies as a switch. I identify as a dominant, but I do like to switch on occasion.
We've talked about how it's not the focal point of our relationship. We've talked about how it's not possible to be 24/7 in our respective roles. I'm totally ok with that. I prefer it that way, even.
He has a hard time getting into the mindset and when I try to go there with him I just end up with egg on my face. For him I think it's tied to recognizing patterns in his relationship with his wife and not wanting to get back into those patterns with me. I completely understand that.
I just feel like I'm totally missing the mark. I'm not picking up on context clues. I don't know when it's ok to be "Ma'am" and when it's just me making a fool of myself. The last time I went there was disastrous. It really hurt my feelings and - like every other fucking thing - it directly hit my "you're not worthy" button.
He told me he had a hard time getting into that headspace, so I suggested a couple things that might help. Of course, both of the things I told him were shot down because "if I have to do it then it means nothing." What he fails to understand is that it means something *to me*. Nothing that I ask him to do in that regard is frivolous.
I don't *need* this dynamic to have a happy relationship with someone. However, it is something I enjoy. I've contemplated trying to find a boy who is into it simply to satiate that desire, but I struggle with that for several reasons. I don't want B to feel inadequate. I don't want to develop another relationship and end up neglecting the ones that are important to me. I don't want it to be a string of play dates. I want my boy. I thought that was a possibility with B, but things change. I'm ok with them changing. I just need to talk about it - and - that goes back to needing and asking for more communication, which I feel guilty for even wanting.
I've offered to put all that to the side, but he wants to "keep it as an option." When I try to discern how that works in my head it comes out a jumbled mess. How can I be dominant when I don't even know if it's *ok* to let Her out? How can I be dominant when I have to get permission from him to go there? In my mind it means that he's really the one in control of the when/where/how/why and I am just a prop. I'd rather not have it at all than have it with those conditions.
I know it seems like I'm bitching a lot; however, I *am* thankful for my relationship with B. He makes me want to be a better person. I guess I just have to be ok with who I am right now. It's a learning process. I didn't get this fucked up overnight and I know it won't just magically be "fixed" overnight.
I don't think either of us knew what we were getting ourselves into when we started on this journey - and I would still buy the ticket and take the ride even if I did know. He's worth it. I hope I am, too.
No comments:
Post a Comment