The shortest day and the longest night...
Friday, December 21, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Giving Thanks
So many things have happened this year:
1. Horrible break up with The Boy.
2. Health issues with Amylita.
3. Meeting B and falling head over heels for him.
4. Health issues with my mother.
5. Family squabbles.
6. Roller coaster at work.
7. Apprenticing in Coven.
I'm sure there's more, too. Some of these things bring me great joy while others test me. However, I am thankful for each experience. It makes me who I am today and I think I kick ass.
The break up with The Boy was devastating. After months of living like I had battered wife syndrome I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Do not misunderstand, though. I was not battered - it just felt like I was stuck in the loop that his drinking (or inability to NOT drink) was somehow my fault and if I could just "do better" things would be ok. That's bullshit. I tried being his friend after he left and that was similarly abusive. He's just not in a place to where he can be a friend to anyone, even himself. I fear that's what his future holds and I hate it. I finally had to close that door and it was one of the hardest things I have had to do in a long time. It's for the best, though.
Amylita has been battling some unexplained health issues, i.e. headaches, wooziness, etc. We went round and round with the docs and there was even a Lupus scare. Fortunately, she doesn't have Lupus. We seem to have found a combination of drugs that helps with the headaches. We did have a snag in her meds that sent her on a roller coaster for a couple weeks, but that was quickly sorted out and she's on the right track now. I hope it continues to improve.
I met B at the end of January/beginning of February. I had no idea when we met for coffee on a Saturday afternoon that he would become a fixture in my life. We've had our ups and downs that's all a part of learning one another. I've never had a relationship like this with a boy. It's taken some time to adjust and I think I'm getting there. He fits in our family. He treats me and *us* well. He's genuine and compelling and just generally awesome. He's showing me that all I have to do for someone to love me is just be me. I'm good enough. Sometimes I slip back into old habits and I hate that, but he's so patient with me. He's taught me so much. I admire and respect him. I just love him and he lets me. And...he loves me back.
My mother's health is quickly fading. She'd been having balance issues and had fallen several times over a few weeks. She has osteoporosis. She has degenerative disc disease. She just found out she's in Stage III renal failure. The biggest thing, though, was that she was heavily over medicated. We got that sorted out and the last few weeks she's been her spunky, fuck you, self. No dizziness. No falling. She's my mother again. For that I am thankful.
My family has always been dysfunctional; however, we've always stuck together. This whole over medicated thing with my mother made her absolutely batshit crazy and there was a huge falling out with my brother. They haven't spoken in over a month and this Thanksgiving is going to be weird because he and his family won't be there. I hate it. I had my own falling out with my brother and we didn't speak for a couple years. We had to split holidays with the family and the like and it was HORRIBLE. When my father died we reconciled. Life is too short to hang on to bullshit. Apologize and move on.
Work has been - well, work. If it was fun they'd call it something else, right? I have one of the most incompetent co-irkers ever. I've begged for her to be fired and let me hire someone to help *me* - because I seem to end up with all the work because "she'll just fuck it up." The older partner in the firm says he's just not got the energy to "go through it again". *Sigh* Oh well. I'm thankful to have a job when so many people have such a hard time finding one.
Earlier in the year Amylita and I began our apprenticeship with our Coven. We've known these people for years and we were finally ready to make that commitment. Sometimes it's a pain in the ass, but most of the time it's WONDERFUL. We truly are a family - and I mean that in the truest sense of the word. We've got one another's back. We call each other on our bullshit. We genuinely love one another and lift each other up. Spiritually, it's nice to have others to go this path with.
I am thankful for each of these things - even the hard things. All of the struggles make me stronger and teach me something about myself and others. The joys are cherished times. Being present in the moment, whatever moment that is, lets me know I'm ALIVE - and I can't think a better state of being.
1. Horrible break up with The Boy.
2. Health issues with Amylita.
3. Meeting B and falling head over heels for him.
4. Health issues with my mother.
5. Family squabbles.
6. Roller coaster at work.
7. Apprenticing in Coven.
I'm sure there's more, too. Some of these things bring me great joy while others test me. However, I am thankful for each experience. It makes me who I am today and I think I kick ass.
The break up with The Boy was devastating. After months of living like I had battered wife syndrome I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Do not misunderstand, though. I was not battered - it just felt like I was stuck in the loop that his drinking (or inability to NOT drink) was somehow my fault and if I could just "do better" things would be ok. That's bullshit. I tried being his friend after he left and that was similarly abusive. He's just not in a place to where he can be a friend to anyone, even himself. I fear that's what his future holds and I hate it. I finally had to close that door and it was one of the hardest things I have had to do in a long time. It's for the best, though.
Amylita has been battling some unexplained health issues, i.e. headaches, wooziness, etc. We went round and round with the docs and there was even a Lupus scare. Fortunately, she doesn't have Lupus. We seem to have found a combination of drugs that helps with the headaches. We did have a snag in her meds that sent her on a roller coaster for a couple weeks, but that was quickly sorted out and she's on the right track now. I hope it continues to improve.
I met B at the end of January/beginning of February. I had no idea when we met for coffee on a Saturday afternoon that he would become a fixture in my life. We've had our ups and downs that's all a part of learning one another. I've never had a relationship like this with a boy. It's taken some time to adjust and I think I'm getting there. He fits in our family. He treats me and *us* well. He's genuine and compelling and just generally awesome. He's showing me that all I have to do for someone to love me is just be me. I'm good enough. Sometimes I slip back into old habits and I hate that, but he's so patient with me. He's taught me so much. I admire and respect him. I just love him and he lets me. And...he loves me back.
My mother's health is quickly fading. She'd been having balance issues and had fallen several times over a few weeks. She has osteoporosis. She has degenerative disc disease. She just found out she's in Stage III renal failure. The biggest thing, though, was that she was heavily over medicated. We got that sorted out and the last few weeks she's been her spunky, fuck you, self. No dizziness. No falling. She's my mother again. For that I am thankful.
My family has always been dysfunctional; however, we've always stuck together. This whole over medicated thing with my mother made her absolutely batshit crazy and there was a huge falling out with my brother. They haven't spoken in over a month and this Thanksgiving is going to be weird because he and his family won't be there. I hate it. I had my own falling out with my brother and we didn't speak for a couple years. We had to split holidays with the family and the like and it was HORRIBLE. When my father died we reconciled. Life is too short to hang on to bullshit. Apologize and move on.
Work has been - well, work. If it was fun they'd call it something else, right? I have one of the most incompetent co-irkers ever. I've begged for her to be fired and let me hire someone to help *me* - because I seem to end up with all the work because "she'll just fuck it up." The older partner in the firm says he's just not got the energy to "go through it again". *Sigh* Oh well. I'm thankful to have a job when so many people have such a hard time finding one.
Earlier in the year Amylita and I began our apprenticeship with our Coven. We've known these people for years and we were finally ready to make that commitment. Sometimes it's a pain in the ass, but most of the time it's WONDERFUL. We truly are a family - and I mean that in the truest sense of the word. We've got one another's back. We call each other on our bullshit. We genuinely love one another and lift each other up. Spiritually, it's nice to have others to go this path with.
I am thankful for each of these things - even the hard things. All of the struggles make me stronger and teach me something about myself and others. The joys are cherished times. Being present in the moment, whatever moment that is, lets me know I'm ALIVE - and I can't think a better state of being.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Ramble on
So, every now and again I need to do a brain dump. Some things make sense, others do not. Enjoy.
I have realized that I am one of those people who, if it's on, it's ON. I'm a jump in with both feet kinda gal. I don't do anything half assed. Not even failing. On more than one occasion this has ended up with me getting egg on my face, or my feelings hurt, or something equally unpleasant. As a result, I ask myself "Am I doing that *thing* again?". That *thing* to me is living life wide open. I don't apologize for who I am, how I live my life, etc. I try to live every day as authentically as possible. I try very hard not to censor myself. I say what I feel - even if it puts me in a vulnerable position - which it almost always does. I try not to play most of the games people play. I work at not being passive aggressive. I try to actually live a life as opposed to planning to live one someday.
Of course, this doesn't come without its own set of disadvantages. Living life wide open sounds glamorous, no? I'm not a socialite or a partier or any of the things "wide open" might imply. I'm boring and I'm ok with that. I like small, intimate groups of people. I like quiet evenings at home with the people I love (or at least like). I do enjoy going out on occasion, but it's mostly that I enjoy seeing people having a good time. I like being a part of that good time, too. I'm really easy to get along with, so it's not really about *where* I am, but moreso *who* I am with. Hell, Amylita and I have a blast going to the grocery store.
I find myself feeling compelled to tell the people I love that I love them - ALL. THE. TIME. Amy and I tell one another that a bajillion times a day. We thank one another for the littlest things. I know that to some people that may be silly or pathetic or a whole host of other things, but, I don't ever want her to feel like I take her for granted. I want her to know how much I love and appreciate her. And you know what? I still probably don't tell her enough.
Here's one of the things that has been weighing heavily on my mind: I fear that I tell B too much too often. I love him more every day. I don't want a minute to go by without him knowing how awesome he is and how loved he is and how grateful I am to be in his life and he in mine. Now, that's not to say I tell him every minute. That'd just be silly. I have to wait at least three minutes between each time. *wink*
Why do I feel this way? He says he's not good with words. I fear that he'll feel like he has to reciprocate the sentiment - which he doesn't. If I've learned anything over the last 12 years it's that my feelings aren't conditioned on whether or not they're returned. It's ok to tell people you love them, even if they don't love you back. It's ok to reach out to people; to let them know they are loved and adored and cherished and appreciated and respected and admired.
Don't misunderstand. I'm not saying that I don't need to hear those things from people because that'd be a lie. Everyone wants to hear things like that, even if it's only occasionally. We also have to take actions into consideration, too. I know B loves me because he shows me. He makes time for me. He pays attention. He listens.
I just hope that I'm not loving him more every day while he's loving me less. Not that it would change how much I love him - just that it would be awkward for us both. I still get giddy when I just think about him or talk to him or see him or know I'm going to see him. I'm excited about him and our relationship. I'm excited about our triad dynamic that seems to be coming more naturally and easily to both him and Amylita. I'm just - *excited*.
The flip side of that is excruciating for me sometimes, though. I feel like I'm constantly worried about my shiny wearing off. Ok, *constantly* isn't accurate, but it sure does feel like it. Often I have control over my self esteem issues, but this one - this one waits in the dark corners to pounce on me when I least expect it. You see, I have always been with boys that needed me more than I needed them; therefore, I found myself constantly doing for them. Once I stopped - they split. B doesn't need me. He doesn't need me to do anything for him. (That doesn't stop me from trying, but that's another post.) It's odd to not be jumping through hoops and him stick around. It makes me anxious for the other shoe to drop. I feel like I'm being suspicious and that's not cool.
I know this is a me thing. I know I need to fix it or otherwise I could sabotage a wonderful relationship with a boy. I think it's easier with Amylita because I didn't have anything to base my relationship with her on. It wasn't like there were other women in my life. It was new territory for us both. We had to find our own way instead of falling into the prescribed gender roles - because we had no clue what we were doing. We just knew we loved one another. We knew we wanted to be good to one another. We knew that we wanted to be together. So, that's what we did. I know it sounds like I'm making this harder than it is - and maybe I am - yet it's so powerful sometimes. I don't know how to be when being me is good enough. It hasn't felt like that's been the case too often.
I have got to get this under control.
I have realized that I am one of those people who, if it's on, it's ON. I'm a jump in with both feet kinda gal. I don't do anything half assed. Not even failing. On more than one occasion this has ended up with me getting egg on my face, or my feelings hurt, or something equally unpleasant. As a result, I ask myself "Am I doing that *thing* again?". That *thing* to me is living life wide open. I don't apologize for who I am, how I live my life, etc. I try to live every day as authentically as possible. I try very hard not to censor myself. I say what I feel - even if it puts me in a vulnerable position - which it almost always does. I try not to play most of the games people play. I work at not being passive aggressive. I try to actually live a life as opposed to planning to live one someday.
Of course, this doesn't come without its own set of disadvantages. Living life wide open sounds glamorous, no? I'm not a socialite or a partier or any of the things "wide open" might imply. I'm boring and I'm ok with that. I like small, intimate groups of people. I like quiet evenings at home with the people I love (or at least like). I do enjoy going out on occasion, but it's mostly that I enjoy seeing people having a good time. I like being a part of that good time, too. I'm really easy to get along with, so it's not really about *where* I am, but moreso *who* I am with. Hell, Amylita and I have a blast going to the grocery store.
I find myself feeling compelled to tell the people I love that I love them - ALL. THE. TIME. Amy and I tell one another that a bajillion times a day. We thank one another for the littlest things. I know that to some people that may be silly or pathetic or a whole host of other things, but, I don't ever want her to feel like I take her for granted. I want her to know how much I love and appreciate her. And you know what? I still probably don't tell her enough.
Here's one of the things that has been weighing heavily on my mind: I fear that I tell B too much too often. I love him more every day. I don't want a minute to go by without him knowing how awesome he is and how loved he is and how grateful I am to be in his life and he in mine. Now, that's not to say I tell him every minute. That'd just be silly. I have to wait at least three minutes between each time. *wink*
Why do I feel this way? He says he's not good with words. I fear that he'll feel like he has to reciprocate the sentiment - which he doesn't. If I've learned anything over the last 12 years it's that my feelings aren't conditioned on whether or not they're returned. It's ok to tell people you love them, even if they don't love you back. It's ok to reach out to people; to let them know they are loved and adored and cherished and appreciated and respected and admired.
Don't misunderstand. I'm not saying that I don't need to hear those things from people because that'd be a lie. Everyone wants to hear things like that, even if it's only occasionally. We also have to take actions into consideration, too. I know B loves me because he shows me. He makes time for me. He pays attention. He listens.
I just hope that I'm not loving him more every day while he's loving me less. Not that it would change how much I love him - just that it would be awkward for us both. I still get giddy when I just think about him or talk to him or see him or know I'm going to see him. I'm excited about him and our relationship. I'm excited about our triad dynamic that seems to be coming more naturally and easily to both him and Amylita. I'm just - *excited*.
The flip side of that is excruciating for me sometimes, though. I feel like I'm constantly worried about my shiny wearing off. Ok, *constantly* isn't accurate, but it sure does feel like it. Often I have control over my self esteem issues, but this one - this one waits in the dark corners to pounce on me when I least expect it. You see, I have always been with boys that needed me more than I needed them; therefore, I found myself constantly doing for them. Once I stopped - they split. B doesn't need me. He doesn't need me to do anything for him. (That doesn't stop me from trying, but that's another post.) It's odd to not be jumping through hoops and him stick around. It makes me anxious for the other shoe to drop. I feel like I'm being suspicious and that's not cool.
I know this is a me thing. I know I need to fix it or otherwise I could sabotage a wonderful relationship with a boy. I think it's easier with Amylita because I didn't have anything to base my relationship with her on. It wasn't like there were other women in my life. It was new territory for us both. We had to find our own way instead of falling into the prescribed gender roles - because we had no clue what we were doing. We just knew we loved one another. We knew we wanted to be good to one another. We knew that we wanted to be together. So, that's what we did. I know it sounds like I'm making this harder than it is - and maybe I am - yet it's so powerful sometimes. I don't know how to be when being me is good enough. It hasn't felt like that's been the case too often.
I have got to get this under control.
I'm OK - or am I?
First, I haven't been feeling well the past month or so. Headachy, nauseated, just general ick. Amylita mentioned that her GIRD symptoms were very similar, so I started taking a zantac-ish pill every day the last few days and it seems to be better. I'm trying to start eating like normal people do - i.e. actually eating more than once a day with a few "snacks" peppered in here and there. I just don't feel good. Like in general don't feel good. My body isn't very happy with me and I can't really blame it. I haven't been treating it very well lately. Hopefully the measures I'm taking will help.
Second, I know that when I don't feel well physically I don't feel in tiptop shape emotionally, either. I'm tired. I can't seem to get enough sleep. I've contemplated whether or not I'm depressed or just dealing with the onset of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) like a lot of us experience when the time changes.
Now, that's not to say that I am completely miserable all the time. Quite the contrary. We've been social, I've spent time with my loves, etc. This weekend Amylita and I are heading to Atlanta for a concert. So it's not like I'm all woe is me. I'm trudging through it.
I'm just tired of not feeling well. Period. I wouldn't even know what to tell the doctor was wrong with me. "Uh, I feel like I'm going to hurl at any given moment most of the time and my head hurts." Seriously?
Ugh.
Second, I know that when I don't feel well physically I don't feel in tiptop shape emotionally, either. I'm tired. I can't seem to get enough sleep. I've contemplated whether or not I'm depressed or just dealing with the onset of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) like a lot of us experience when the time changes.
Now, that's not to say that I am completely miserable all the time. Quite the contrary. We've been social, I've spent time with my loves, etc. This weekend Amylita and I are heading to Atlanta for a concert. So it's not like I'm all woe is me. I'm trudging through it.
I'm just tired of not feeling well. Period. I wouldn't even know what to tell the doctor was wrong with me. "Uh, I feel like I'm going to hurl at any given moment most of the time and my head hurts." Seriously?
Ugh.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Out with the old
So, A and I are pagans. Halloween (Samhain) is our New Year. It's also the time when the veil between the worlds is thinnest. We gather to honor our loved ones who have passed on and to turn with the Wheel of the Year.
We also rid ourselves of things we do not need to carry into the new year.
I've blogged about the ex (N). I've lamented the demise of our relationship. I've gone through the painful process of trying to be his friend. I've been angry. I've been sad. I've been disappointed. I've been ambivalent. I'm been indifferent. I've missed him. I've been glad he was gone. Obviously it's been a rollercoaster of emotions.
A few weeks ago after not hearing from him for two weeks or so - even when I contacted him and he wouldn't reply - I finally had to let it go. Actively let it go. Purposefully let it go. I felt like I was putting myself in the position to be disappointed. I was putting myself in the position to experience hurt and anguish and sadness and a whole host of feelings I didn't want or, more importantly, need.
It was so hard to cut that cord. I try to mentally cut cords every morning with the belief that those connections that needed to be there would grow back. Even though I felt like I was cutting it with him - I honestly don't think I ever did becuase I didn't want to. I didn't want to lose that connection. I didn't want to be angry and bitter and jaded about our breakup. I truly wanted to be his friend because I know he needs them. His alcoholism has ruined his relationships with friends, family, etc. I didn't want to be another failed relationship. I wanted to maintain our friendship - because we WERE friends. I miss my friend. I don't miss the chaos of our romantic relationship, but I miss our friendship.
Then it occurred to me that he doesn't know what "friendship" means. I think it's because he's never had a true friend that would stick by him through thick and thin. A friend that would call him on his bullshit. A friend that loved him even when he was being a shit. A friend that tried to show him life didn't have to suck.
The thing is, though, that's a two way street. I think I got tired of it only going one way unless he needed something. Hell - I sent him FOOD when he was hungry because I couldn't send money - he'd just drink it away.
At any rate, I couldn't continue that cycle of being his fair weather friend. I am worthy of and deserve better than that. So, I told him goodbye. I told him good luck. I mailed him one of the last connections to him that I had.
Tonight at our Samhain ritual I am purging myself of taking on his addiction. A found the AA book of meetings for our area for 2011 - when we were together. It will be thrown in the fire tonight and I will let go of the pain and pity I have felt because of him.
Good luck, N. You're going to need it. I'm sorry I had to close that door - yet I had to - for both of us.
We also rid ourselves of things we do not need to carry into the new year.
I've blogged about the ex (N). I've lamented the demise of our relationship. I've gone through the painful process of trying to be his friend. I've been angry. I've been sad. I've been disappointed. I've been ambivalent. I'm been indifferent. I've missed him. I've been glad he was gone. Obviously it's been a rollercoaster of emotions.
A few weeks ago after not hearing from him for two weeks or so - even when I contacted him and he wouldn't reply - I finally had to let it go. Actively let it go. Purposefully let it go. I felt like I was putting myself in the position to be disappointed. I was putting myself in the position to experience hurt and anguish and sadness and a whole host of feelings I didn't want or, more importantly, need.
It was so hard to cut that cord. I try to mentally cut cords every morning with the belief that those connections that needed to be there would grow back. Even though I felt like I was cutting it with him - I honestly don't think I ever did becuase I didn't want to. I didn't want to lose that connection. I didn't want to be angry and bitter and jaded about our breakup. I truly wanted to be his friend because I know he needs them. His alcoholism has ruined his relationships with friends, family, etc. I didn't want to be another failed relationship. I wanted to maintain our friendship - because we WERE friends. I miss my friend. I don't miss the chaos of our romantic relationship, but I miss our friendship.
Then it occurred to me that he doesn't know what "friendship" means. I think it's because he's never had a true friend that would stick by him through thick and thin. A friend that would call him on his bullshit. A friend that loved him even when he was being a shit. A friend that tried to show him life didn't have to suck.
The thing is, though, that's a two way street. I think I got tired of it only going one way unless he needed something. Hell - I sent him FOOD when he was hungry because I couldn't send money - he'd just drink it away.
At any rate, I couldn't continue that cycle of being his fair weather friend. I am worthy of and deserve better than that. So, I told him goodbye. I told him good luck. I mailed him one of the last connections to him that I had.
Tonight at our Samhain ritual I am purging myself of taking on his addiction. A found the AA book of meetings for our area for 2011 - when we were together. It will be thrown in the fire tonight and I will let go of the pain and pity I have felt because of him.
Good luck, N. You're going to need it. I'm sorry I had to close that door - yet I had to - for both of us.
Scheduling
So, B and his wife have worked out a schedule where they alternate weeks with the kids. This seems to be working so far, even though it's only a few weeks in.
The upside is that we get more time together, i.e. we were able to go out of town for the better part of a week and he gets to spend a couple nights every other week at our house. This week - we get him for 4 nights. I am thrilled to death that things are working out this way. I know that some off weeks for him he'll be spending more time in HSV for work, but overall it feels like things are evening out timewise.
A and I are giddy that every other week we get him for a couple nights. It feels like family. It's quality time together. It's just *nice* to come home to one another and know that we can go to sleep and wake up together. I'm so thankful that he chooses to spend some of that time with me. After all, there are other places he could go. I'm glad he feels at home at our house.
This strikes a good balance, I think. We all get to spend time together and I get to spend time alone with each of them. For now - it seems like a regular schedule and I know that it could change, but that's ok. :)
The upside is that we get more time together, i.e. we were able to go out of town for the better part of a week and he gets to spend a couple nights every other week at our house. This week - we get him for 4 nights. I am thrilled to death that things are working out this way. I know that some off weeks for him he'll be spending more time in HSV for work, but overall it feels like things are evening out timewise.
A and I are giddy that every other week we get him for a couple nights. It feels like family. It's quality time together. It's just *nice* to come home to one another and know that we can go to sleep and wake up together. I'm so thankful that he chooses to spend some of that time with me. After all, there are other places he could go. I'm glad he feels at home at our house.
This strikes a good balance, I think. We all get to spend time together and I get to spend time alone with each of them. For now - it seems like a regular schedule and I know that it could change, but that's ok. :)
Monday, October 29, 2012
Happy Monday!
And it is!
Today I am thankful for these things:
1. Love.
Love heals. Love bridges gaps. Love spans miles and time. I am lucky to have an abundance of love in my life. Not just romantic love, mind you. Familial love. Platonic love.
This weekend I had the pleasure of having both loves at a Halloween fundraiser. It was awesome to have them there with me! The costumes were great, it was a smallish crowd (@100 people). Everything went smoothly (we were on the hosting committee). Afterwards we all piled up in bed and talked, laughed, snuggled and drifted off to sleep all tangled up together. It was heavenly.
Sunday we had Coven over to celebrate one of our members' birthday. It was wonderful to have them all in our home. We should have Esbats at our house more often.
Also, B sent the birthday girl a text and it made her day!
Speaking of B - we get him three nights this week! :) And, I'm happy to report that things between he and A are much better. He read my post about it and I've talked with A and things are on the right path! * squee *
2. Health
I haven't been feeling so hot lately - just headache/nausea. I'm sure it's the weather change. I've been a little bitter about it, though, and got a healthy dose of perspective.
My mother is dealing with some conflicting meds that are making her dizzy/drunk and as a result she's fallen like 5 times in the last couple weeks. This is particularly troublesome since she has osteoporosis and lives alone. She refuses to wear her medalert thingee, too.
She's scaled back on some of the heavy duty meds until we can get her evaluated by an independent physician. That seems to be helping, but we still need to figure out what her meds/med schedule needs to be to prevent the dizziness.
Also, last night B's father was admitted to the hospital for some testing that thankfully came out all clear. He's still in the hospital with the hopes to get his infection under control.
3. Having a job
The last couple weeks have been trying at work. I think we've hashed some things out, so I'm thankful to still have a job. Haha!
That is all - for now.
Today I am thankful for these things:
1. Love.
Love heals. Love bridges gaps. Love spans miles and time. I am lucky to have an abundance of love in my life. Not just romantic love, mind you. Familial love. Platonic love.
This weekend I had the pleasure of having both loves at a Halloween fundraiser. It was awesome to have them there with me! The costumes were great, it was a smallish crowd (@100 people). Everything went smoothly (we were on the hosting committee). Afterwards we all piled up in bed and talked, laughed, snuggled and drifted off to sleep all tangled up together. It was heavenly.
Sunday we had Coven over to celebrate one of our members' birthday. It was wonderful to have them all in our home. We should have Esbats at our house more often.
Also, B sent the birthday girl a text and it made her day!
Speaking of B - we get him three nights this week! :) And, I'm happy to report that things between he and A are much better. He read my post about it and I've talked with A and things are on the right path! * squee *
2. Health
I haven't been feeling so hot lately - just headache/nausea. I'm sure it's the weather change. I've been a little bitter about it, though, and got a healthy dose of perspective.
My mother is dealing with some conflicting meds that are making her dizzy/drunk and as a result she's fallen like 5 times in the last couple weeks. This is particularly troublesome since she has osteoporosis and lives alone. She refuses to wear her medalert thingee, too.
She's scaled back on some of the heavy duty meds until we can get her evaluated by an independent physician. That seems to be helping, but we still need to figure out what her meds/med schedule needs to be to prevent the dizziness.
Also, last night B's father was admitted to the hospital for some testing that thankfully came out all clear. He's still in the hospital with the hopes to get his infection under control.
3. Having a job
The last couple weeks have been trying at work. I think we've hashed some things out, so I'm thankful to still have a job. Haha!
That is all - for now.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Some of the things...
That mean *something* to us may be silly and arbitrary to others, yet they still mean something.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Meh.
Not feeling so hot today. Had a headache since yesterday. I blame the weather.
In other news - B spent two nights with us last week. We all piled up in bed and snuggled and played cards and laughed and geeked out. It was really awesome spending time together the three of us. :)
A's doing much, much better since her meds have been adjusted. I am so thankful for that. We're in a pretty good place right now. :)
I'm becoming much more aware of just what an integral part of my life and our lives B is. That does scare me a little. I have abandonment issues. The ones we love have the ability to hurt us the most. It's not that I walk around guarded. In fact, it's the opposite. I am a jump in with both feet kinda girl. (As an aside, I find it amusing that B told me I was "cautious".) I love fiercely and seemingly fearlessly; however, on the inside I have my moments. It's not that I'm afraid of loving. It's not that I'm afraid of being loved. I'm afraid of it ending. I'm afraid of not being good enough or worth the work that relationships take. I would really like for this not to govern my actions, but, unfortunately sometimes it does. I try to catch myself and stop the loop that plays in my head. Most of the time I am successful.
Anyway, after spending time with him I miss him more. I want him more. I want to be near him more. It's not that I want more FROM him. He's amazing and wonderful and treats me well - just like A does. I just...miss him when he's not there. I miss either of my loves when they're not there. I like to think that's a good thing.
In other news - B spent two nights with us last week. We all piled up in bed and snuggled and played cards and laughed and geeked out. It was really awesome spending time together the three of us. :)
A's doing much, much better since her meds have been adjusted. I am so thankful for that. We're in a pretty good place right now. :)
I'm becoming much more aware of just what an integral part of my life and our lives B is. That does scare me a little. I have abandonment issues. The ones we love have the ability to hurt us the most. It's not that I walk around guarded. In fact, it's the opposite. I am a jump in with both feet kinda girl. (As an aside, I find it amusing that B told me I was "cautious".) I love fiercely and seemingly fearlessly; however, on the inside I have my moments. It's not that I'm afraid of loving. It's not that I'm afraid of being loved. I'm afraid of it ending. I'm afraid of not being good enough or worth the work that relationships take. I would really like for this not to govern my actions, but, unfortunately sometimes it does. I try to catch myself and stop the loop that plays in my head. Most of the time I am successful.
Anyway, after spending time with him I miss him more. I want him more. I want to be near him more. It's not that I want more FROM him. He's amazing and wonderful and treats me well - just like A does. I just...miss him when he's not there. I miss either of my loves when they're not there. I like to think that's a good thing.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Change is inevitible, right?
So, B has two phone calls with potential new employers this weekend. One in Atlanta and the other is really far away.
He's scared. It'd be a big change for him.
I'm scared. It'd be hard to let him go.
I've tried long distance relationships before and they just don't seem to work for me. * sigh *
My first instinct is flight. Rational or irrational, it is what it is. I don't want to be surprised. I don't want to have to endure the torturous countdown until he leaves.
Of course, it could be a moot point, right? I mean, he's got a lot of things to consider, i.e. his children and how that would impact them, his ex wife and how that would work out with the kids, etc.
Also, I cannot tell him that if he had to move that might mean our romantic relationship would end. That's selfish and not fair. I WANT him to be happy and fulfilled in his job. I WANT him to do what's best for his family. The thing is - I'm not part of his family and therefore I feel like I don't have any say in this whatsoever. (And that's how it should be.)
Patience, grasshopper.
The waiting is the hardest part.
Fuck.
p.s. The Atlanta gig would allow him to work mostly from home. The other interview rubbed him the wrong way. While it's not even remotely a possibility that he'd move anytime soon - it's still something I needed to ponder and get out of my head. I'm a worrier. What can I say? * sigh *
p.p.s. Just got word from B that it fell through because they want someone inhouse. I hate that for him. I know he was excited about the prospect. Meh.
He's scared. It'd be a big change for him.
I'm scared. It'd be hard to let him go.
I've tried long distance relationships before and they just don't seem to work for me. * sigh *
My first instinct is flight. Rational or irrational, it is what it is. I don't want to be surprised. I don't want to have to endure the torturous countdown until he leaves.
Of course, it could be a moot point, right? I mean, he's got a lot of things to consider, i.e. his children and how that would impact them, his ex wife and how that would work out with the kids, etc.
Also, I cannot tell him that if he had to move that might mean our romantic relationship would end. That's selfish and not fair. I WANT him to be happy and fulfilled in his job. I WANT him to do what's best for his family. The thing is - I'm not part of his family and therefore I feel like I don't have any say in this whatsoever. (And that's how it should be.)
Patience, grasshopper.
The waiting is the hardest part.
Fuck.
p.s. The Atlanta gig would allow him to work mostly from home. The other interview rubbed him the wrong way. While it's not even remotely a possibility that he'd move anytime soon - it's still something I needed to ponder and get out of my head. I'm a worrier. What can I say? * sigh *
p.p.s. Just got word from B that it fell through because they want someone inhouse. I hate that for him. I know he was excited about the prospect. Meh.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Tucking Her Away
I've mentioned before my interest in BDSM. I do consider myself "practicing"; however, I have come to a fork in the road.
See, I thought B was interested in it, too. I thought we could explore it together (and we have done some exploring). It has come to my attention that he's not really into it, well, most aspects of it.
I have put my foot in my mouth about it on more than one occasion and I fear it's made him uncomfortable and I know it's made me feel like an idiot. I mean, really, who wants to be in the awkward position of saying "You know, I'm really not into that." and who wants to be in the position to hear that?
So, the only thing I know to do is tuck Her away. For years I had put Her in a little box and didn't dare let Her out. I don't want to risk imposing my kink on B ever again, and, while it might sound a little drastic, making that part of myself go away ensures that I won't make the same mistake(s).
I'm mildly concerned about the impact it's going to have on our sexual interactions. Right now I feel extremely guarded and unsure of what is and isn't appropriate. I've been replaying almost every interaction we have had and wondering if my behavior was offputting or not. That contemplation is scary.
I like to think I'm good at vanilla relationships. I just think it's going to take a minute to transition from my current mindset. Hopefully B will be patient with me while I figure it out. If not...well, it will be what it will be.
Am I sad? Yes. I feel like a fool. I was operating under different information. Regardless of "fault", feelings are still feelings and they're not right or wrong. I feel horrible at the prospect that I potentially forced things on him that he didn't want. I am embarrassed. I feel almost like the butt of a joke.
Am I angry? No. We like what we like and we don't like what we don't like. I just feel like I'm not on stable ground right now. I don't know what's OK and what's not OK. All I know to do is try to completely erase that from my relationship repertoire with B. I don't know what that means for us, honestly. I don't want to be inhibited, yet I'm afraid that's what will happen.
My ex husband forced me to give Her up. B's not forcing me to do anything. I just feel like that's my best option. Self preservation and all.
The toys have been removed. I find that if I can do a physical act I can correlate it in my brain.
I bid you adieu, Ma'am. Perhaps we will meet again.
See, I thought B was interested in it, too. I thought we could explore it together (and we have done some exploring). It has come to my attention that he's not really into it, well, most aspects of it.
I have put my foot in my mouth about it on more than one occasion and I fear it's made him uncomfortable and I know it's made me feel like an idiot. I mean, really, who wants to be in the awkward position of saying "You know, I'm really not into that." and who wants to be in the position to hear that?
So, the only thing I know to do is tuck Her away. For years I had put Her in a little box and didn't dare let Her out. I don't want to risk imposing my kink on B ever again, and, while it might sound a little drastic, making that part of myself go away ensures that I won't make the same mistake(s).
I'm mildly concerned about the impact it's going to have on our sexual interactions. Right now I feel extremely guarded and unsure of what is and isn't appropriate. I've been replaying almost every interaction we have had and wondering if my behavior was offputting or not. That contemplation is scary.
I like to think I'm good at vanilla relationships. I just think it's going to take a minute to transition from my current mindset. Hopefully B will be patient with me while I figure it out. If not...well, it will be what it will be.
Am I sad? Yes. I feel like a fool. I was operating under different information. Regardless of "fault", feelings are still feelings and they're not right or wrong. I feel horrible at the prospect that I potentially forced things on him that he didn't want. I am embarrassed. I feel almost like the butt of a joke.
Am I angry? No. We like what we like and we don't like what we don't like. I just feel like I'm not on stable ground right now. I don't know what's OK and what's not OK. All I know to do is try to completely erase that from my relationship repertoire with B. I don't know what that means for us, honestly. I don't want to be inhibited, yet I'm afraid that's what will happen.
My ex husband forced me to give Her up. B's not forcing me to do anything. I just feel like that's my best option. Self preservation and all.
The toys have been removed. I find that if I can do a physical act I can correlate it in my brain.
I bid you adieu, Ma'am. Perhaps we will meet again.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Interrelational Dynamics
So, it dawned on me that I've been seeing B for about 8 months now. The time has flown by and at the same time I feel like we've lived a lifetime in those short months.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the relationship A and B have. It feels a little artificial to me (and maybe "artificial" isn't the right term). It seems like they are both still worried about stepping on one another's toes that it stifles their relationship dynamic.
When I talk to A about it she's all "it's whatever level B's comfortable with." The hitch there is that she doesn't *know* what B's comfort level is because they haven't talked about it. I know B wants to be friends with her. I know he doesn't want to make her uncomfortable, either.
So, the result is that this issue is making *me* uncomfortable. I have tried to encourage A to reach out to B and try to be friends with him - like *real* friends. I don't want to be the middle man. I don't want to be the tie that binds. I want them to be friends in their own rights. Independent of me.
Why do I think A should reach out to B? Well, in all honesty I think that it might be harder for B since he entered into mine and A's already established relationship.
It just hurts my heart that they both still have a level of awkwardness between them. I am not trying to force a relationship there. I just don't think it has to be as awkward as it is.
Of course, after talking with A about it - apparently it's my fault that she doesn't know what's "appropriate".
Will there ever be a day when everything can just be OK? A day where I don't have to explain away the awkwardness, a day where I don't have to be the middle man or the mediator or the glue, a day where I can just be with my loves and be able to breathe without having to worry and they can just be themselves, too.
I'm beginning to think that I am the only one who even cares about it and that makes me more sad. A thinks everything's fine. B thinks A is just weird like that. Sometimes I just want to run away from all of it and be by myself.
I feel like I have to do it all and they don't realize it's running me into the ground.
Do other poly people have these issues? Surely they do, right?
I've been thinking a lot lately about the relationship A and B have. It feels a little artificial to me (and maybe "artificial" isn't the right term). It seems like they are both still worried about stepping on one another's toes that it stifles their relationship dynamic.
When I talk to A about it she's all "it's whatever level B's comfortable with." The hitch there is that she doesn't *know* what B's comfort level is because they haven't talked about it. I know B wants to be friends with her. I know he doesn't want to make her uncomfortable, either.
So, the result is that this issue is making *me* uncomfortable. I have tried to encourage A to reach out to B and try to be friends with him - like *real* friends. I don't want to be the middle man. I don't want to be the tie that binds. I want them to be friends in their own rights. Independent of me.
Why do I think A should reach out to B? Well, in all honesty I think that it might be harder for B since he entered into mine and A's already established relationship.
It just hurts my heart that they both still have a level of awkwardness between them. I am not trying to force a relationship there. I just don't think it has to be as awkward as it is.
Of course, after talking with A about it - apparently it's my fault that she doesn't know what's "appropriate".
Will there ever be a day when everything can just be OK? A day where I don't have to explain away the awkwardness, a day where I don't have to be the middle man or the mediator or the glue, a day where I can just be with my loves and be able to breathe without having to worry and they can just be themselves, too.
I'm beginning to think that I am the only one who even cares about it and that makes me more sad. A thinks everything's fine. B thinks A is just weird like that. Sometimes I just want to run away from all of it and be by myself.
I feel like I have to do it all and they don't realize it's running me into the ground.
Do other poly people have these issues? Surely they do, right?
Monday, September 24, 2012
Great concert!
So, B's favorite band (or at least one of them) is Pearl Jam.
A few months ago when my mother was in her car wreck we were driving back from Athens, GA and he mentioned that they were going to be at Music Midtown in Atlanta. I asked if he'd like to go and of course he said yes. So, that's what we did. A loves to help me plan things like this - so she was all over it. Booked the hotel and got the tickets and then all we had to do was wait for the date.
It seemed like an eternity and then it was only a week away, then only a few days away and then OMG! It's here!
B was SO EXCITED. I cannot tell you how awesome and wonderful it was to just see him like that, let alone be WITH him. He was jumping around and singing his heart out and the crowd was so energized - it was just an all around amazing time with him. My favorite part was seeing him so excited. I mean, I like Pearl Jam and all, don't get me wrong. I am just not as passionate as he is about them. I didn't realize he'd never seen them in concert before and that just made it extra special. Doing that for him made me feel all warm and fuzzy.
I am so thankful for him. He is so good to me.
I have an issue with large crowds of drunk people. It causes me some anxiety. Throughout the show B was checking in with me, asking me if I was ok, standing behind me and making sure I knew he was there. I am happy to report that in a sea of 50,000 people it was almost as if he and I were the only ones there.
I am so thankful for A. She is also so very good to me. It was so nice to be able to chat with her and tell her how much fun we were having and her be excited for us. She has no idea how special that is to me. I enjoyed chatting with her Sunday morning while B slept. I enjoyed texting with her at random times while we were gone. I enjoyed being able to call her up and just hold the phone out so she could hear the show. I just love her. Simply put.
So, it was a great weekend, to say the least.
In 8 DAYS B and I head off to a cabin for a few days. It's going to be similarly awesome! I am bummed that A cannot go as this was originally planned a trip for the three of us to Vegas. Boo.
A few months ago when my mother was in her car wreck we were driving back from Athens, GA and he mentioned that they were going to be at Music Midtown in Atlanta. I asked if he'd like to go and of course he said yes. So, that's what we did. A loves to help me plan things like this - so she was all over it. Booked the hotel and got the tickets and then all we had to do was wait for the date.
It seemed like an eternity and then it was only a week away, then only a few days away and then OMG! It's here!
B was SO EXCITED. I cannot tell you how awesome and wonderful it was to just see him like that, let alone be WITH him. He was jumping around and singing his heart out and the crowd was so energized - it was just an all around amazing time with him. My favorite part was seeing him so excited. I mean, I like Pearl Jam and all, don't get me wrong. I am just not as passionate as he is about them. I didn't realize he'd never seen them in concert before and that just made it extra special. Doing that for him made me feel all warm and fuzzy.
I am so thankful for him. He is so good to me.
I have an issue with large crowds of drunk people. It causes me some anxiety. Throughout the show B was checking in with me, asking me if I was ok, standing behind me and making sure I knew he was there. I am happy to report that in a sea of 50,000 people it was almost as if he and I were the only ones there.
I am so thankful for A. She is also so very good to me. It was so nice to be able to chat with her and tell her how much fun we were having and her be excited for us. She has no idea how special that is to me. I enjoyed chatting with her Sunday morning while B slept. I enjoyed texting with her at random times while we were gone. I enjoyed being able to call her up and just hold the phone out so she could hear the show. I just love her. Simply put.
So, it was a great weekend, to say the least.
In 8 DAYS B and I head off to a cabin for a few days. It's going to be similarly awesome! I am bummed that A cannot go as this was originally planned a trip for the three of us to Vegas. Boo.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
What you thought was a hurricane...
...was just the rushing of the wind.
Wheeeeeeeeee. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions lately.
A while back the three of us decided to take a trip to Vegas for a wedding. Unfortunately, A's work schedule kinda put that on the skids.
So, I asked B if he'd still like to go somewhere since we'd already asked for the time off. He said sure.
We have rented a cabin in the mountains for three nights and I'm really excited that we can go have that time together. And, I feel bad because A cannot go. I know she is envious (not jealous, mind you) and I hate it. It's difficult to be excited and bummed at the same time.
She's reassured me that yes, while she is envious - it doesn't mean she's not supportive and excited for us to be able to get away for a few consecutive days (something B and I don't have often). It's hard to trust that given that most people don't really mean what they say. I just have to trust her that she's being honest with me about her feelings.
We will definitely take a three person trip SOON. It may have to be after the holidays, though.
Sometimes navigating multiple relationship dynamics is hard, but I am so grateful to have both my loves in my life.
Wheeeeeeeeee. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions lately.
A while back the three of us decided to take a trip to Vegas for a wedding. Unfortunately, A's work schedule kinda put that on the skids.
So, I asked B if he'd still like to go somewhere since we'd already asked for the time off. He said sure.
We have rented a cabin in the mountains for three nights and I'm really excited that we can go have that time together. And, I feel bad because A cannot go. I know she is envious (not jealous, mind you) and I hate it. It's difficult to be excited and bummed at the same time.
She's reassured me that yes, while she is envious - it doesn't mean she's not supportive and excited for us to be able to get away for a few consecutive days (something B and I don't have often). It's hard to trust that given that most people don't really mean what they say. I just have to trust her that she's being honest with me about her feelings.
We will definitely take a three person trip SOON. It may have to be after the holidays, though.
Sometimes navigating multiple relationship dynamics is hard, but I am so grateful to have both my loves in my life.
Monday, September 17, 2012
One More Saturday Night
I know life is filled with miscommunications galore, yet I always hate when it happens to me, especially with something I've said.
B had a trying week with the in-laws. Like they were harassing him and his family wanting to know what was going on. Evidently someone in their lives has been feeding the in-laws information about what's going on between he and his wife. * sigh * Why can't people just mind their own business. When it's time for people to know - they'll know. Ideally.
I didn't see B on Friday. Saturday he texted me and said he was restless and wanted to go out and do something. I threw out a handful of options - including going out somewhere. A and I aren't huge going out types when we're together. It's one of those instances where it's not fun to go out if you're not going to enjoy it and going out with someone who enjoys it is a much happier experience. B likes to go out and I am afraid I conveyed something incorrectly to him. He knows we're not huge going out types; however, I think I inadequately conveyed that I didn't like going out *period*. A lot of that stems from the fact that Amy and I aren't drinkers - like we used to not drink * at all*. In the last few months, though, we've been revisiting that and have nightly beers and the like. Going out isn't all that scary when you can actually fit in. A and I have been out several times in the last few months and had a good time together.
So, he was going out. I got pissy because I felt like I wasn't welcomed or included. I was a little passive aggressive and in hindsight that is something I am going to have to deal with. I did apologize. I felt like he didn't go out because I had a little episode and that bothers me more than anything. I want him to live his life and do what he wants to do and be happy. I know he wants the same for me.
A little later we did get that part ironed out. I explained to him that while it may not be mine and A's thing that doesn't mean it couldn't be mine and B's thing. He enjoys going out. I enjoy spending time with him *regardless* - just like I do with A.
He said he was lonely and wanted to be reckless. I am not quite sure what reckless means in this situation, but I feel terribly boring. I know I'm boring and I'm ok with it. I just wish I was more "vibrant" - I suppose. That may not even be the right word for it.
At any rate, though, I have an opportunity this weekend to cut loose and show him I'm not a stick in the mud. Maybe I can adequately convey that.
B had a trying week with the in-laws. Like they were harassing him and his family wanting to know what was going on. Evidently someone in their lives has been feeding the in-laws information about what's going on between he and his wife. * sigh * Why can't people just mind their own business. When it's time for people to know - they'll know. Ideally.
I didn't see B on Friday. Saturday he texted me and said he was restless and wanted to go out and do something. I threw out a handful of options - including going out somewhere. A and I aren't huge going out types when we're together. It's one of those instances where it's not fun to go out if you're not going to enjoy it and going out with someone who enjoys it is a much happier experience. B likes to go out and I am afraid I conveyed something incorrectly to him. He knows we're not huge going out types; however, I think I inadequately conveyed that I didn't like going out *period*. A lot of that stems from the fact that Amy and I aren't drinkers - like we used to not drink * at all*. In the last few months, though, we've been revisiting that and have nightly beers and the like. Going out isn't all that scary when you can actually fit in. A and I have been out several times in the last few months and had a good time together.
So, he was going out. I got pissy because I felt like I wasn't welcomed or included. I was a little passive aggressive and in hindsight that is something I am going to have to deal with. I did apologize. I felt like he didn't go out because I had a little episode and that bothers me more than anything. I want him to live his life and do what he wants to do and be happy. I know he wants the same for me.
A little later we did get that part ironed out. I explained to him that while it may not be mine and A's thing that doesn't mean it couldn't be mine and B's thing. He enjoys going out. I enjoy spending time with him *regardless* - just like I do with A.
He said he was lonely and wanted to be reckless. I am not quite sure what reckless means in this situation, but I feel terribly boring. I know I'm boring and I'm ok with it. I just wish I was more "vibrant" - I suppose. That may not even be the right word for it.
At any rate, though, I have an opportunity this weekend to cut loose and show him I'm not a stick in the mud. Maybe I can adequately convey that.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Last night...
B was able to spend the night and I always treasure those times. Well, I treasure any time I spend with him. I especially like the time the three of us spend together. We had dinner and played cards and laughed and just had a generally good time.
A went to bed and B and I stayed up a little after. I don't know how or why this is, but there's no plan when we're together as far as sex goes, yet we find ourselves in sexual situations. Last night, though, it wasn't sexual at all, but it was so erotic.
It's no secret that I am a sadist. I'm also a little masochistic, but that's another story for another day.
I was commenting to B that I thought he needed a good whippin' and asked if I could get out the flogger(s). He obliged me and I gingerly retrieved a leather one first. He says it's relaxing. I started out slow and light just so he could get a feel for the leather and then it was on. Harder and harder alternating between those and slow, light strokes and then again with the harder. I like the element of surprise. I like when that guard is let down and then I can snap them back to the present.
B has bouts of inappropriate laughter. It's almost as if he's taunting me to give him more. So, I went and got one that has little rubber tendrels, almost like spaghetti. It packs quite a sting. Again with the slow and light and then harder....and harder.
Occasionally he'd flinch, arch his back, flail his hands a little and start cussing. And then he was deathly quiet. When I felt like it was done I stopped and enveloped him in my arms and held him. We moved to the sofa and snuggled up. I stroked his hair and told him how good he was and how very much I loved him.
I think that was the first time I've taken him to that place.
More, please.
A went to bed and B and I stayed up a little after. I don't know how or why this is, but there's no plan when we're together as far as sex goes, yet we find ourselves in sexual situations. Last night, though, it wasn't sexual at all, but it was so erotic.
It's no secret that I am a sadist. I'm also a little masochistic, but that's another story for another day.
I was commenting to B that I thought he needed a good whippin' and asked if I could get out the flogger(s). He obliged me and I gingerly retrieved a leather one first. He says it's relaxing. I started out slow and light just so he could get a feel for the leather and then it was on. Harder and harder alternating between those and slow, light strokes and then again with the harder. I like the element of surprise. I like when that guard is let down and then I can snap them back to the present.
B has bouts of inappropriate laughter. It's almost as if he's taunting me to give him more. So, I went and got one that has little rubber tendrels, almost like spaghetti. It packs quite a sting. Again with the slow and light and then harder....and harder.
Occasionally he'd flinch, arch his back, flail his hands a little and start cussing. And then he was deathly quiet. When I felt like it was done I stopped and enveloped him in my arms and held him. We moved to the sofa and snuggled up. I stroked his hair and told him how good he was and how very much I loved him.
I think that was the first time I've taken him to that place.
More, please.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Well, aren't I chatty today?
So, another development has to do with N, a/k/a "The Boy".
He left in January of this year and it was a really hard thing for me to deal with. Of course, I shouldn't be surprised. I have this odd way of subconsciously seeking out boys who need me more than I need them due to an abandonment complex. And you know what usually ends up happening? THEY LEAVE.
This one hit me hard, though. He was family. We had family portraits made - the three of us. We've never done that before. He showed himself to be an alcoholic and we tried to help him and support him. It was just a lot of emotional and physical investment and then it all went to shit because he was a coward. Still, though, it took a lot out of me.
I've tried being friends with him, but I think it's been to my own detriment. I feel pity for him. I love him and yet when I talk to him I hang up and I know he feels better because he knows someone loves him and I feel worse because it just hits home the reality that his life isn't going to be happy unless he does something about his addiction.
We go through this cycle - we talk a lot for a few weeks or so and then he stops returning my texts. I used to flip out when he'd do that and I tried to rationalize that it was because I was worried about him - like genuine worry. I don't know that's entirely true, though. I guess I thought that it was my only connection to him - through words.
He's visited a few times since he left and they've been good visits. It's been nice to see my friend again. Spending time together just being friends. It's always bittersweet, though. I know he has to leave and go back to the life he's created. * sigh *
Recently, though, and this is a good thing in my opinion, I think I've finally learned to just let it go. Let it be organic. If he doesn't want to talk to me - that has to be ok and I don't have to obsess about *why* he's not talking to me. He doesn't like to talk to me when he's drinking, so I know that is part of it, but other than that I just have to let it go. I cannot make someone a priority in my life if I'm not a priority in theirs. Not anymore. It hurts too much to be genuine and real and raw and have someone throw it in your face.
So, he went to Hawaii on August 13 for 3 weeks. I didn't talk to him while he was there save for one time on the phone and that was when I was freaking out about A possibly having Lupus. He said he'd call and he didn't. I didn't text while he was gone because I wanted to a) let him have a good time on vacation and b) ween myself off frequent contact with him. And it was finally ok. I didn't worry and the times I did think about it - well, the bittersweetness and disappointment was fleeting.
He got back a week or so ago and I DID text him and say that I hoped he had fun and had a safe flight home. No answer. That was fine.
We got the news that A doesn't have Lupus (YAY!) and I texted him with that news. He immediately responded and we shot the shit for a few lines and then I was like "Well, take care...." and it was funny to see him back pedal. He was all "don't turn your back on me" and shit. I explained that I knew he was busy, etc. So then he calls me. We talk for a bit and I got upset and started crying and I couldn't hide it. It makes me so sad to contemplate what life has in store for him on his present course. My father was an alcoholic and killed himself and I cannot tell you how many times N has said similar things.
This time, though, it was different. I was crying because I was relieved at finally being able to see it exactly for what it is and stop holding on to the person I want him to be. The person I thought he was. The person I know HE wants to be.
Then - the oddest thing happened. He asked after B. He asked if he was treating me well. I never felt so shitty answering "yes" to that question as I did in that moment. All things considered, my life is pretty fucking awesome. I mean, yeah, I have my ups and downs like everyone else, but it's not a constant, daily struggle to just be ok. I could tell it bothered N to hear it - not like angry bothered, but just kinda sounded bummed. And then he told me he was so lonely, that he missed me and A so much, and I cried some more. It's funny, just when I think I've run out of tears for him there's always more.
He's been pretty communicative over the last day or so, but I don't think that will last long. I think I am finally in that place where it'll be ok regardless.
He says he is moving to Hawaii in December and I hope he does. I hope he finds *something* or *somewhere* that makes him happy, even though I know it's not possible until he can be happy with himself. *sigh*
He said he lost the ring I gave him in the ocean. How's that for symbolism?
He left in January of this year and it was a really hard thing for me to deal with. Of course, I shouldn't be surprised. I have this odd way of subconsciously seeking out boys who need me more than I need them due to an abandonment complex. And you know what usually ends up happening? THEY LEAVE.
This one hit me hard, though. He was family. We had family portraits made - the three of us. We've never done that before. He showed himself to be an alcoholic and we tried to help him and support him. It was just a lot of emotional and physical investment and then it all went to shit because he was a coward. Still, though, it took a lot out of me.
I've tried being friends with him, but I think it's been to my own detriment. I feel pity for him. I love him and yet when I talk to him I hang up and I know he feels better because he knows someone loves him and I feel worse because it just hits home the reality that his life isn't going to be happy unless he does something about his addiction.
We go through this cycle - we talk a lot for a few weeks or so and then he stops returning my texts. I used to flip out when he'd do that and I tried to rationalize that it was because I was worried about him - like genuine worry. I don't know that's entirely true, though. I guess I thought that it was my only connection to him - through words.
He's visited a few times since he left and they've been good visits. It's been nice to see my friend again. Spending time together just being friends. It's always bittersweet, though. I know he has to leave and go back to the life he's created. * sigh *
Recently, though, and this is a good thing in my opinion, I think I've finally learned to just let it go. Let it be organic. If he doesn't want to talk to me - that has to be ok and I don't have to obsess about *why* he's not talking to me. He doesn't like to talk to me when he's drinking, so I know that is part of it, but other than that I just have to let it go. I cannot make someone a priority in my life if I'm not a priority in theirs. Not anymore. It hurts too much to be genuine and real and raw and have someone throw it in your face.
So, he went to Hawaii on August 13 for 3 weeks. I didn't talk to him while he was there save for one time on the phone and that was when I was freaking out about A possibly having Lupus. He said he'd call and he didn't. I didn't text while he was gone because I wanted to a) let him have a good time on vacation and b) ween myself off frequent contact with him. And it was finally ok. I didn't worry and the times I did think about it - well, the bittersweetness and disappointment was fleeting.
He got back a week or so ago and I DID text him and say that I hoped he had fun and had a safe flight home. No answer. That was fine.
We got the news that A doesn't have Lupus (YAY!) and I texted him with that news. He immediately responded and we shot the shit for a few lines and then I was like "Well, take care...." and it was funny to see him back pedal. He was all "don't turn your back on me" and shit. I explained that I knew he was busy, etc. So then he calls me. We talk for a bit and I got upset and started crying and I couldn't hide it. It makes me so sad to contemplate what life has in store for him on his present course. My father was an alcoholic and killed himself and I cannot tell you how many times N has said similar things.
This time, though, it was different. I was crying because I was relieved at finally being able to see it exactly for what it is and stop holding on to the person I want him to be. The person I thought he was. The person I know HE wants to be.
Then - the oddest thing happened. He asked after B. He asked if he was treating me well. I never felt so shitty answering "yes" to that question as I did in that moment. All things considered, my life is pretty fucking awesome. I mean, yeah, I have my ups and downs like everyone else, but it's not a constant, daily struggle to just be ok. I could tell it bothered N to hear it - not like angry bothered, but just kinda sounded bummed. And then he told me he was so lonely, that he missed me and A so much, and I cried some more. It's funny, just when I think I've run out of tears for him there's always more.
He's been pretty communicative over the last day or so, but I don't think that will last long. I think I am finally in that place where it'll be ok regardless.
He says he is moving to Hawaii in December and I hope he does. I hope he finds *something* or *somewhere* that makes him happy, even though I know it's not possible until he can be happy with himself. *sigh*
He said he lost the ring I gave him in the ocean. How's that for symbolism?
Saying Too Much
I'm really trying to listen more and talk less, especially when it comes to B's situation with his wife. Sometimes I fail miserably, though. I get "riled up" about it because I feel like he's being taken advantage of.
I get that he has to bide his time. She's kinda lost her mind and he's afraid she'll take some of the kids and he certainly doesn't want the courts to decide when they can see either of them. I don't want that for them, either. Packing up kids for the weekend, all the back and forth - just not a good scene.
Things are slow moving. He says he just wants to stop living lies and move on. I feel like in order to effectuate change he's going to have to *do* something because obviously she's convinced herself that it's ok as it is.
It's just a horrible mess and last night I think I crossed a line because I was bluntly honest. I feel horrible about it. I immediately apologized; however, once we say something it's not ours anymore. I can't take it back.
Listen more. Talk less.
I get that he has to bide his time. She's kinda lost her mind and he's afraid she'll take some of the kids and he certainly doesn't want the courts to decide when they can see either of them. I don't want that for them, either. Packing up kids for the weekend, all the back and forth - just not a good scene.
Things are slow moving. He says he just wants to stop living lies and move on. I feel like in order to effectuate change he's going to have to *do* something because obviously she's convinced herself that it's ok as it is.
It's just a horrible mess and last night I think I crossed a line because I was bluntly honest. I feel horrible about it. I immediately apologized; however, once we say something it's not ours anymore. I can't take it back.
Listen more. Talk less.
Safer Sex Talk
So, a couple nights ago B and I talked about my "take condoms" comment and how he knew I was teasing him.
I confessed that I was *mostly* teasing him, but there was a serious element to it, too. This was the perfect time to have the safer sex talk.
I explained that I'd prefer it if he were to be with someone else that he wear condoms. He totally understood and agreed. I told him it was a deal breaker. And it is.
He told me that if were ever to have sex with someone else it would be a big deal for him and something we'd talk about *together*. He wouldn't just spring it on me. That was very reassuring and I was so thankful that he actually vocalized it.
I told him that I had a brief moment of panic when he said he was going out to meet up with T. I also told him that I was more comfortable with entering into a relationship with an OSO if they already had an OSO as opposed to them acquiring one while we were dating. I made sure he understood that I wasn't trying to lay down any rules or anything, that I would most definitely try to deal with my issues should that arise. He understood why I felt that way. In the mono world when another person enters the picture someone always has to leave. It's just how we're conditioned.
I am really lucky to have a partner who will actually talk to me about things. A, my wife, and I are constantly communicating and it's nice to have a boy in my life that's communicative, too.
I confessed that I was *mostly* teasing him, but there was a serious element to it, too. This was the perfect time to have the safer sex talk.
I explained that I'd prefer it if he were to be with someone else that he wear condoms. He totally understood and agreed. I told him it was a deal breaker. And it is.
He told me that if were ever to have sex with someone else it would be a big deal for him and something we'd talk about *together*. He wouldn't just spring it on me. That was very reassuring and I was so thankful that he actually vocalized it.
I told him that I had a brief moment of panic when he said he was going out to meet up with T. I also told him that I was more comfortable with entering into a relationship with an OSO if they already had an OSO as opposed to them acquiring one while we were dating. I made sure he understood that I wasn't trying to lay down any rules or anything, that I would most definitely try to deal with my issues should that arise. He understood why I felt that way. In the mono world when another person enters the picture someone always has to leave. It's just how we're conditioned.
I am really lucky to have a partner who will actually talk to me about things. A, my wife, and I are constantly communicating and it's nice to have a boy in my life that's communicative, too.
Monday, September 10, 2012
OSOs with OSOs
First, all seems to be going pretty well, all things considered.
B is trying to work out separation matters with his wife. I know this is a very trying time for him and I feel a little helpless. All I can do is listen and be supportive - and patient. I've been learning a lot about patience over the last few months, which is a good thing. I've never been good at that. Hopefully, I'm improving.
My general moods have been improving, too. I don't know if it was just a temporary funk I was in or if my meds needed adjusting or what, but I'm happy to report that I'm not in the same low place anymore.
Now, on to the topic.
I've always had an easier time with an OSO who already had an existing OSO as opposed to gaining another OSO while we are together. I know it's totally a me thing as it touches on some inadequacy issues that are all mine. Still, though, it is what it is.
So, B has this friend who was/is? a FWB (T) prior to us meeting. I have no issues with that at all. Our lives are a jumble of experiences that contribute to the people we are today and without those we wouldn't be the same, obviously. I think we've all had "friends with benefits" and they definitely fill needs and I certainly understand and appreciate that.
I had a glorious Friday night with B. He stayed the night and didn't have to rush off Saturday morning. I always cherish those times when we can go to sleep together and wake up without having to rush off to work and the like.
Saturday evening A and I had a birthday esbat for one of our covenmates that ran until 10 pm or so. B and I were texting when it was over and he said T had invited him out for a drink. I was mostly teasing when I said "Take condoms!" to which he replied "It's just a drink." We haven't really had the safer sex with others talk, which is why it was "mostly teasing."
Even though I rationally knew it was ok, that it didn't matter what happened (aside from the wearing condoms, which is a must), that he didn't need my permission, that there was no threat to our relationship - even knowing all that my body still went into panic mode. My heart was racing. I spent the better part of a half hour trying to talk myself down before I had to take something to try to get my body to chill out.
I had just seen him Friday night. WTF was going on with me? Yes, this was the first time this situation has presented itself and I had to cut myself some slack. Still, though, I did not like this reaction. It's counter to the lifestyle I have chosen, and yes, I know that different people do poly differently, there's no One True Way and all that jazz. We make up our own rules as to what works and what doesn't. I don't like imposing rules - with the exception of the "if you fuck someone other than me - wear a condom." I mean, that one is pretty reasonable in my opinion. I feared that my mostly joking statement had implied that there was a rule or that I assumed he'd have sex with her, or some other sentiment that I did not intend.
He messaged me @ 3 AM and said he was home safe and joking said that he DID hit a possum on the way home - get it, he hit it? He went on to say again it was just drinks. I replied that I hoped he knew I was teasing. It was late, he didn't reply.
The next morning he said he knew I was teasing and he didn't feel like he needed to tell me it was just a drink because I demanded it, but because he felt it was the right thing to do in that situation. I appreciated that more than he will ever know.
Of course, had things gone differently for him the night before it would have had to be ok simply because I don't own him. We have no exclusivity agreement. I know (and yes, *know*) I would have been upset, but not with him - rather with myself, and that would have been disconcerting.
I laid low Sunday trying to figure out why I was so out of sorts about it for fear I would have said something totally inappropriate. I want B to be happy and live his life the way he wants. I'm thankful that, at least on this part of his journey, he is sharing his life with me.
There's a small part of me that fears him moving on after this ordeal is smoothed over regarding his separation/divorce. We've lived a lot in the short time we've been together and sometimes it brings people closer and sometimes it drives them apart. He's given me no indications that things between us are tapering off - let me make that clear. This is my own fucked up brain and I'm fighting to overcome it and I think I'm succeeding. It's just slow going. It didn't get this way overnight and it's not going to go away overnight, so again - patience.
Another thing that bothers me is that apparently I'm not as strong as I thought I was. Sometimes I wonder if I *ever* have been as strong as I thought I was.
Must. Work. On. This.
B is trying to work out separation matters with his wife. I know this is a very trying time for him and I feel a little helpless. All I can do is listen and be supportive - and patient. I've been learning a lot about patience over the last few months, which is a good thing. I've never been good at that. Hopefully, I'm improving.
My general moods have been improving, too. I don't know if it was just a temporary funk I was in or if my meds needed adjusting or what, but I'm happy to report that I'm not in the same low place anymore.
Now, on to the topic.
I've always had an easier time with an OSO who already had an existing OSO as opposed to gaining another OSO while we are together. I know it's totally a me thing as it touches on some inadequacy issues that are all mine. Still, though, it is what it is.
So, B has this friend who was/is? a FWB (T) prior to us meeting. I have no issues with that at all. Our lives are a jumble of experiences that contribute to the people we are today and without those we wouldn't be the same, obviously. I think we've all had "friends with benefits" and they definitely fill needs and I certainly understand and appreciate that.
I had a glorious Friday night with B. He stayed the night and didn't have to rush off Saturday morning. I always cherish those times when we can go to sleep together and wake up without having to rush off to work and the like.
Saturday evening A and I had a birthday esbat for one of our covenmates that ran until 10 pm or so. B and I were texting when it was over and he said T had invited him out for a drink. I was mostly teasing when I said "Take condoms!" to which he replied "It's just a drink." We haven't really had the safer sex with others talk, which is why it was "mostly teasing."
Even though I rationally knew it was ok, that it didn't matter what happened (aside from the wearing condoms, which is a must), that he didn't need my permission, that there was no threat to our relationship - even knowing all that my body still went into panic mode. My heart was racing. I spent the better part of a half hour trying to talk myself down before I had to take something to try to get my body to chill out.
I had just seen him Friday night. WTF was going on with me? Yes, this was the first time this situation has presented itself and I had to cut myself some slack. Still, though, I did not like this reaction. It's counter to the lifestyle I have chosen, and yes, I know that different people do poly differently, there's no One True Way and all that jazz. We make up our own rules as to what works and what doesn't. I don't like imposing rules - with the exception of the "if you fuck someone other than me - wear a condom." I mean, that one is pretty reasonable in my opinion. I feared that my mostly joking statement had implied that there was a rule or that I assumed he'd have sex with her, or some other sentiment that I did not intend.
He messaged me @ 3 AM and said he was home safe and joking said that he DID hit a possum on the way home - get it, he hit it? He went on to say again it was just drinks. I replied that I hoped he knew I was teasing. It was late, he didn't reply.
The next morning he said he knew I was teasing and he didn't feel like he needed to tell me it was just a drink because I demanded it, but because he felt it was the right thing to do in that situation. I appreciated that more than he will ever know.
Of course, had things gone differently for him the night before it would have had to be ok simply because I don't own him. We have no exclusivity agreement. I know (and yes, *know*) I would have been upset, but not with him - rather with myself, and that would have been disconcerting.
I laid low Sunday trying to figure out why I was so out of sorts about it for fear I would have said something totally inappropriate. I want B to be happy and live his life the way he wants. I'm thankful that, at least on this part of his journey, he is sharing his life with me.
There's a small part of me that fears him moving on after this ordeal is smoothed over regarding his separation/divorce. We've lived a lot in the short time we've been together and sometimes it brings people closer and sometimes it drives them apart. He's given me no indications that things between us are tapering off - let me make that clear. This is my own fucked up brain and I'm fighting to overcome it and I think I'm succeeding. It's just slow going. It didn't get this way overnight and it's not going to go away overnight, so again - patience.
Another thing that bothers me is that apparently I'm not as strong as I thought I was. Sometimes I wonder if I *ever* have been as strong as I thought I was.
Must. Work. On. This.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Writing it all out (Part 5B)
Another layer of my dynamic with B is the whole D/s thing.
God, I feel like such a failure in this department.
I think B most closely identifies as a switch. I identify as a dominant, but I do like to switch on occasion.
We've talked about how it's not the focal point of our relationship. We've talked about how it's not possible to be 24/7 in our respective roles. I'm totally ok with that. I prefer it that way, even.
He has a hard time getting into the mindset and when I try to go there with him I just end up with egg on my face. For him I think it's tied to recognizing patterns in his relationship with his wife and not wanting to get back into those patterns with me. I completely understand that.
I just feel like I'm totally missing the mark. I'm not picking up on context clues. I don't know when it's ok to be "Ma'am" and when it's just me making a fool of myself. The last time I went there was disastrous. It really hurt my feelings and - like every other fucking thing - it directly hit my "you're not worthy" button.
He told me he had a hard time getting into that headspace, so I suggested a couple things that might help. Of course, both of the things I told him were shot down because "if I have to do it then it means nothing." What he fails to understand is that it means something *to me*. Nothing that I ask him to do in that regard is frivolous.
I don't *need* this dynamic to have a happy relationship with someone. However, it is something I enjoy. I've contemplated trying to find a boy who is into it simply to satiate that desire, but I struggle with that for several reasons. I don't want B to feel inadequate. I don't want to develop another relationship and end up neglecting the ones that are important to me. I don't want it to be a string of play dates. I want my boy. I thought that was a possibility with B, but things change. I'm ok with them changing. I just need to talk about it - and - that goes back to needing and asking for more communication, which I feel guilty for even wanting.
I've offered to put all that to the side, but he wants to "keep it as an option." When I try to discern how that works in my head it comes out a jumbled mess. How can I be dominant when I don't even know if it's *ok* to let Her out? How can I be dominant when I have to get permission from him to go there? In my mind it means that he's really the one in control of the when/where/how/why and I am just a prop. I'd rather not have it at all than have it with those conditions.
I know it seems like I'm bitching a lot; however, I *am* thankful for my relationship with B. He makes me want to be a better person. I guess I just have to be ok with who I am right now. It's a learning process. I didn't get this fucked up overnight and I know it won't just magically be "fixed" overnight.
I don't think either of us knew what we were getting ourselves into when we started on this journey - and I would still buy the ticket and take the ride even if I did know. He's worth it. I hope I am, too.
God, I feel like such a failure in this department.
I think B most closely identifies as a switch. I identify as a dominant, but I do like to switch on occasion.
We've talked about how it's not the focal point of our relationship. We've talked about how it's not possible to be 24/7 in our respective roles. I'm totally ok with that. I prefer it that way, even.
He has a hard time getting into the mindset and when I try to go there with him I just end up with egg on my face. For him I think it's tied to recognizing patterns in his relationship with his wife and not wanting to get back into those patterns with me. I completely understand that.
I just feel like I'm totally missing the mark. I'm not picking up on context clues. I don't know when it's ok to be "Ma'am" and when it's just me making a fool of myself. The last time I went there was disastrous. It really hurt my feelings and - like every other fucking thing - it directly hit my "you're not worthy" button.
He told me he had a hard time getting into that headspace, so I suggested a couple things that might help. Of course, both of the things I told him were shot down because "if I have to do it then it means nothing." What he fails to understand is that it means something *to me*. Nothing that I ask him to do in that regard is frivolous.
I don't *need* this dynamic to have a happy relationship with someone. However, it is something I enjoy. I've contemplated trying to find a boy who is into it simply to satiate that desire, but I struggle with that for several reasons. I don't want B to feel inadequate. I don't want to develop another relationship and end up neglecting the ones that are important to me. I don't want it to be a string of play dates. I want my boy. I thought that was a possibility with B, but things change. I'm ok with them changing. I just need to talk about it - and - that goes back to needing and asking for more communication, which I feel guilty for even wanting.
I've offered to put all that to the side, but he wants to "keep it as an option." When I try to discern how that works in my head it comes out a jumbled mess. How can I be dominant when I don't even know if it's *ok* to let Her out? How can I be dominant when I have to get permission from him to go there? In my mind it means that he's really the one in control of the when/where/how/why and I am just a prop. I'd rather not have it at all than have it with those conditions.
I know it seems like I'm bitching a lot; however, I *am* thankful for my relationship with B. He makes me want to be a better person. I guess I just have to be ok with who I am right now. It's a learning process. I didn't get this fucked up overnight and I know it won't just magically be "fixed" overnight.
I don't think either of us knew what we were getting ourselves into when we started on this journey - and I would still buy the ticket and take the ride even if I did know. He's worth it. I hope I am, too.
Writing it all out (Part 5A)
Of course, another source of my need for reassurance is his home situation. He's at the beginning stages of untangling himself from a very unhealthy relationship with his wife. I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say - it's very slow going. His preferred "deadline" is by the holidays. His "hard deadline" is May. Again, patience isn't something I'm adept at and I don't understand these far off deadlines. I get that the holidays aren't far off. May - is kinda far off.
The thing is - this situation has put his life on hold in some ways. It's like he cannot move forward at the rate he wants to. He has a lot of things that will be impacted by his current actions so I get that he has to be careful. I get that he's trying to not make huge ripples and jeopardize getting what he wants with regard to the kids, etc. I get it. Truly.
The flip side to this is that the situation lends itself to me feeling like a secret. I don't expect him to parade me around town and put up billboards that say we're dating. I'm not that arrogant. I would like to be able to have dinner with him at his house. I would like to meet his children. I don't want to be the mysterious person Daddy spends time with. I have met the youngest two and it was awesome. I hear tell that one of the middles wants to meet me (we both like art and I've been sending her art supplies here and there).
I don't want to meet them simply because they're his children. They sound like really neat kids in their own rights.
I'm not asking to be involved in all aspects of B's life. I'd just like to be as "normal" as possible given our quirky circumstance. Maybe this is it. Maybe I just have to accept that I'll never be integrated into his "real life". Maybe I just have to accept that right now this is all I've got and it either has to be enough or I have to decide it's not and move on. Patience, right?
I feel guilty for having those feelings. I know he's under a tremendous amount of stress and life changes and dealing with shit. I don't want to be added to that list. In the past I've put my own feelings on hold for the benefit of others. The thing is, though, it's detrimental to me. I don't know how to balance that. I don't know how to be ok "for now." What happens when "for now" is over? What happens when "for now" becomes "forever" because we've just been hoping it'd even out and haven't proactively done things to change it?
So, my default is to try to prove myself worthy of being in his "real life." That goes back to him not needing anything. It's a vicious cycle.
I'm trying to trust that I'm enough just as I am. I don't know what that feels like. I have that with A - but again - after 12 years I think I finally "got it." It wasn't automatic.
Patience, grasshopper. Grasshoppers squick me out.
The thing is - this situation has put his life on hold in some ways. It's like he cannot move forward at the rate he wants to. He has a lot of things that will be impacted by his current actions so I get that he has to be careful. I get that he's trying to not make huge ripples and jeopardize getting what he wants with regard to the kids, etc. I get it. Truly.
The flip side to this is that the situation lends itself to me feeling like a secret. I don't expect him to parade me around town and put up billboards that say we're dating. I'm not that arrogant. I would like to be able to have dinner with him at his house. I would like to meet his children. I don't want to be the mysterious person Daddy spends time with. I have met the youngest two and it was awesome. I hear tell that one of the middles wants to meet me (we both like art and I've been sending her art supplies here and there).
I don't want to meet them simply because they're his children. They sound like really neat kids in their own rights.
I'm not asking to be involved in all aspects of B's life. I'd just like to be as "normal" as possible given our quirky circumstance. Maybe this is it. Maybe I just have to accept that I'll never be integrated into his "real life". Maybe I just have to accept that right now this is all I've got and it either has to be enough or I have to decide it's not and move on. Patience, right?
I feel guilty for having those feelings. I know he's under a tremendous amount of stress and life changes and dealing with shit. I don't want to be added to that list. In the past I've put my own feelings on hold for the benefit of others. The thing is, though, it's detrimental to me. I don't know how to balance that. I don't know how to be ok "for now." What happens when "for now" is over? What happens when "for now" becomes "forever" because we've just been hoping it'd even out and haven't proactively done things to change it?
So, my default is to try to prove myself worthy of being in his "real life." That goes back to him not needing anything. It's a vicious cycle.
I'm trying to trust that I'm enough just as I am. I don't know what that feels like. I have that with A - but again - after 12 years I think I finally "got it." It wasn't automatic.
Patience, grasshopper. Grasshoppers squick me out.
Writing it all out (Part 5)
I'm just going to warn you. This last one might take up a couple posts, but I will try to be as succinct as possible.
"Patience is a virtue."
I do not possess great amounts of it. I have been working really hard to hone that skill, though. I think I'm making progress, but sometimes I wonder.
Things with B are going well, I suppose? I mean, we have our glitches in communication and I think that's mainly where the issues we've had come from.
We have very different communication styles and needs. This is taking adjustments on both sides I imagine, although I don't know for certain because of said differing styles/needs.
I need lots of communication. I like knowing what page my SOs are on. I like knowing what they think and feel. I like talking about anything and nothing with them. I never lose interest in that. It's like A is my Moon Goddess and B is my Sun God. I thrive on our interactions.
B, on the other hand, is extremely independent. He tends to focus on what's in front of him. I don't really know what his communication *needs* are. He waxes and wanes. Sometimes he goes all emo on me. Other times he's really present with me. I mean, I acknowledge that we all have our ups and downs. I don't expect anyone to really be consistent all the time.
I just feel like I'm missing the mark. I feel like sometimes I censor myself or hold back because it seems that I'm constantly trying to talk about "deep stuff." I'm a deep person. I feel things intensely. I like to talk.
I'm not quite sure how to resolve this. When a new relationship starts there's a certain getting to know you period. I thought it would even out as we got to know one another and maybe it is and I'm just not picking up on it.
I think I know where at least some of my need to communicate a lot comes from:
I've never had a relationship with a boy that it was good enough for me to just be me. I always had to be doing something - physically or mentally - to even come close to being good enough. My ex husband used to tell me that I should be thankful he'd have me because no other man would. Now, my rational brain says "fuck that." My emotional brain has tried to get rid of that memory - but it's always there, even slightly, lurking and waiting for an opportune time to rear its ugly head.
B doesn't need me to do anything. I feel like I don't have many opportunities to prove my worth to him. I'm terrified that I'm going to become "work" and, while I know all relationships take work I feel like I am not worth it. I'm not saying HE has contributed to these feelings, not at all. This is totally a me thing. I just don't know how to shake it.
Because I'm not sure how to act in this dynamic and because I'm scared that I'll do something to fuck it up, or ask too much of him, or get too close to him - I find that I am constantly needing reassurance. I hate the message that sends. To me it says that I'm needy. I don't like being needy. I don't like being unsure of myself. Out of all the things in this world that are uncertain - I've always been sure of myself and my decisions. I mean, yes, we all doubt ourselves at some point, but usually I can keep myself in check.
I've really tried to curb asking for reassurance. I've tried to explain to him why it is that way for me and assure him that I'm trying hard to overcome it. I just hope I can before it's too late and my shiny wears off.
This leads me to Part 5A.
"Patience is a virtue."
I do not possess great amounts of it. I have been working really hard to hone that skill, though. I think I'm making progress, but sometimes I wonder.
Things with B are going well, I suppose? I mean, we have our glitches in communication and I think that's mainly where the issues we've had come from.
We have very different communication styles and needs. This is taking adjustments on both sides I imagine, although I don't know for certain because of said differing styles/needs.
I need lots of communication. I like knowing what page my SOs are on. I like knowing what they think and feel. I like talking about anything and nothing with them. I never lose interest in that. It's like A is my Moon Goddess and B is my Sun God. I thrive on our interactions.
B, on the other hand, is extremely independent. He tends to focus on what's in front of him. I don't really know what his communication *needs* are. He waxes and wanes. Sometimes he goes all emo on me. Other times he's really present with me. I mean, I acknowledge that we all have our ups and downs. I don't expect anyone to really be consistent all the time.
I just feel like I'm missing the mark. I feel like sometimes I censor myself or hold back because it seems that I'm constantly trying to talk about "deep stuff." I'm a deep person. I feel things intensely. I like to talk.
I'm not quite sure how to resolve this. When a new relationship starts there's a certain getting to know you period. I thought it would even out as we got to know one another and maybe it is and I'm just not picking up on it.
I think I know where at least some of my need to communicate a lot comes from:
I've never had a relationship with a boy that it was good enough for me to just be me. I always had to be doing something - physically or mentally - to even come close to being good enough. My ex husband used to tell me that I should be thankful he'd have me because no other man would. Now, my rational brain says "fuck that." My emotional brain has tried to get rid of that memory - but it's always there, even slightly, lurking and waiting for an opportune time to rear its ugly head.
B doesn't need me to do anything. I feel like I don't have many opportunities to prove my worth to him. I'm terrified that I'm going to become "work" and, while I know all relationships take work I feel like I am not worth it. I'm not saying HE has contributed to these feelings, not at all. This is totally a me thing. I just don't know how to shake it.
Because I'm not sure how to act in this dynamic and because I'm scared that I'll do something to fuck it up, or ask too much of him, or get too close to him - I find that I am constantly needing reassurance. I hate the message that sends. To me it says that I'm needy. I don't like being needy. I don't like being unsure of myself. Out of all the things in this world that are uncertain - I've always been sure of myself and my decisions. I mean, yes, we all doubt ourselves at some point, but usually I can keep myself in check.
I've really tried to curb asking for reassurance. I've tried to explain to him why it is that way for me and assure him that I'm trying hard to overcome it. I just hope I can before it's too late and my shiny wears off.
This leads me to Part 5A.
Writing it all out (Part 4)
Then, we have my family.
My mother was in a car accident in late June and she suffered injuries that a) they cannot do anything about (broken ribs, collarbone, fractured pelvis) and b) just take longer to heal. She's frustrated. She's depressed. She's angry. And on top of all that - I think she's losing her 72 year old mind.
She also seems to have this disconnect between when people CAN help her and when she WANTS them to help her. This has caused all sorts of issues with my siblings because they have jobs and lives and families and cannot drop everything to rush to her side (or the grocery store, or the bank, or the hair dresser, or, or, or...).
As a result, my brother isn't even speaking to her because she finally broke him down. He just cannot take her negativity and anger anymore. I don't blame him; however, she's 72 fucking years old and has almost run her body into the ground. Why can't he just suck it up? That's his MOTHER.
My sister is getting to the same point. Of course, in my opinion, she does it for show. I'm not saying she doesn't care. I'm just saying it's not her sole motivation.
I went to visit for a few days a couple weeks ago. I was so saddened by my mother's condition. I was glad to be there and help her out, but I feel this overwhelming guilt that I'm not there to help her all the time. I've asked her to move here, but she uses the excuse of "I can't find a job making what I make and I won't be able to live on my retirement/ss/whatever."
While there we went to the attorney's office for my mother to update her will. Without going into detail let's just say that a) it's her estate and she can do what she damn well pleases and b) her decisions have added stress about what's going to happen when she dies.
I can only do what I can do from here. I can only do what I can do from here. I can only do what I can do from here. And that has to be enough - for BOTH of us.
My mother was in a car accident in late June and she suffered injuries that a) they cannot do anything about (broken ribs, collarbone, fractured pelvis) and b) just take longer to heal. She's frustrated. She's depressed. She's angry. And on top of all that - I think she's losing her 72 year old mind.
She also seems to have this disconnect between when people CAN help her and when she WANTS them to help her. This has caused all sorts of issues with my siblings because they have jobs and lives and families and cannot drop everything to rush to her side (or the grocery store, or the bank, or the hair dresser, or, or, or...).
As a result, my brother isn't even speaking to her because she finally broke him down. He just cannot take her negativity and anger anymore. I don't blame him; however, she's 72 fucking years old and has almost run her body into the ground. Why can't he just suck it up? That's his MOTHER.
My sister is getting to the same point. Of course, in my opinion, she does it for show. I'm not saying she doesn't care. I'm just saying it's not her sole motivation.
I went to visit for a few days a couple weeks ago. I was so saddened by my mother's condition. I was glad to be there and help her out, but I feel this overwhelming guilt that I'm not there to help her all the time. I've asked her to move here, but she uses the excuse of "I can't find a job making what I make and I won't be able to live on my retirement/ss/whatever."
While there we went to the attorney's office for my mother to update her will. Without going into detail let's just say that a) it's her estate and she can do what she damn well pleases and b) her decisions have added stress about what's going to happen when she dies.
I can only do what I can do from here. I can only do what I can do from here. I can only do what I can do from here. And that has to be enough - for BOTH of us.
Writing it all out (Part 3)
The next thing on my plate is Old Boy.
I have honestly tried to be friends with him because I missed interacting with him. We were good friends who got along well. I also realized that I felt a little sorry for him. By his own design, mind you, he has alienated almost everyone in his life. I worried about him being alone and self destructive (because that's what he does when he's alone). I have abandonment issues and they were triggered by this. I don't want him to ever feel abandoned. Not just him, but anyone. It's a horrible feeling.
Right now he's gone to Hawaii. Initially he was going to move there; however, he got a round trip ticket and should be back next week. I have not heard from him since he left and I was very well aware that it might be the last time I talk to him. I've actually been ok about that over the last couple weeks. It's been amazing how I just didn't agonize and fret over it.
Sometimes I get angry. I get angry because I gave him really good parts of myself. I get angry because even after he was a shit we still loved him. I get angry because he doesn't seem to get the meaning of "friendship." I'm always there and he has known that. It's like he can go off on his adventures and then come back to me without having to give anything in return. That isn't acceptable to me anymore. It took 7 months to get to this place.
Here's the catch. I am terrified that I will hear from him next week. I don't know how I will handle that. Part of me says a giant "FUCK YOU" and the other part of me is like "How was your trip?" Maybe I won't hear from him next week - maybe the next or the next or never. Who knows? I hate uncertainty.
I have honestly tried to be friends with him because I missed interacting with him. We were good friends who got along well. I also realized that I felt a little sorry for him. By his own design, mind you, he has alienated almost everyone in his life. I worried about him being alone and self destructive (because that's what he does when he's alone). I have abandonment issues and they were triggered by this. I don't want him to ever feel abandoned. Not just him, but anyone. It's a horrible feeling.
Right now he's gone to Hawaii. Initially he was going to move there; however, he got a round trip ticket and should be back next week. I have not heard from him since he left and I was very well aware that it might be the last time I talk to him. I've actually been ok about that over the last couple weeks. It's been amazing how I just didn't agonize and fret over it.
Sometimes I get angry. I get angry because I gave him really good parts of myself. I get angry because even after he was a shit we still loved him. I get angry because he doesn't seem to get the meaning of "friendship." I'm always there and he has known that. It's like he can go off on his adventures and then come back to me without having to give anything in return. That isn't acceptable to me anymore. It took 7 months to get to this place.
Here's the catch. I am terrified that I will hear from him next week. I don't know how I will handle that. Part of me says a giant "FUCK YOU" and the other part of me is like "How was your trip?" Maybe I won't hear from him next week - maybe the next or the next or never. Who knows? I hate uncertainty.
Writing it all out (Part 2)
So, the first thing I'll tackle is my relationship with my wonderful wife.
She is truly amazing. Truly. We are so in sync it's a little scary sometimes. We finish one another's sentences, we have the same routines, we are definitely on the same page. After nearly 12 years we should be, right? I struggle from time to time with not being enough for her, which is just odd in that I am the practicing poly person and she's monogamous. I worry that I keep her from things she needs, mainly sex. You see, I identify as bisexual; however, she's the only woman I am romantically involved with and the only woman I *want* to be romantically involved with.
Do not misunderstand. OMG. The sex we have is amazing. Seriously. We just don't have it often for some reason or another. We're tired. One of us isn't feeling well. We have other stuff to do. I have to ask myself if we're making excuses?
One thing is she has issues initiating it. I share that with her. I'm not good at initiating sex with a woman. I don't know why. She's not good at initiating sex with anyone - which - in all fairness - what woman really has to initiate sex with ANY boy?
This is something we've battled since the start of our relationship. The desire is not lacking, it's just the follow through that we have troubles with.
I just can't shake the feeling that I'm not everything she needs - even when she tells me so.
She is truly amazing. Truly. We are so in sync it's a little scary sometimes. We finish one another's sentences, we have the same routines, we are definitely on the same page. After nearly 12 years we should be, right? I struggle from time to time with not being enough for her, which is just odd in that I am the practicing poly person and she's monogamous. I worry that I keep her from things she needs, mainly sex. You see, I identify as bisexual; however, she's the only woman I am romantically involved with and the only woman I *want* to be romantically involved with.
Do not misunderstand. OMG. The sex we have is amazing. Seriously. We just don't have it often for some reason or another. We're tired. One of us isn't feeling well. We have other stuff to do. I have to ask myself if we're making excuses?
One thing is she has issues initiating it. I share that with her. I'm not good at initiating sex with a woman. I don't know why. She's not good at initiating sex with anyone - which - in all fairness - what woman really has to initiate sex with ANY boy?
This is something we've battled since the start of our relationship. The desire is not lacking, it's just the follow through that we have troubles with.
I just can't shake the feeling that I'm not everything she needs - even when she tells me so.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Writing it all out (Part 1)
Writing things down can be very therapeutic sometimes. B pointed out that it lets him know if he's heading in the right direction. I wish it were a matter of knowing right from wrong.
I'm always cognizant of the tl;dr phenomenon; however, it's not like anyone really reads what I write anyway, so - here goes.
I'm going to break it down in parts so I'm not jumping around.
Hopefully I'll at least feel better, right?
I'm always cognizant of the tl;dr phenomenon; however, it's not like anyone really reads what I write anyway, so - here goes.
I'm going to break it down in parts so I'm not jumping around.
Hopefully I'll at least feel better, right?
I don't know how to live like this.
It makes me uneasy.
It makes me nervous.
It makes me uncomfortable.
I can't trust it.
I have a hard time accepting it.
It's so fucked up. All we want is for it to be enough just to be who we are. I don't know how that feels. I don't know how it works. I just don't know how.
It makes me nervous.
It makes me uncomfortable.
I can't trust it.
I have a hard time accepting it.
It's so fucked up. All we want is for it to be enough just to be who we are. I don't know how that feels. I don't know how it works. I just don't know how.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Thoughts on D/s
The Boy sent me an email not too long ago that said, amongst other things, that he had to keep the D/s compartmentalized because he didn't want to fall into patterns with me (or with anyone else, for that matter) like he'd been stuck in with his wife.
I get that. Totally.
I don't want to cross that line. I feel like sometimes (not all the time, mind you) mentioning it crosses the line and it's not a good feeling. I don't want to self censor and I fear that's what is happening.
I know I'm trying so hard to just *be* - it's just difficult when the parameters feel like they change. You know?
I get that. Totally.
I don't want to cross that line. I feel like sometimes (not all the time, mind you) mentioning it crosses the line and it's not a good feeling. I don't want to self censor and I fear that's what is happening.
I know I'm trying so hard to just *be* - it's just difficult when the parameters feel like they change. You know?
You can lead a horse to water...
But you can't make him drink.
I give my partners the option of reading this blog - it's where I usually put "real" stuff.
However, they don't read it.
I don't know whether to be bothered by that or not.
I give my partners the option of reading this blog - it's where I usually put "real" stuff.
However, they don't read it.
I don't know whether to be bothered by that or not.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Currents and Exes
The Ex
First, I am not pining over him. I don't wish him to come back. I don't want to go back to our dysfunction.
Having said that - yes, I love him. I care for him deeply. I wish things were different *for him*. I want a good life *for him*.
I feel like I'm finally in a place where I can be friends with him - and that's a major accomplishment after all the bullshit that happened between us. I want to be in his life and he in mine. People think I'm crazy for that, and I may very well be; however, it is what it is.
Lately, though, I find myself slipping back into the pattern of him feeling better about our interaction and me feeling worse. He's an alcoholic and I know it's a daily struggle for him. I know I can't help him. I know that I can't just DO IT for him. I don't like talking with him when he's drunk and he knows it. He tries to stay away when he's drunk, but sometimes he slips. The other night he slipped and we talked at 8:30 PM and he was PISS DRUNK and already in bed on his way to passing out. I was so disappointed.
Then, he tells me that he'd just confirmed his ticket to Hawaii - and that he's moving there in 5 weeks. I can't explain why, but my heart sank. I don't think it's a good idea. His sister (younger) lives there and she's not a drinker and I'm afraid it'll ruin their relationship. I just don't think Hawaii is going to like him. I know he's not my responsibility anymore (honestly, he never was, I just assumed it). It just feels like he's abandoning me all over again.
The Current
I love this boy so much. I think I can honestly say this is the first *functional* relationship I've ever had with a boy - and I was married for 6 years! haha
We call one another on our shit. We *communicate*. So many things that I can't even list them all here. We're growing together (or so I like to think) and it's amazing. I've only experienced that with WW.
One of the awesome things about our relationship is that we don't *need* one another in that sense. I have a pattern of subconsciously seeking out boys who need me more than I need them. Since I have abandonment issues my feeling brain said "If they NEED you, they won't leave." Of course, that's a lie. They always leave.
I just find my self esteem issues rearing their ugly heads. I feel like I am always asking B for reassurance and I fear that getting tiring. He doesn't *need* me and I worry that my shiny will wear off, or that I'm damaged goods and it's just a matter of time before he figures that out. Sounds real rational, huh?
I'm thankful he accepts me and loves me - warts and all. I am trying to make my brain stop this "it's just a matter of time" bullshit.
First, I am not pining over him. I don't wish him to come back. I don't want to go back to our dysfunction.
Having said that - yes, I love him. I care for him deeply. I wish things were different *for him*. I want a good life *for him*.
I feel like I'm finally in a place where I can be friends with him - and that's a major accomplishment after all the bullshit that happened between us. I want to be in his life and he in mine. People think I'm crazy for that, and I may very well be; however, it is what it is.
Lately, though, I find myself slipping back into the pattern of him feeling better about our interaction and me feeling worse. He's an alcoholic and I know it's a daily struggle for him. I know I can't help him. I know that I can't just DO IT for him. I don't like talking with him when he's drunk and he knows it. He tries to stay away when he's drunk, but sometimes he slips. The other night he slipped and we talked at 8:30 PM and he was PISS DRUNK and already in bed on his way to passing out. I was so disappointed.
Then, he tells me that he'd just confirmed his ticket to Hawaii - and that he's moving there in 5 weeks. I can't explain why, but my heart sank. I don't think it's a good idea. His sister (younger) lives there and she's not a drinker and I'm afraid it'll ruin their relationship. I just don't think Hawaii is going to like him. I know he's not my responsibility anymore (honestly, he never was, I just assumed it). It just feels like he's abandoning me all over again.
The Current
I love this boy so much. I think I can honestly say this is the first *functional* relationship I've ever had with a boy - and I was married for 6 years! haha
We call one another on our shit. We *communicate*. So many things that I can't even list them all here. We're growing together (or so I like to think) and it's amazing. I've only experienced that with WW.
One of the awesome things about our relationship is that we don't *need* one another in that sense. I have a pattern of subconsciously seeking out boys who need me more than I need them. Since I have abandonment issues my feeling brain said "If they NEED you, they won't leave." Of course, that's a lie. They always leave.
I just find my self esteem issues rearing their ugly heads. I feel like I am always asking B for reassurance and I fear that getting tiring. He doesn't *need* me and I worry that my shiny will wear off, or that I'm damaged goods and it's just a matter of time before he figures that out. Sounds real rational, huh?
I'm thankful he accepts me and loves me - warts and all. I am trying to make my brain stop this "it's just a matter of time" bullshit.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Things are about to get ugly
For B.
I hate it for him and I know it's going to be extremely difficult to do what he feels he needs to do.
I want to find the line between being supportive and being "on his side." Of COURSE I'm on his side; however, I can't let my bias skew my perspective.
I know I can do that.
I just hope he comes out the other side of this unscathed, but I have my doubts.
*sigh*
Sometimes I hate people.
I hate it for him and I know it's going to be extremely difficult to do what he feels he needs to do.
I want to find the line between being supportive and being "on his side." Of COURSE I'm on his side; however, I can't let my bias skew my perspective.
I know I can do that.
I just hope he comes out the other side of this unscathed, but I have my doubts.
*sigh*
Sometimes I hate people.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Sigh of Relief
Had a long, long talk with B Saturday night. It was so good and we really hammered some things out. While his life is swirling in chaos - *our* relationship doesn't have to be caught up in it. We are solid. It just took some head bangin' to get to that realization. ;)
Now I can breathe again.
Now I can breathe again.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
I try so hard...
To be accommodating. To be supportive. To be flexible. To bend without breaking.
Sometimes it works. Other times not so much.
I feel like I'm failing miserably. I really am at a loss. Our communication styles are so different and I fear that is going to be the proverbial straw. I *know* I communicate a LOT. I don't push my feelings down, they are on the surface and I know it's tedious. He's already got a lot of "work" on his plate and I don't want to be more for him.
Sometimes I think what might be best for him is for me to slowly bow out and let him forget about me altogether. Being poly is supposed to add to one's life, not take away from. I feel like I ask too much of him and that's not a good feeling.
Sometimes it works. Other times not so much.
I feel like I'm failing miserably. I really am at a loss. Our communication styles are so different and I fear that is going to be the proverbial straw. I *know* I communicate a LOT. I don't push my feelings down, they are on the surface and I know it's tedious. He's already got a lot of "work" on his plate and I don't want to be more for him.
Sometimes I think what might be best for him is for me to slowly bow out and let him forget about me altogether. Being poly is supposed to add to one's life, not take away from. I feel like I ask too much of him and that's not a good feeling.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Feeling better...
Had a long talk with B last night. I feel like we're in a much better place now that we were able to hash some things out.
I honestly think this is our first growing pain. Hopefully we're surviving it.
I honestly think this is our first growing pain. Hopefully we're surviving it.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Well...
I did it.
I initiated "the" conversation with B.
I feel like I said a lot of things and, quite frankly, I feel almost as much at a loss as I did before.
I guess the good thing is that I told him how I was feeling, right?
I get that he's in limbo. I just don't get why *we* have to be in limbo. I know that when things are a little wobbly for me I tend to cling to the things I *know.* Maybe he doesn't know me. Maybe he doesn't know where I stand. Maybe it's because he hasn't been listening.
I want him to be an active participant in this relationship *with* me. I don't just want a participant observer. I want him to make a decision. I want him to stop putting it off on me, and that's what it feels like right now. I have asked him in this conversation repeatedly to tell me how our relationship works for him and he will not answer it. How many more ways do I have to come up with how to phrase a question?
Maybe he's avoiding answering me because it's really not worth the thought it takes him to formulate an answer. I feel extremely insignificant right now. I don't have to be the Queen. I just don't want to be a peasant, either.
I initiated "the" conversation with B.
I feel like I said a lot of things and, quite frankly, I feel almost as much at a loss as I did before.
I guess the good thing is that I told him how I was feeling, right?
I get that he's in limbo. I just don't get why *we* have to be in limbo. I know that when things are a little wobbly for me I tend to cling to the things I *know.* Maybe he doesn't know me. Maybe he doesn't know where I stand. Maybe it's because he hasn't been listening.
I want him to be an active participant in this relationship *with* me. I don't just want a participant observer. I want him to make a decision. I want him to stop putting it off on me, and that's what it feels like right now. I have asked him in this conversation repeatedly to tell me how our relationship works for him and he will not answer it. How many more ways do I have to come up with how to phrase a question?
Maybe he's avoiding answering me because it's really not worth the thought it takes him to formulate an answer. I feel extremely insignificant right now. I don't have to be the Queen. I just don't want to be a peasant, either.
Grrrr.
It's difficult feeling stifled.
I feel like I have to censor myself about the whole situation. I keep telling myself over and over it's really none of my business, yet it doesn't seem to help.
Maybe what really bothers me is what I would say if I *could* say it. It's heinous. It's mean spirited. It's judgmental. It's just...nasty. Venomous. I am ashamed of my thoughts and feelings. Regardless, they're still there and I can't just make them go away.
There's a line between open and honest communication and just plain, old tacky.
Besides, it's hard to hear things about someone you love that aren't very nice.
*sigh*
I feel paralyzed by it. My heart races more often than it doesn't. I'm stressed out. Things feel very one sided right now.
It hurts. It's not supposed to hurt like this.
I feel like I have to censor myself about the whole situation. I keep telling myself over and over it's really none of my business, yet it doesn't seem to help.
Maybe what really bothers me is what I would say if I *could* say it. It's heinous. It's mean spirited. It's judgmental. It's just...nasty. Venomous. I am ashamed of my thoughts and feelings. Regardless, they're still there and I can't just make them go away.
There's a line between open and honest communication and just plain, old tacky.
Besides, it's hard to hear things about someone you love that aren't very nice.
*sigh*
I feel paralyzed by it. My heart races more often than it doesn't. I'm stressed out. Things feel very one sided right now.
It hurts. It's not supposed to hurt like this.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Status Update
Things lately have been a little trying. B is struggling with some issues with his primary and, quite honestly, I'm not adept at navigating these waters. Sure, I have dated other poly folk and they have had issues with other partners; however, this situation is a little different.
When I met B he warned me that some weeks he'd have an abundance of free time and other weeks he wouldn't. I grok that. Up until recently, though, he's had that free time. Now the kids are out of school, his primary is usually gone every weekend, and just *life* is happening, not to mention the issues they are dealing with. The end of his free time was quite abrupt and couple that with him being quiet and removed (because of his other relationship issues) - well, it has just made me a little uneasy.
I am terrified that there will come a point that I am too much work for him. Not everyone is cut out to be poly and it takes up time, energy and resources (sometimes we have to create the extra time, energy and resources, too).
I know his "real" life is completely independent of me and while I think that's all well and good - my "real" life isn't completely independent of him. WW adores him, too. It's not just he and I dating. There are 4 relationship dynamics going on: me and him, me and WW, he and WW (even though it's not romantic) and the 3 of us. WW is definitely a part of this poly experience whereas his primary seemingly wants nothing to do with his polyness. I acknowledge that everyone's poly style is different, that whatever works for them is what works for them, etc. However, most of my poly experiences have been all encompassing - meaning that everyone knows one another, is at least civil (preferably actually friends), etc.
I've never met B's primary. I've been dating him for a few months now and I doubt I will ever meet her. That is fine, mind you. I don't want to expend energy trying to be friends with someone who has no interest in even meeting me. It doesn't bother or upset me in the slightest. I do think it's unfortunate, though, not specific to her, but just in general. I am very much desirous of knowing the people in my partners' lives. :)
B and I had dinner last night and he came over last Friday night - so we've been slowly reconnecting and I'm thankful for that. I do love that boy.
Of course, I feel a little guilty because I know I've been "off" trying to wrap my head around what's going on with him and I know that's impacted my relationship with WW. She hates seeing me (or B, honestly) struggle. I do love that girl.
So, that's the update.
Hope you are well.
D-
When I met B he warned me that some weeks he'd have an abundance of free time and other weeks he wouldn't. I grok that. Up until recently, though, he's had that free time. Now the kids are out of school, his primary is usually gone every weekend, and just *life* is happening, not to mention the issues they are dealing with. The end of his free time was quite abrupt and couple that with him being quiet and removed (because of his other relationship issues) - well, it has just made me a little uneasy.
I am terrified that there will come a point that I am too much work for him. Not everyone is cut out to be poly and it takes up time, energy and resources (sometimes we have to create the extra time, energy and resources, too).
I know his "real" life is completely independent of me and while I think that's all well and good - my "real" life isn't completely independent of him. WW adores him, too. It's not just he and I dating. There are 4 relationship dynamics going on: me and him, me and WW, he and WW (even though it's not romantic) and the 3 of us. WW is definitely a part of this poly experience whereas his primary seemingly wants nothing to do with his polyness. I acknowledge that everyone's poly style is different, that whatever works for them is what works for them, etc. However, most of my poly experiences have been all encompassing - meaning that everyone knows one another, is at least civil (preferably actually friends), etc.
I've never met B's primary. I've been dating him for a few months now and I doubt I will ever meet her. That is fine, mind you. I don't want to expend energy trying to be friends with someone who has no interest in even meeting me. It doesn't bother or upset me in the slightest. I do think it's unfortunate, though, not specific to her, but just in general. I am very much desirous of knowing the people in my partners' lives. :)
B and I had dinner last night and he came over last Friday night - so we've been slowly reconnecting and I'm thankful for that. I do love that boy.
Of course, I feel a little guilty because I know I've been "off" trying to wrap my head around what's going on with him and I know that's impacted my relationship with WW. She hates seeing me (or B, honestly) struggle. I do love that girl.
So, that's the update.
Hope you are well.
D-
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Objectified...
So, it's no secret B and I have a D/s dynamic. I've usually identified as a dominant; however I've been having switch tendencies as of late, which works out nicely because B is exploring his dominant side, too.
Last night he returned home from a conference and I met him at the airport. It was so nice to see his face, kiss his lips, hold his hand as we walked to the car...suffice it to say, I missed him.
We'd been toying with one another all day...playful, sexy...dirty...
His flight had been delayed and I knew he was worn out from his trip. I should have just sent him on his way, but I wanted as many minutes as he could spare.
About 45 minutes later we were on our respective ways. It doesn't take rocket science to figure out how things played out, right?
Don't misunderstand, I was thrilled to see him. I just didn't expect to feel the way I did.
It's not about keeping score or being tit for tat...not at all. I don't think it was intentional. I don't feel used.
I just feel...well, I'm not exactly sure, but I know I don't like it.
Last night he returned home from a conference and I met him at the airport. It was so nice to see his face, kiss his lips, hold his hand as we walked to the car...suffice it to say, I missed him.
We'd been toying with one another all day...playful, sexy...dirty...
His flight had been delayed and I knew he was worn out from his trip. I should have just sent him on his way, but I wanted as many minutes as he could spare.
About 45 minutes later we were on our respective ways. It doesn't take rocket science to figure out how things played out, right?
Don't misunderstand, I was thrilled to see him. I just didn't expect to feel the way I did.
It's not about keeping score or being tit for tat...not at all. I don't think it was intentional. I don't feel used.
I just feel...well, I'm not exactly sure, but I know I don't like it.
The funny thing about words...
Once you say them, they're not yours anymore.
I find that when talking with B I can't not tell him how much I adore, treasure, cherish, etc. him. It's like I'm compelled to tell him...not to get a certain response, mind you. I just don't want him to ever forget.
Having said that, I'm thinking I might need to reel it in; turn my edit button back on. Not censor myself or anything, just be more selective in what I say out loud.
I don't want to make him uncomfortable or feel obligated to respond in any certain way. Also, it makes me extremely vulnerable and that's always scary.
I'll get it right one day. I'll find the balance.
I find that when talking with B I can't not tell him how much I adore, treasure, cherish, etc. him. It's like I'm compelled to tell him...not to get a certain response, mind you. I just don't want him to ever forget.
Having said that, I'm thinking I might need to reel it in; turn my edit button back on. Not censor myself or anything, just be more selective in what I say out loud.
I don't want to make him uncomfortable or feel obligated to respond in any certain way. Also, it makes me extremely vulnerable and that's always scary.
I'll get it right one day. I'll find the balance.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
Shiny wearing off?
Sometimes our brains do fucked up things to us.
For example, right now, my brain is telling me that my shiny has worn off with B. I'm not entirely certain that's true, mind you, it's just where my brain is taking me.
I know that D/s is an important part of our relationship - not the end all, be all, of course, but I have to acknowledge that it is important.
I feel like I'm failing him in that department.
I don't believe anyone can carry on that dynamic 24/7 and, quite honestly, I know that I am not capable of that. I don't want an automaton or someone who is always agreeable with me. I like challenges. I like different perspectives on everything. I like hearing other opinions. I mean, at the end of the day we're still people, right?
So, how do I "make him feel it" when we do have a D/s encounter?
We've talked about it and I think I at least have a starting point. I know being spontaneous is alluring; however, when time is limited I think it would be better if we actually planned our D/s scenes - not down to the activities, but "This time is set aside for this."
B has assured me that D/s isn't the only part of our relationship and I do believe that. I also *know* that it is something we both want.
I have to figure this out. I don't want our mundane lives to take over and put us in a rut. I don't want to be work for him.
*sigh* I'm sure I'm probably making it bigger than it is, yet, at the same time, I cannot ignore it.
And, on top of that I'm a little worried about the whole leaving marks thing. We've discussed it, I've heard the limitations and it's definitely something I can live with; however, I'm acutely aware that some marks are *not* ok and I don't ever want to cross that line again. I feel awful that I crossed it in the first place. I feel responsible for the ripples it caused. In all fairness, I didn't know that line was there so I can't beat myself up too much about it. At the same time, though, I just feel like I should have known somehow it wasn't ok. I'm not psychic, but I'm workin' on it.
B's going out of town for a few days for a conference. Maybe this time apart will prove to be a Good Thing for both of us.
For example, right now, my brain is telling me that my shiny has worn off with B. I'm not entirely certain that's true, mind you, it's just where my brain is taking me.
I know that D/s is an important part of our relationship - not the end all, be all, of course, but I have to acknowledge that it is important.
I feel like I'm failing him in that department.
I don't believe anyone can carry on that dynamic 24/7 and, quite honestly, I know that I am not capable of that. I don't want an automaton or someone who is always agreeable with me. I like challenges. I like different perspectives on everything. I like hearing other opinions. I mean, at the end of the day we're still people, right?
So, how do I "make him feel it" when we do have a D/s encounter?
We've talked about it and I think I at least have a starting point. I know being spontaneous is alluring; however, when time is limited I think it would be better if we actually planned our D/s scenes - not down to the activities, but "This time is set aside for this."
B has assured me that D/s isn't the only part of our relationship and I do believe that. I also *know* that it is something we both want.
I have to figure this out. I don't want our mundane lives to take over and put us in a rut. I don't want to be work for him.
*sigh* I'm sure I'm probably making it bigger than it is, yet, at the same time, I cannot ignore it.
And, on top of that I'm a little worried about the whole leaving marks thing. We've discussed it, I've heard the limitations and it's definitely something I can live with; however, I'm acutely aware that some marks are *not* ok and I don't ever want to cross that line again. I feel awful that I crossed it in the first place. I feel responsible for the ripples it caused. In all fairness, I didn't know that line was there so I can't beat myself up too much about it. At the same time, though, I just feel like I should have known somehow it wasn't ok. I'm not psychic, but I'm workin' on it.
B's going out of town for a few days for a conference. Maybe this time apart will prove to be a Good Thing for both of us.
Friday, May 18, 2012
The Breeze
Are you moving much too fast?
And the good times that just don't last
If you're always on the go
Make an angel in the snow...and freeze.
Do you feel like you're stuck in time?
Forever waiting on that line
If nothing ever moves
Put that needle to the groove...and sing.
Is it a dream keeping you awake?
Is it the stillness that makes you shake?
If you need to know for sure
What's on the ocean floor...just sink.
Do you like things the way they seem?
Or are you looking behind the scenes?
Well, if you gotta know
What it takes to make it so...just believe.
Are there dark parts to your mind?
Hidden secrets left behind?
Where no one ever goes
When everybody knows...it's alright.
Do you get dizzy on the ground?
There must be something going 'round
What blows us here today
It'll blow us all away
The breeze will blow us all away...
Dr. Dog
And the good times that just don't last
If you're always on the go
Make an angel in the snow...and freeze.
Do you feel like you're stuck in time?
Forever waiting on that line
If nothing ever moves
Put that needle to the groove...and sing.
Is it a dream keeping you awake?
Is it the stillness that makes you shake?
If you need to know for sure
What's on the ocean floor...just sink.
Do you like things the way they seem?
Or are you looking behind the scenes?
Well, if you gotta know
What it takes to make it so...just believe.
Are there dark parts to your mind?
Hidden secrets left behind?
Where no one ever goes
When everybody knows...it's alright.
Do you get dizzy on the ground?
There must be something going 'round
What blows us here today
It'll blow us all away
The breeze will blow us all away...
Dr. Dog
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Marks
So, last night I spent a wonderful evening with B. Every now and again he has to spend the night in Huntsville for work, so I have been trying to coordinate meeting up with him there. It's only about an hour and a half drive, so it's not inconvenient. Besides, his time is limited and, of course, I want to spend as much time with him as possible.
We hotel hopped - and it was totally sweet. The first hotel he booked he didn't like (but told me had I not been with him he would have stayed). The second hotel was sold out, yet he could book a room online? Third time was a winner. We checked in and on our way to the room we passed by a sports bar and I eyed a pool table. We had a few drinks, shot some pool, retired to our room and had a blast. The last thing I remember is being cuddled up together.
I woke up around 1:45 with a slight headache and that familiar feel of dehydration. I downed some water and a handful of crackers and roused B to see if he wanted anything. We snuggled up again and I couldn't help but planting kisses on his neck and he essentially said something along the lines of "no marks."
Now, I like to leave my mark and wear my lover's mark(s). I have always been that way. It's not any place in particular, just something to remind me (and hopefully them) of time spent together.
A couple weeks ago we went away for the weekend and both got a little carried away. I sent him home with a mark on each side of his neck and it went over like a lead zeppelin. I felt bad because it seemed to get him in trouble. I really wasn't surprised when he said no marks. Of course, I had to stop because I didn't trust myself not to accidentally leave some trace that I had been there and I get that it's not cool.
I just didn't expect to feel a little hesitant at leaving marks elsewhere. I am having a little anxiety about it because I am afraid I will cross a line inadvertently and it will put him an awkward position again.
Part of me wonders if our relationship will ever be "ok" as far as other people are concerned. It seems like the only people who are truly ok with it are me, him and WW. It's not that I need other people to recognize and validate my relationship with him - not at all. I just hate that it puts him in awkward positions.
Speaking of awkward positions...
We hotel hopped - and it was totally sweet. The first hotel he booked he didn't like (but told me had I not been with him he would have stayed). The second hotel was sold out, yet he could book a room online? Third time was a winner. We checked in and on our way to the room we passed by a sports bar and I eyed a pool table. We had a few drinks, shot some pool, retired to our room and had a blast. The last thing I remember is being cuddled up together.
I woke up around 1:45 with a slight headache and that familiar feel of dehydration. I downed some water and a handful of crackers and roused B to see if he wanted anything. We snuggled up again and I couldn't help but planting kisses on his neck and he essentially said something along the lines of "no marks."
Now, I like to leave my mark and wear my lover's mark(s). I have always been that way. It's not any place in particular, just something to remind me (and hopefully them) of time spent together.
A couple weeks ago we went away for the weekend and both got a little carried away. I sent him home with a mark on each side of his neck and it went over like a lead zeppelin. I felt bad because it seemed to get him in trouble. I really wasn't surprised when he said no marks. Of course, I had to stop because I didn't trust myself not to accidentally leave some trace that I had been there and I get that it's not cool.
I just didn't expect to feel a little hesitant at leaving marks elsewhere. I am having a little anxiety about it because I am afraid I will cross a line inadvertently and it will put him an awkward position again.
Part of me wonders if our relationship will ever be "ok" as far as other people are concerned. It seems like the only people who are truly ok with it are me, him and WW. It's not that I need other people to recognize and validate my relationship with him - not at all. I just hate that it puts him in awkward positions.
Speaking of awkward positions...
This is my friend, Deedra
This morning B and I went to breakfast - to a special place - a place where he had breakfast on the regular with his grandfather.
We walk in, get a table, sit down:
B: "My CEO is in here."
Me: "OK"
B: "No, my CEO is. in. here."
Me: "OK"
Guy walks up to the table, pleasantries exchanged:
B: "This is my friend, Deedra."
*shake hands*
Conversation about work stuff ensues, ends, CEO walks off.
No big deal, right?
I get a text later saying that B appreciates my being understanding at breakfast, that it's not how it should be, etc.
How do I tell him that I know sometimes we have to be just two friends having breakfast and it's ok?
I hate the word "secret." It implies something wrong. I don't want to think of my relationship with B as being wrong, even though I get that a lot of people would think so. I also get that, for the most part, he has to keep his relationship with me hidden - not out of being ashamed or anything, just out of necessity. His life is much different than mine. He has a wife, children, colleagues, family, etc. He's constructed his life to be a certain way and he has to keep that up, you know?
I know he hates having to keep secrets from people. I know he laments having to hide part of his life. I know this. And for right now, just knowing that is enough for me to be ok with it. Of course, I can't say that I'll always be ok with it, but for right now it's ok and something I've learned is that we have to live in the present, so it's hard to look beyond right now.
All I know to do is love him to the best of my ability - and that's what I'm trying to do.
We walk in, get a table, sit down:
B: "My CEO is in here."
Me: "OK"
B: "No, my CEO is. in. here."
Me: "OK"
Guy walks up to the table, pleasantries exchanged:
B: "This is my friend, Deedra."
*shake hands*
Conversation about work stuff ensues, ends, CEO walks off.
No big deal, right?
I get a text later saying that B appreciates my being understanding at breakfast, that it's not how it should be, etc.
How do I tell him that I know sometimes we have to be just two friends having breakfast and it's ok?
I hate the word "secret." It implies something wrong. I don't want to think of my relationship with B as being wrong, even though I get that a lot of people would think so. I also get that, for the most part, he has to keep his relationship with me hidden - not out of being ashamed or anything, just out of necessity. His life is much different than mine. He has a wife, children, colleagues, family, etc. He's constructed his life to be a certain way and he has to keep that up, you know?
I know he hates having to keep secrets from people. I know he laments having to hide part of his life. I know this. And for right now, just knowing that is enough for me to be ok with it. Of course, I can't say that I'll always be ok with it, but for right now it's ok and something I've learned is that we have to live in the present, so it's hard to look beyond right now.
All I know to do is love him to the best of my ability - and that's what I'm trying to do.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Phew...
In MUCH better spirits since my last post.
The Boy (hereinafter "B") seems to be in a better headspace, too.
Wonder Wife (hereinafter "WW") has been so supportive of us both and that means a great deal.
I love how the universe shows me (sometimes repeatedly) that I am on the right path. I love my life...even the dark times.
The Boy (hereinafter "B") seems to be in a better headspace, too.
Wonder Wife (hereinafter "WW") has been so supportive of us both and that means a great deal.
I love how the universe shows me (sometimes repeatedly) that I am on the right path. I love my life...even the dark times.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Asking for what we need
Sometimes it's difficult to ask for the things we want or need, especially when it's something for ourselves. We're taught it's selfish. Sometimes we don't know how to *ask* and it ends up coming out as a *demand*- and that sets everyone on edge.
In particular, right now, I'm talking about "alone time." We all need alone time to some varying degree. True, some people need more than others, some need less; however, it's still something we need.
A little background:
B has had a rough couple of days and I think he hasn't been able/known how to ask for alone time to sort things out. I suppose there may have been subtle hints; however, the thing is - I am not psychic. So, what has ended up happening is that it's a jumbled mess. He retreats, I think that it has to do with me (just like I'm sure others may have thought it had something to do with them), miscommunications happen, feelings get hurt, people end up confused, worried and so on. Not good things, right? Right.
My first instinct is to talk about it because I don't know what's going on. I felt pushed away. I felt like I had done something wrong and was being punished for it. I felt like the fact that I was even in his life was problematic for myriad reasons. I think it's human nature to internalize things when we don't know what's going on. And that's what I did - and I haven't been the nicest person to myself as a result - mentally or physically.
Last night he said he doesn't think I know the real him followed up by saying something along the lines of "not that what I've shown you has been fake." This calls the whole of our relationship into question in my mind. The opposite of real IS fake. "Not knowing the real him" makes me feel like an idiot. I'm perceptive. I'm observant. I pay attention. I *listen*. And I felt like somehow I failed him; somehow I missed some arbitrary clue or piece of his puzzle. That, my friends, is a very uneasy feeling.
I tried to explain to him that this is a journey. I didn't expect to know everything about him in the short time we've been interacting. I love what I know of him and trust what I don't yet know - even the ugly parts that he doesn't want anyone to see. I love those, too. Without the dark we wouldn't know the light, without the bad we wouldn't recognize the good, and without lies we wouldn't know the truth, etc. It's that duality that makes us human.
We talked for a bit on the phone. I cried. I hate it when I cry. I know it makes me seem weak. I just couldn't understand where this was coming from. It scares me because I've bared my soul to him. I've shown him ugly parts of myself. I've confided my "secrets." I've made myself vulnerable to criticism, scrutiny, judgment and that in and of itself is terrifying. I want him to know the whole of me; even the scary, dark parts I am ashamed of. It's me. It's who I am. If he can say he loves me at all then he deserves to see ALL of me. I have trusted him enough to put it all out there even knowing that it could be too much for him, too overwhelming, too much work, too much *whatever*. He says it's easy for him to write people off and I have been terrified that there'd be something about me that'd set those wheels into motion, yet I feel like it'd be disingenuous of me to try to fit into the mold I think is right. I took that risk. I still take that risk as we continue on this path together. I am confident in the love he has for me *right now*.
Essentially - he wants to be left alone. All he has to do is ask for it and he's got it. Maybe that's new to him. Maybe he doesn't believe it can be that easy. Who knows? I just know that he's been struggling and I want to help him in any way possible - even if it's "leaving him alone." So, this is me leaving him alone.
When you've done everything you can do - just be still.
If you need me - I'll be over here studying stones.
In particular, right now, I'm talking about "alone time." We all need alone time to some varying degree. True, some people need more than others, some need less; however, it's still something we need.
A little background:
B has had a rough couple of days and I think he hasn't been able/known how to ask for alone time to sort things out. I suppose there may have been subtle hints; however, the thing is - I am not psychic. So, what has ended up happening is that it's a jumbled mess. He retreats, I think that it has to do with me (just like I'm sure others may have thought it had something to do with them), miscommunications happen, feelings get hurt, people end up confused, worried and so on. Not good things, right? Right.
My first instinct is to talk about it because I don't know what's going on. I felt pushed away. I felt like I had done something wrong and was being punished for it. I felt like the fact that I was even in his life was problematic for myriad reasons. I think it's human nature to internalize things when we don't know what's going on. And that's what I did - and I haven't been the nicest person to myself as a result - mentally or physically.
Last night he said he doesn't think I know the real him followed up by saying something along the lines of "not that what I've shown you has been fake." This calls the whole of our relationship into question in my mind. The opposite of real IS fake. "Not knowing the real him" makes me feel like an idiot. I'm perceptive. I'm observant. I pay attention. I *listen*. And I felt like somehow I failed him; somehow I missed some arbitrary clue or piece of his puzzle. That, my friends, is a very uneasy feeling.
I tried to explain to him that this is a journey. I didn't expect to know everything about him in the short time we've been interacting. I love what I know of him and trust what I don't yet know - even the ugly parts that he doesn't want anyone to see. I love those, too. Without the dark we wouldn't know the light, without the bad we wouldn't recognize the good, and without lies we wouldn't know the truth, etc. It's that duality that makes us human.
We talked for a bit on the phone. I cried. I hate it when I cry. I know it makes me seem weak. I just couldn't understand where this was coming from. It scares me because I've bared my soul to him. I've shown him ugly parts of myself. I've confided my "secrets." I've made myself vulnerable to criticism, scrutiny, judgment and that in and of itself is terrifying. I want him to know the whole of me; even the scary, dark parts I am ashamed of. It's me. It's who I am. If he can say he loves me at all then he deserves to see ALL of me. I have trusted him enough to put it all out there even knowing that it could be too much for him, too overwhelming, too much work, too much *whatever*. He says it's easy for him to write people off and I have been terrified that there'd be something about me that'd set those wheels into motion, yet I feel like it'd be disingenuous of me to try to fit into the mold I think is right. I took that risk. I still take that risk as we continue on this path together. I am confident in the love he has for me *right now*.
Essentially - he wants to be left alone. All he has to do is ask for it and he's got it. Maybe that's new to him. Maybe he doesn't believe it can be that easy. Who knows? I just know that he's been struggling and I want to help him in any way possible - even if it's "leaving him alone." So, this is me leaving him alone.
When you've done everything you can do - just be still.
If you need me - I'll be over here studying stones.
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